Even more Confessions of Georgia Nicolson!
by ariaruby
Summary: set after LIAMTT. gee and dave are having a bit of trouble, what will become of it? chap20 up now!
1. Beaver Bereavement

Disclaimer; I don't own any of the characters or anything like that.

This is my first fic, so I hope you like it **  
**

**Even more Confessions of Georgia Nicolson!**

**Chapter 1: Beaver Bereavement**  
I'll tell you this for free, whoever said Dave the Laugh cannot snog obviously has never snogged him.

1 minute later  
If you get my nub and gist.

2 minutes later  
I am a slave to his tip top snoggyness.

1 minute later  
He lip nibbles and now he breathes!

1 minute later  
Well, what I mean is, as well as lip-nibbling and other snoggery things, he did this beyond marvy and brillopads thing where he snogged me, and then leant back a tenth of a millimetre, and had a breathing break for a few seconds, except he was sort of breathing gently on my face, which might not sound very nice unless you have tried it (oo-er), but it is le fact that it's sensationalistic and also amazingly groovytastic. I nearly melted from jelloidosity, chums! I mean this most sincerely, it was the best ever snog I'd had in my whole entire life. Even beating (eek) Masimo. If that's poss.

1 minute later  
And his breath was not a replica of a Chinese curry factory.

3 minutes later  
Not that he's Chinese or anything.

1 minute later  
No offence to the Fried-Rice-a-gogo folk, though. I mean you're all nice and whatsit it's just Dave is not Chinese. I'm not saying he didn't want to be Chinese but he had little say in the matter. I mean, he did not sit in his mother's womb and have a little think about whether he'd like to be Chinese or British. And that is a fact, you prats (I mean that lovingly).

1 minute later  
Anyway, his breath smelt suspiciously fresh, as if he'd popped in a few mints beforehand because he knew we'd be committing a songfest.

1 minute later  
What a vair naughty minx.

3 minutes later  
I think I may have visited the cake shop of luuurve and instead of placing an order for Masimo the Pastry, and just stopping there, no questions asked, decided to once again rear my big and frankly rather red bottom, and ungird mine loins and have a little snog with Dave.

1 minute later  
Except it wasn't just any snog.

1 minute later  
After snogging me to within an inch of my life and filling me with tenseosity and puckering lips, Dave said "My trousers need readjusting." and just walked off with a little smile.

1 minute later  
Erlack! He didn't mean…not as in…Blimey O'Reilly's undercrackers, and also merde!

2 minutes later  
He's a cheeky minx, is Dave the Laugh. He gave me a vair naughty, but I have to admit full of sexosity look. That's when I lost my dignity and ad hoc and willy nilly. Oh merde.

3 minutes later  
Walking back to the tent. The light's still on, which means all the mugs are still up and raving like loons.

1 minute later  
Just as I was about to head in, RoRo and Sven appeared, looking as mad and insane as ever.

"Howdy! Me and Roddy go to play meatballs, with mine!" Sven roared. Rosie just looked at him adoringly. Then she turned back to me, her face all full of seriousosity.

"Listen, Gee, when Dave came in, he looked really sad and everything. What happened between you two?" Oh poo and merde and also thrice bum oley.

"I, er, don't know." I shrugged like a shrugging thing that had just landed in the Land of the Shrugs, where people shrugged their shoulders whilst wearing super-shrugs that had been knitted for them by their Elderly Mad and Official Loons, who were all spawns of Maisie.

Shutupshutupshutup brain!

Then Sven picked Rosie up and stamped off.

**In the lads' tent**  
20 minutes later  
Dave seems to have forgotten our little trip to the Realm of Snogs and Red-Bottomosity, because he is treating me just like he always does.

1 minute later  
And he is a laugh. I really mean that most sincerely, in the most non-Sex Kitty who is a terrible minx and hears the call of the Horn and ungirds her loins and lets it all hang out (shut it) way.

10 minutes later  
Jazzy Spazzy has reappeared with Tom in tow (haha), looking vair frazzled and un-Jas like. They settled in the tent but it was only a matter of minutes before she was checking her watch and having a great nervy b. and also going spazoid. She said we should turn in, because it was getting far too late, and the teachers will tell us off if they catch us.

1 minute later  
Miss Wilson and Herr Kamyer? Pahahahahahahaha!

1 minute later  
Unfortunately, this was a cue for the other Loon Twin to start complaining and back up Jas. For the dim among us, that would be Ellen, world-renowned fool and blustering idiot.

"I mean, yeah, y'know, it's like, if they catch us, you know, if they're up, because they might, y'know, sort of, hear us, because they have, sort of, like, ears, and y'know, well, what do you think?" Ellen blinked.

I think you should bloody shut up, twit of the first waters AND beyond.

To add to this loonosity Jas was doing her famed Fiddling-mit-Fringe act, whilst giggling nervously and looking at Tom like a complete prat, which really drove me up the wall and into the sea. I had to fight the urge to slap her hand away and throw something heavy at her.

1 minute later  
No, not my nungas.

1 minute later  
I'll give her a stern talking to in the morning.

1 minute later  
Mind you, she's vair violent and I might have to contact UNPAL again. Remember them? I'm a fully-paid member now.

1 minute later  
Hahahahahaha.

1 minute later  
It's amazing that I can amuse myself a great deal in such times of bereavement.

3 minutes later  
Not that we're bereaving over anything. At least I think not.

1 minute later  
We could be bereaving over a beaver... Actually, how about no, because that is the exact behaviour I would expect from a prat like Jas, or Ellen.

10 minutes later  
Ellen and Jas have turned in, like teacher-bum-oley lickers, and Jas made a complete dolt of herself saying good night to Tom. She kissed him on the check, and giggled like a loon from the Valley of the Very Loony Loons. Then she very quickly gave him a peck on the lips, and then ran off, as if she'd done something naughty and filled with red-bottomosity. God. She's lucky she has someone as cool as ice cubes like me to keep her in check, for when she does goes completely over the edge.

2 minutes later  
Ooooh no, Dave is looking at me funny! Not smiling, just sitting there, all sort of thoughtful, and gazing at me. Full on jelloidosity attack!

1 minute later  
Rosie and Sven returned.

1 minute later  
In actual fact, Sven landed on the tent as he threw himself bodily at it. It collapsed with us all in it and while we were all groaning and complaining in the sudden dark, we could hear him laughing like a complete nutcase. Which he is.

1 minute later  
Someone has taken my hand and squeezed it! And it is not a girly hand. It is a manly hand. I think it is possibly a hand that is prone to laughing a lot, although I cannot be sure, as it is dark and squashed and I can only see blackness.

10 minutes later  
Sven has ruined the tent, so the boys are going to squeeze into Tom's truck thing, whilst the rest of the (loyal and faithful and not stupid pratty teacher's pets) Ace Gang are heading back to the campsite. Quietly of course, vair quietly, creeping tiptoes, shush shush, whisper whisper, hush, creepy creepy.

1 minute later  
Dave didn't say goodbye to me. Nothing. Zilcho. Not happening, Operation Glacial is now going into force.

1 minute later  
Not that I mind. I mean, I'm eschewing him with a firm hand and also ignorez-vousing him because of his naughty and unacceptable behaviour.

1 minute later  
Oh drat et double drat I do mind. I do want him to say goodbye to me. I want him to peck me on the check and give me a naughty smile and walk off so I've got jelloid-knees and then he can rush back and we'll have a quick visit to Numero Six and- what in the name of Slim's outsized pyjamas?!?!?!

1 minute later  
I am a minx of the first waters! I am unfaithful to Masimo even in my mind! I am a terrible person and shall shut myself in a convent and become a lesbian nun who pays no attention to Luuurve or Sex Gods. Or Laugh Gods.

1 minute later  
Bugger, I've done it again.

**In the girls' tent**  
Me, RoRo and Jools are chatting in our snuggy tent. Haha. Poor Mabs. I bet she is suffering from the Loon Twins. Who does she have to talk to?

1 minute later  
No-one. That is the answer.

1 minute later  
Rosie surprised me and Jools by suddenly bursting out into peals of laughterosity. I think the strain of being certifiably insane is finally getting to her.

"Alright, mate, what's the occasion?" I asked, full of confusiosity. As one would be.

10 minutes later  
Turns out 'Roddy' and Sven have gone to Station Full Monty!!!!

1 minute later  
Number 10!!!!

1 minute later  
The whole packaging, and also whiz-kaboom!!!!

1 minute later  
Blimey!! So that's what they disappeared off to do, in the woods! Erlack!

1 minute later  
Rosie has so kindly informed us that Sven's boxers are bright, luminous yellow. As in, they glow in the dark.

1 minute later  
Wonderful.

1 minute later  
Rosie said "Now Gee, obvs there is something going on vis-à-vis you and Dave the Laugh, so I'd like you to split your pantyhose and tell me all."

Hahahaha. I laughed attractively, as if she'd got her knickers in a twisty, and there was nothing going on between me and Dave.

Then Jools started nodding, and Rosie joined in, and they stared at me, nodding like a pair of nodding things with heads, until I had a ditherspaz and gave in.

I told them about me and Dave getting to Number 6, and then him saying "My trousers need readjusting" and RoRo did bulgy-eyeballs thing, and Jools mouth just dropped open like a big holey thing, so both of them obvs think the same as me, and then I told them about the 'honoury bloke, that is why I love you' fiasco, and my suspicions that he grabbed my hand in the darky squashed tenty. And then I completely cracked and told them everything that's happened between me and Dave _ever_. Literally, ever, since the first day I met him. Oh God.

3 minutes later  
I feel a big touch of sadnosity, for some reason, and my eyes are a tad watery. Banish, you tearful tears!

5 minutes later  
Rosie and Jools are, to put it lightly, _astounded_ at mine and Dave's sneaky snogs and the like.

1 minute later  
Rosie has come to the conclusion that me and Dave are completely and totally in luuurve, maybe even as much as her and Sven (erm…) and she thinks that Dave is hinting a lot at me (hahahaha you _think_?!?!?) but I am ignorez-vousing my feelings et hormones and instead latching myself onto Masimo because he is a God and reputation-wise I'd be le hottest girl in town.

Fair go.

1 minute later  
I am pooing myself (not literally, you fule). I think everything RoRo said is completely true. That is a sad fact.

20 minutes later  
Some mates they are. They've just dropped off right asleep, ignoring my boy-problems as if they were hardcore relations of Jaz le Spaz!

1 minute later  
Blimey! I knew Rosie snored but Jools is like a bloody foghorn! I can't reach her, as I am squashed right up in the middle, but if I sort of swing my arm like a loon, I think I could reach Rosie.

1 minute later  
I whacked her sharply on the head, and she sat straight up, her hair the original birds nest and her eyes really wide and scary and open, and she said in this Scottish voice;

"No, ducks! You can not revel in my hide!"

And then she lay back down, suddenly asleep again!

4 minute later  
I do worry about her.

1 minute later  
Anyway, I'll never get to sleep, not only because of Rosie and Jool's Let's-See-Who-Can-Snore-The-Loudest competition but I am in a complete frenzy over my boy-related woes. I may never drop off, and will just sit here forever, like a frozen statue, unable to move due to lack of sleep and worrying over Dave and Masimo, and then…

Zzzzzzzzzzzzz…

_Feedback and criticism welcome!  
_


	2. Ellen's Cousin and Swedish snogfests

Thanks for the feedback, and the advice, jeuneurbain. Please keep it coming!

**Chapter 2: Ellen's cousin and Swedish snogfests  
**

**On the coach home**

Don't ask me how, but Sven has somehow sneaked onto the coach. He has donned a big trench-coat and sunglasses to look like an inspector-type person. Him and Rosie are not quietly having a snogfest in the seats opposite me and Jas, and he is occasionally yelling out bits of Swedishness in between their snogs.

Rosie loves it.

1 minute later

Still can't believe they went to Number 10! That's just so…blimey…they must really love each other. Obviously, fully paid-up members of the Bonkers Society for the Utterly Mad, but still, that's really quite sweet.

3 minutes later

Decided to ask Jas what I should do vis-à-vis my male shambley-do (I filled her in this morning about me and Dave, though I'm still wondering if that was a wise decision).

2 minutes later

Jas thinks I am more suited to Marc Big Gob, as our 'maturity and dignity levels are roughly equal'.

1 minute later

And I call her my best friend.

1 minute later

I told her that.

"And I call you my best friend." I said.

"Ha, that's laughable. When will you start treating me like on?" Oh rave on Mrs Vole-Lookalike.

"When you cut your fringe." Hahaha, victory and hilariousnosity all round! I am a brilliant, humorous person, though I say so myself.

1 minute later

Jas kicked me hard in the shins before turning to glare out the window in all her huff. Fine by me, it's where she belongs, staring at grass and voles and badgers droppings and everything similar.

**Home at last!**

8.20pm

Bibs greeted me by hanging on to my leg and, er, licking my trousers.

Aw, she means well. She is vair cute.

9 minutes later

Is it normal for to return home to find your bed filled with mashed potato, courtesy of your three year old sister?

1 minute later

God knows where she got it from. No-one cooks in this house, no, not even my parents. They expect us to survive on a diet of water and thin air. Well, as everyone knows, that is a sure fire way to reach abnormal heights of obesityosity. Not.

2 minutes later

Mutti and Vati have not yet realised their darling daughter has returned from a weekend at a smelly camp.

1 minute later

Blimey, have they left Libby home alone whilst they got out an Elderly Loons rave? That is not a clever idea at all.

**Back in my room**

10.02pm

Mutti finally stumbled into my room like the official loon she is.

"Did you have a good time, love?" she asked, sitting on my bed. And I realised Camp Prat actually had been alright, actually, even though I had to survive my best friend being infatuated by wildlife and the spazzy teachers having the Horn for each other and Dave telling me his trouser area needs readjusting…

10 minutes later

Me and Mum actually had a really nice chat about it all (minus the Dave bit). But the downside bit is she wants to meet Herr Kamyer, because apparently…she thinks he sounds sweet!!

What madness.

**Monday 1****st**** August**

12a.m.

Ah, it's brilliant not having to get up at the crack of dawn. Yawny yawny yawn…yum yum, warmy bed, snoozey snooze, no Bibs to suddenly wake me up…

1 minute later

Phone's ringing.

1 minute later

Ha, how naïve of me to think it would actually get answered by someone else in the family.

1 minute later

Dragged self down the stairs and answered the phone. This must be slavery. I'll have to contact some charity.

"Ciao, er, is Georgia here?" Ohmygodohmygodohmygod its Masimo! Bloody hell and merde! I don't even have any make-up on!

Oh my God! Will he just be able to tell that I've shared a Phwoar! Factor snog mit Dave the Laugh, will my voice be all high-pitched and spazzy and talking absolute bollocks, and then will he say "Ah, cara, you speak funny, perhaps you are a naughty naughty girl, and do me wrong, and get off with David, and you think you love him more than you love me? You make me so sad cara! Perhaps I shall go and snog Wet Lindsay, she is a very nice, normal girl."

1 minute later

Shutupshutupshutup brain!

1 minute later

Oh gadzooks and all that fluff. I'll just speak normal and breathe properly and get all Dave the Laugh thoughts out of my head and just concentrate on Masimo.

"Er, si, yes…ciao! Hi, yeah…it's me." Brilliant, I sound like einen fule of the first waters.

"Georgia, cara! You are good, si?" Ohmygiddygod, he sound sooo fit, and vair cool! But I was not intending on sounding like Ellen's first cousin once removed…er, meaning I was going to ooze coolness and sound groovy.

"Er, si, yep, si…yes…I'm great…" Poo and merde, I don't sound like Ellen's cousin, I sound like the very ditherspaz herself.

2 minutes later

He really does want me to come and join him in Italy. Whoopee! He is so fabby and I love him to bits. Never mind Dave the Laugh.

1 minute later

That sounds a bit harsh. What I mean is, I'm banishing all red-bottom related thoughts and forever eschewing him with a firm hand. Very firm.

1 minute later

Shut it.

1 minute later

Oh poo, Masimo's got to go. I can hear some Mutti-sounding yelling in the background. Yay, I'm not the only one with parents trained in the art of being Hitler's henchmen, although I thought Masimo was a bit old for the Mumsie-thing. Anyway, another thing we have in common.

1 minute later

What else do we have in common…

1 minute later

Ooh, the list is endless…

1 minute later

Like, erm, y'know, off the top of my head…one that just springs to mind is, erm…well, we're very good at attracting people. Oh yes.

1 minute later

Oh yeah, we both know Robbie. And are acquainted with Wet Lindsay.

1 minute later

Erlack.

1 minute later

So obviously, we've got loads in common.

Merde.

1 minute later

Rang Jas.

"Jas?"

"Oui?"

"I've got une problemo. Me and Masimo don't have much in common. Do you think we can still be a couple?"

"No."

What?!

"Er, what?"

"I said, no."

What a spaz and also a loser of the first waters.

"Yes, Jas, I realised that. What I meant was, why did you say it." Ergh, I could practically hear her fiddling with her stupid fringe like a prat. And chewing something, which was really bugging me.

"Because you've got something for Dave the Laugh, and it'd be dishonest and unfair on Masimo if you went out with him but snogged Dave behind his back, and don't even get me started on Ellen."

What fresh hell?!

"Don't worry Jas I won't." Stupid prat. She is obviously still fuming because I annoyed her on the coach ride home. How shallow. One should not hold grudges.

"Come off it Georgia. You know there's something going on between you two. Anyway, I've got to go, Tom's got our flannels ready. Laters." And she put the phone down on me!

What in the name of Slim's oversized pyjamas?!

She is a loon, for sure.

Back in Boudoir of Luuurve and also Red-Bottomosity

But is she right though?

Merde. I hate life.

1 minute later

I need to call the Ace Gang.

10 minutes later

Brill, we're meeting in half an hour at Luigi's for a serious debriefing on how to handle this Masimo situation. Although, knowing Radio Jas, she'll probably split all about Dave the Laugh, and Ellen will have a compelte fit.

1 minute later

Which would actually be quite funny.

What I mean is, we're keeping Dave the Laugh strictly out of this.

1 minute later

Oo-er.


	3. Surpise Snogging!

**Chapter 3: Surprise snogging!**

**12.45 a.m.**

Walking to Luigi's

I see Mark Big Gob has acquired a new girlfriend. He's reached new records height-wise as it looks like she would comfortably fit under his armpit.

If ever there was a need for that. Y'know, if smelling armpits suddenly became the latest craze, well, Mark's girlfriend would be ahead of us all.

1 minute later

Pantyhose, I don't know whether to include Dave the Laugh in my problems when I reveal all to the Ace Gang. Because Ellen will be there, and then she'll have a nervy b. and probably go ballisticimus, because it is in her nature to be a complete prat.

And The Great Knickered One will most likely lose it as well, and not speak to me for a week, even though this is something that does not concern her.

Not that she would care. She is, after all, Radio Jas. Sticking her nose in here, there and everywhere. She should be banished away to the Land of Loons to be an official resident, instead of the regularly-visiting tourist she is at the moment.

1 minute later

Blimey, Dave the Laugh has just appeared at the end of the road!

1 minute later

No time to hide! He's spotted me, damn it. Fortunately, or unfortunately depending on which way you look at it, his 'crew' are not with him.

"Kittykat!" he yelled, grinning at me. Ooh, jelloid knees, jelloid knees!

No, eschewing him with a firm hand! Knees, return to your posts!

1 minute later

Oh, brilliance, I've just become the biggest prat in world history.

I was walking towards him, all casualosity and the like, but then I tripped over something vair sharp, which has most likely scarred my ankle for life, and to put the cherry on the elephant I landed right on top of Dave, with our faces, ooh, about a millimetre apart.

1 minute later

"That's a new way of declaring your Horn for me, Gee." Dave smiled naughtily, in that really bad way he has, and then he sort of pulled me even closer, and kissed me on the lips!

1 minute later

Blimey O'Reilly's underpants, I think I'm melting.

He let me go and I could barely stand on my own two feet. I am terrible at being faithful to Masimo. God, I'm such a prat of the first waters! I am in deep deep luuurve with Masimo, Not the One who Laughs a Lot and Gives Me the Horn- SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!! I love Masimo. I love him. He is my one and only. My Italian Stallion. He is sooo sexy and every girl in the world would (literally) kill just to touch him. But I have got the brilliantosity luck of being the girl he wants to be with girlfriend-wise! I am einen fule to even consider snogging any other bloke.

Try telling that to my lips though. I just have to think about Dave and they pucker up of their own accord.

"So how's your Masimo fiasco going? Is he still in Italia meeting up with other handbag-lovers? He's probably joined the Italian Society for Male Handbag Lovers, so I'd watch out Kittykat, you've got competition." Dave smirked, and I kept my full-of-glacialosity, straight face on, even though I felt like laughing. Bad Kittykat.

4 minutes later

We were just mooching along, talking about stuff and fluff, when he turned round in the middle of the street and snogged me! And not a Number 3 or anything, a proper, full-on, Number 6, right there in the street! Blimey O'Reilly, and also PANTS! He is vair into this surprise-snogging-me thing! And is also very good at it. Shutupshutupshutup!

Then he looked at me in a weird, sort of smiling but sort of not way, and said "I'm sorry, Kittykat, I just couldn't help myself." And walked off!!!

1 minute later

I cannot be doing this.

1 minute later

I am an arse and should definitely consider the lesbian-nun side of life.

Or, I could become Jas i.e. a boring twit who spends her life doing nothing apart from rambling and investigating vole droppings, but does not hear the call of the Horn.

1 minute later

How about no.

Anyway, snogging Dave – I mean Masimo, is much more fun…

I am bloody awful at this faithful girlfriend business. It's all Dave's fault.

**Luigi's**

Well, everyone's forgotten about my fiasco and problemo because RoRo has told the gang about her and Sven's night time activities.

Ellen looked like her head was about to fall off and Mabs was doing an excellent impersonation of a goldfish. But Jas topped them all by slipping off her chair and (accidentally) throwing her lukewarm coffee over the waiter that was passing by.

Tip top on the hilariousity front! She nearly wet herself trying to apologise to him.

Everyone thought it was a big deal, and it was! I could tell Jas really wanted to give Rosie a lecture on safe sex (erlack – not something I'd want to go through) but a) it would have been wasted on someone like Rosie i.e. a nutcase and b) Rosie assured us her and Sven used a…y'know…a thing. Oh, for heavens sake, a condom. God. When Rosie said that everyone burst into fits of laughter, like the immature prats we are.

"Blimey, Rosie, are you sure you were…y'know, ready?" Mabs asked.

"Yes. I love Sven and he loves me." RoRo said in a rare moment of normality. Everyone 'awwed' and Rosie looked rather pleased about herself.

"Was, it, y'know, I mean…" Ellen went bright red. Haha. "Y'know…sort of, well, if you get me, like…well, was it…alright?"

Then everyone went a bit red at that, even Rosie.

"Er, yeah." She mumbled, and we all avoided looking at each other, until Rosie started giggling, and then I did, and then soon we were all laughing like loons. What-ho!

1 minute later

Right, passed the nitty-gritty business and we're now onto my fandango and a half. I told them about me and Masimo, but I left Dave the Laugh strictly out of things, because Ellen and Jas were there, and I knew how out of hands things could become.

20 minutes later

The Ace Gang have reached a verdict; he is a Luuurve God, so stay with him and his brill snogging techniques or forever dwell in the shadow of Wet Lindsay!

Because it is a sad and horrible fact that him and Wet Lindsay are on good terms and if I'm firmly out of the picture she will get her hands on my man.

Mind you, even if me and Masimo were married with kids she'd still try and get her claws into him.

The only fly in the ointmosity of it all is Dave.

14 minutes later

I walked back with Rosie, because she was going on to meet Sven the Loon, and she gave me a meaningful look.

"What?" I said, in all my innocence.

"You know what, missus." She said.

1 minute later

After a bit of silent walking, she turned to me again and said "You're not worried about you and Mas having nothing in common, my lady friend."

Er…

"Yes I am." I said, although I had a feeling I knew what was coming next.

"Shut up. You're in luuurve with Dave the Laugh but you didn't want to say it in front of Ellen!" she said, starting to dance like a loon down the pavement. She looked truly ridiculous, doing stupid ballet dancing and occasionally falling into people's gardens.

"Maybe." I said in a vair mature way, I like to think. She ran up to me, stuck her face in mine, and yelled:

"A-ha!" before returning to her dancing.

Sometimes I envy her complete lack of sanity.

Only when I'm complete losing it, though.

**Head Sleeping Quarters**

9.05 p.m.

I've devised a plan.

I shall meet Dave the Laugh in person tomorrow, and discuss what is going on vis-à-vis our secret snogs.

If I'm brave enough, that is.

1 minute later

But I have to do this. I have to girdy my loins and so forth and go to battle with my nungas protected and not within Dave's reach.

Oh my God. No no and thrice no.

1 minute later

I'll ring him, so then I'll have to go through with it, whatever the weather.

Yep, that's a good idea. Okay, Phone-Routine.

Make-up? Ergh, I look like a skank! Quick application so I look vaguely Sex-Kittyish.

Clothes? Hmmm, yes, full of casualosity and definitely not begging for it.

Because I am not. Begging for it, I mean.

Ready to roll.

1 minute later

"Dave?"

"Alright, if it isn't Miss. Sex Kitty!" Ooh, he is so naughty.

It does sort of give me the Horn.

I think.

And for once I am not going to deny that.

Forsooth and lack a day, as Bill once said. Whatever that means.

"Listen, Dave, are you free on tomorrow?" Yes, that was normal, brilliant. I sound as cool as ice cubes. And this means I have a few days to prepare myself.

"For you, of course. What do you have in mind? Because personally I wouldn't mind a bit of snogging." Ohmygod. Red-bottom is rearing its ugly behind and I'm afraid I cannot hide any longer.

**Back in bedroom**

11.37.p.m

I'm meeting Dave at one in the park. Tomorrow.

1 minute later

So I have to plan what I'm wearing in advance.

I think my black skirt, because it is short, but not too short, if you know what I mean. It implies sexosity without implying I am the spawn of a prostitute.

1 minute later

Hang on a minute, I am the spawn of a prostitute.

At least, Mutti dresses like one.

Anyway, back to clothes.

Then my little purple dolly shoes because they are bloody gorgeous, and I can't wear heels in early afternoon because as everyone knows that is ridiculous a lot.

1 minute later

Top-wise I have zilcho idea. Blimey O'Reilly I feel a spaz attack coming on. Oh poo and also merde.

Whatever I wear, I know Dave the Laugh will try and snog me, and this is le fact.

Well, if I wore a bin bag that had dollops of poo on it, I think he might restrain himself.

But he is Dave the Laugh.

As in, he likes a good snog.

With me.

His mate.

Who he likes to snog, only in a mate-wise way though.

I have to restrain myself and not be a minx and scoundreless of the first waters.

If that is possible.

Maybe my lips have a switch? So I will be able to resist Dave the Laugh.

Now I don't think that is possible.


	4. The chocolate’n’strawbs experience

**Chapter 4 : The chocolate'n'strawbs experience**

Up town  
In Boots with Rosie and Jas. Yay. Flavoured lip gloss ahoy!

I mean, not that I need it or anything. It's not like this afternoon is going to be a snogfest. Or that I'm all nerves a-jumble.

Poo.

"Ooh, flavoured. Not for anyone special?" Rosie said, and then did her evil cackle. Which sounds demented and mad. Which she is.

"Hahaha. No, course not. I'm just running low, that's all." I said in a vair naturale and all casual way. Groovy.

"Not even for Davey le Laughy?" Rosie put her face about two millimetres away from mine, and made her eyes really big, which was actually quite scary.

"Er…no…" Damn. I am not oozing casualosity and a 'deffo-not-lying' air about my self.

It is because I am pooey at lying.

10 minutes later  
Commotion at the tills! Brilliant.

Haha, who else would it be but Sven the Mad! Rosie is delighted.

1 minute later  
He's trying to buy a live chicken.

The poor bloke at the till is trying to tell him that they don't stock live chicken.

So Sven replies with "No, I want chicken! Brrp brrp! I need chicken! Yum yum! Give me the chicken! You hide the chicken!" and he looked a tad scary, being all tall and Swedish and getting a bit upset about the lack of chickens.

Vair vair amusant!

1 minute later  
Oh merde, he's spotted us. He completely forgot about his chicken and grabbed Rosie and started snogging her. A proper full-on Number 6. In Boots. With people watching. With old women watching. With me and Jas watching!!!

Erlack.

1 minute later  
RoRo and Sven have wandered off to carry on their snogging without horrifying the public. Then Jas did spun round and just looked at me. Like a loon.

"What?" I asked.

"Nothing." Jas sighed, and pretended to be interested in the counter next to her. Which was filled with boy's balloons, if you get my drift. Anyway, absolutely hilarious, as she picked up a packet and examined it vair closely before realising what it was, and dropped it!

1 minute later  
She's in a huff with me now. Just because I laughed. And said she wasn't acting like her usual nature-obsessed nit-wit self if she was thinking about doing the Full Monty.

Ooh, she's just said a very interesting thing.

"Well, I won't tell you what I was going to tell you then." And I knew she wasn't lying, even though she said in a really up-herself way. What a cow.

But now I'm interested. Had to do my special apology, which though I say so myself is heart-wrenching, but Jas the Cold-Hearted just ignored me, so I ended up buying her two (!) chocolate bars to persuade her to talk to me. Well, at least she'll fit into her gigantic pantyhose now.

"Listen…I'm only telling you because you because you're my best friend, Georgia." She said, full of seriosity. Oo-er. "Me and Hu- er, Tom…we've gone up the snogging scale."

Normally I would be all spazoid, but this is Jas we are talking to, and since when has anything interesting happened to Jas?

"Right, if this is to do with some weird new twig-related snogging ritual you and Tom have invented, then I'm afraid I'm not interested." I replied. Haha.

Surprisingly, Jas didn't go ballisticimus, although she was a bit sulky. Probably because she wanted to tell someone about her and Hunky's antics. Not for me, thanks.

5 minutes later  
False alarm.

Tom introduced her to the merry world of neck snogging. Jas feels a bit self-conscious, and she asked me if she has still retained her dignity and honour.

I just laughed.

**Back home**  
Ooh, this lip gloss is really tasty. I went for strawberry in the end, because I've got a chocolate one somewhere, so it could be like a chocolate'n'strawbs experience. If anyone was snogging me.

Which they won't be.

Because Masimo, my super-hot boyfriend, is still in Italy.

Oh my God.

1 minute later  
I need to get ready.

1 minute later  
I have absolutely no clothes to wear. And that is not even an exaggeration.

1 minute later  
Well, it is actually. I think there are still some bin sacks in the kitchen cupboard left over from 1999.

Panic panic and absolute ditherspaz!

**Sitting the park**  
I am 10 minutes early.

That is prattiness and also uncoolness personified.

But I have managed to find a decent outfit. It's really nice, just some skinnyish jeans and a pretty top, really casual, but it goes really well together.

1 minute later  
It definitely does not suggest that I want to participate in any sort of snogging-related activity. If such an occasion should arise. Which it won't.

7 minutes later  
Checked my make-up in my compact.

Good good, though I say so myself, I look fabby and also very gorgy. In a vair naturale way, of course.

Okay, breathy breath, breathing regime to go into place.

And in….and out…

1 minute later  
Oh my giddy God's pyjamas and also sound the horn of PANTS.

Here he comes now.

Looking beyond marvy and also scrummy. Shut up brain.

When did I start thinking Dave the Laugh was scrummy?

1 minute later  
Blimey, the first time I met him, I think.

2 minutes later  
"Alright, Gee?" he sat down next to me on the bench and smiled really nicely at me.

It was a bit formal and too 'stiff-upper-lip' for me. Which meant I was probably going to start acting like a loon and tossing my nungas around with gay abandon.

Which is never a good thing.

3 minutes later  
Apparently he's just seen Spotty Norman and Nauseating P. Green 'getting it on' in town.

1 minute later  
Erlack.

"That really is disgusting." I remarked, in all my wisdomosity. "That should be made illegal; I'd imagine it really is a horrific sight and would probably scar most people for life."

Dave laughed. Even though it wasn't really that funny.

2 minutes later  
It seems Dave wants to get the idle chit-chat out the way and get on with the snogging.

I mean, not that I'm complaining.

No, I am, I am!

"Hmmm, strawberry." He did his really naughty smile.

Oooooh my giddy God! Jelloid-knees extraordinaire!

1 minute later  
Pulled myself away from Dave. It took a lot of effort.

"Look, Dave, I, er…oh God, well, y'know, what I mean is, well…er…" Bloody hell. I'm putting Ellen to shame! And everyone knows that is not good. I am such a fool!

Dave looks interested though. That is okay.

But then again Dave is always interested. Oo-er.

Noooo!

1 minute later  
He's looking at me in a weird way. Blimey O'Reilly.

He is really gorgey looking.

**Sitting in my bedroom**  
9.p.m  
Merde.

I am absolutely filled with confusiosity. And reeling with what?!-osity.

And I'm quite literally speechless and also gobsmacked.

Rang Jas.

"Jas?"

"Oui?"

"Mon pally, I am in the middle of a life-changing traumatic dilemma. Help me out." Ha. Fat chance of that happening.

"What?"

"What do you mean what?"

"I mean what."

"Jas."

"What?"

"Stop saying that."

"I was just saying 'what' because you asked a question and-"

"No, Jas, shut up. I cannot listen to your drivel. It drives me insane and I will start to go grey."

Put the phone down. Oh yes, tip-top hilariousness.

Rang Jas back.

"The crisis is this; I met up with Dave, we snogged, then I said why do we keep on snogging, and he gave me a weird look, which was all jelloid-knees type thing, and then he said 'Well, isn't it obvious, Kittykat' and then wandered off!!!!"

For once even Jas is in shockosity.

But surprisingly she was vair nice about it. Well, after she told me off for a bit. But that's only Jas. I've learnt to love it.

1 minute later  
No I haven't. She's suddenly left me hanging to go meet up with Hunky and go for one of their famous rambles. Famous for being completely and utterly boring to the point where being mates with Ellen is fun.

**Back in Room of Shame, Red-Bottomosity and all other evil things**  
9.28  
I am too young to die.

1 minute later  
Started to write my CV for the lesbian-nun business.

Because I've figured that I am not suited to the twisty-achey-achey-Cakey-Shop-of-aggers luuurve fandango.

Oh my God, Masimo.

Masimo, my love.

I cannot give him up.

But then, what about Dave the Laugh?

I hate to admit, but there is definitely something going on that is far beyond the 'mates' barrier.

Poor Masimo.

1 minute later  
Poor me.

I am struggling in my bed of pain (not literally, you prats, and I mean that lovingly) with Dave enticing me one way, and Masimo enticing me the other way.

It is so difficult for someone like me.

1 minute later  
And that meeting-up with Dave was supposed to sort everything out! Ha!

Now I am just screwed a lot more.

Poo.

Double poo.

And also merde.

And also Jas's extraordinary pantaloons.

Life is certainly difficile to the extreme.

1 minute later  
And to add to the poo-osity of it all, Angus and Libby have decided to join me in my bed of pain.

Correction; Libby threw Angus at me, Angus scratched me because he was an angry Kittykat at being thrown, Libby then threw herself at me, and bit me on the ear.

1 minute later  
My bed of pain is now literal, not just one of tortured love.


	5. Orange Juice

**Chapter 5: Orange Juice**

**Wednesday 3****rd**** August**

12.45 p.m.

Rudely awaken by Mr. Next Door banging on the door (not mine, you fule, the front one).

1 minute later

Apparently, Angus has completely destroyed his brand new fence which he only put up yesterday.

Hahaha.

1 minute later

What a silly man. Did he not realise it would be like Christmas in August for our dearest Angus? Another new assault course for him to catapult himself over and win the hearts of feline sex kitties round the world. And also break a leg. That would be vair amusant, if not a bit painful for my little kittykat.

1 minute later

What-ho, Dad has just burst into my bedroom all beardy and red-faced and whatsit.

1 minute later

"That bloody cat is bloody out of here!" he growled.

Er, how about no?

1 minute later

He is so shallow and skin-deep, is my Vati.

Mr. Next Door has wrestled back everything we've borrowed from him in the past hundred years. Including the lawnmower. And Dad 'specifically wanted to do the lawn today'.

1 minute later

If this is what a middle-life crisis looks like, I might kill myself young. Just to escape it.

5.51 p.m.

Yawn. This day has been so boring.

Hmmm, let's make a list of what I did today…

1. Laughed at Dad.  
2. Lounged around the living room, but nothing was on the box, so I spent two hours putting on makeup and then taking it off again and then putting it on again.  
3. None of the Ace Gang were free. Jools and Rosie weren't picking up, Jas was doing something with Tom, Mabs has some relatives round, and it wasn't even worth calling Ellen. It would take three days for her to figure out whether she was alive or not.  
4. Decided to shuffle up to town to get a magazine and a chocolate bar.  
5. The younger Foxwood lads – Tosser Thompson and his lardy mates - thought it'd be a laugh to make fun of my basoomas as I walked passed them with lots of dignosity. I'll get Dave to duff them up.

Talking of Dave, I've spent quite a lot of time fretting and worrying about my red-bottom, and also what he said yesterday. Admittedly, I had a bit of a ditherspaz, wondering whether I should call him or not. But decided not to as it is not displaying glacialosity and mysterious women type allure.

But I am still vair confused about this whole situation. I don't want to cheat on Masimo – hang on…I already have cheated on him! Me and Dave have snogged!

Blimey O'Reilly. This whole life thing is not going very well for me.

Some people have all the luck.

7.12 p.m.

Wandered downstairs. Hurrah, the Swiss Family Mad have run off with Uncle Eddie to some late-night clown convention thing. There is a silver lining sometimes.

4 minutes later

Ha, as I expected, no food in this house. No need to kill myself young, I will just slowly starve to death. What are the chances Mutti and Vati would notice?

1 minute later

None, that is the answer. They'd be too busy re-enacting Parent Porn Take 2 in the living room for the entire world to see.

Erlack!

2 minutes later

Soooooo bored out of my brain.

1 minute later

Blimey, I might have to do some homework.

1 minute later

Hahaha, even in deep times of boredom galore I am able to amuse myself.

11 minutes later

My German homework is to write down all the verbs that come up in the paragraph in our textbook.

Talk about absolute pointlessness and also boredom extraordinaire.

To save Herr Kamyer from having a complete ditherspaz and setting fire to himself, I won't do it until next week. The last time I (accidentally) handed work in on time to him he fell off his chair.

Which is always a good thing.

9.21 p.m.

Ma famille have returned. Mit Uncle Eddie the Bald Egg.

Great.

3 minutes later – Invasion of my room by the Elderly Loons

Dad and Uncle Eddie burst into my room so I pretended to be dead in my bed (haha) in the hope they'd leave me alone.

1 minute later

Fat chance.

"Here's a good one Gee!" Uncle Eddie wheezed, starting to laugh. Oh dear Gott in Himmel. Save me whilst I still have a soul, please. "Why did the orange stop rolling down the hill?" and he nearly collapsed with laughter. My Vati, meanwhile, had to use the door to prop himself up. Because it was so hysterically funny. Not.

"Eh, why do you think Gee, eh?" Uncle Eddie snorted and Dad nudged him and that set them off again. "Because…because…it ran out of juice!" and he did actually fall on the floor laughing.

1 minute later

Only just realised the Elderly Loons have stuffed oranges down their trousers.

Why?

**Thursday 4****th**** August**

1.23 p.m.

Phone ringing.

1 minute later

"Gee?"

It's RoRo! Brillopads and marvytastic!

"Rosie, thank God. Any more jokes about oranges and I would have had to cut off my own head."

"_Oui oui, mon pally._ Now, I come bearing good tidings. Caught wind of a Stiff Dylan's gig tomorrow, you up for a boogie?"

Am I?! Anything to get out of this madhouse, I should think.

"Georgia, man man, boogie with us, take your hips and set loose on me, chick!" Sven garbled, taking control of the phone.

I heard Rosie laughing like a loon. They're both as nuts as each other. Oh well, at least they're happily in love, whereas I am still in the cake shop of aggers and luuurve. Moan moan, whinge whinge, blame it on D the L!

22 minutes later

Rang round the Ace Gang and they're all up for the gig. Jas had a bit of moan, because that's what Jas does best, but I promised to make her look really nice for the gig, especially for Tom.

The things I do. Honestly. I really am too good for this world.

1 minute later

I nearly ruined it when I said Po and Hunky, but I don't think she noticed, because the minute I mentioned Tom, she was off in Jasland again.

**Friday 5****th**** August**

1.23 p.m.

Ace Gang round for a pre-gig 'rave', as Mabs put it. Have got a feeling of jittery nerves, but I don't know why.

1 minute later

Perhaps it's because it is a Stiff Dylan gig without Masimo, my brillopads and coolio Italian Stallion boyfriend that I love sooo much.

23 minutes later

Hahahaha. Jas's eye is watering like billio after she stabbed it with the eyeliner pencil. Serves her right for being such a twit. In fact, she is a great twit. The Great Twit of Twitland where Jas the Furry Twit rules over all the other little twits.

1 minute later

Shutupshutupshutup brain.

7.21 p.m.

Staggering to the club.

And when I say staggering I mean I'm wearing really aggers shoes that are actually really marvy and gorgy looking but also are killing me.

Ouchy ouchy aggers bloody poo.

24 minutes later – At the Gig

Cor, it's bloody packed in here. But it is because the Stiff Dylan's are officially cool. And I am the girlfriend of the lead singer yes yes yum yum.

1 minute later

Dave the Laugh has just walked in like a Hornmeister type person. OhmyGod jelloid knickery business extraordinaire.

I mean, I'm as cool as ice cubes.

1 minute later

He strolled over like a naughty thing and gave me a hello(you-Sex-Kitty-missus)kiss apart from it was not on the cheek but on the lips!

What if someone saw?!

Like his girlfriend?!

Emma!

His girlfriend!

His "girlfriend"!

OhmyGod. I am not putting on this glacial woman façade very well. Poo.

1 minute later

He's forgotten about his 'well isn't it obvs" business then.

"You look particularly gorgeous tonight Gee." he said with a naughty smile. Phwoar. But then Emma came up and gave him a really big kiss on the mouth (!) and I felt really weird inside.

When she dragged him off he looked back at me and gave me a funny look, and my rouge derriere went bloody wild. Horn horn horn. Shutup brain.

10 minutes later

Oh I'm so confused. Life is tragic and not worth it.

1 minute later

Sven roared up like the loon he is, wearing a silver all-in-one flared suit. What a madman of the first kind.

1 minute later

Rosie told me it's so shiny you can see yourself in it. Haha, brillopads, Sven is now a walking-talking, looning mirror!

9.39 p.m.

Bloody hell, I'm so hot after all that dancing. And my feet are killing me. I would take off the aggers shoes, as I don't want another embedding incident, but I'm afraid someone will stamp on my feet.

1 minute later

I can see the Bummers Twins raving like the fat common tarts they are. They think they look really cool and sexy but they just look like bright orange elephants in a bit of tin foil. Probably nicked from the corner shop as well. It's almost like they're naked, they've got so little clothing on.

1 minute later

Erlack!

6 minutes later

Sven just punched one of the Foxwood lads! Blimey! And it was proper full-on swing as well. He's lying on the floor with a bleeding mouth and Sven is just yelling at him.

1 minute later

Apparently the Foxwood bloke was trying to flirt with Rosie and Sven went mental. I could hear him shouting "My chicky, my chicky, roar roar!" and pulling really freaky deaky faces at the poor guy.

Dear Gott in Himmel.

1 minute later

It really is too hot to stay in here anymore. I'm sweating like a…sweating…thing.

1 minute later

Couldn't get into the Tarts Wardrobe because it was too packed, so I decided to wander outside.

Aaaaah, that's better. Fresh air and a bit of breeze…calmy calm…

1 minute later

Bloody bolloking buggery aggers!

Just pulled my shoes off and it bloody hurt like some angry dwarf-type loon was poking ten million daggers into my bloody feet! Merde.

1 minute later

Oh God, the Hornmeister has landed. And I'm not in my most attractive position i.e. looking like a red-faced loon. Fabaroony. Not.

"You just can't get enough of me, eh, Gee. I mean, following me around..." he grinned. I tutted but couldn't help smiling. Uh-oh, I feel the red-bottom creeping up. I was about to my exploit my whatsit and all.

1 minute later

Little visit up to No6, which wasn't actually meant to happen. But I really couldn't resist, in all seriosity. I was all for girding up my loins and telling Dave that I was not to be swayed by his snoggery antics but he kissed me before I had time to gather my nungas. Ohmygodohmygodohmygod he is so good at snogging. Jelloid knees ahoy!

1 minute later

And then he said "I'm going to end it with Emma."

What fresh hell???


	6. Gadzooks and also what?

**Chapter 6: Gadzooks and also what?**

**(Friday 5****th**** August)**

Same confusing place, same confusing time

"Er…break up with Emma?" I repeated, like a loon. Sadly one of my best features.

Dave nodded, and he looked at me really seriously and sort of intensely, and it made me legs go vair jelloid, even though I was sitting down.

"Er…Emma?" Oh my God, I was fully tuned into spaz mode now. Which other bloody Emma would we be talking about?! Ohmygod, ohmygod, ditherspaz extraordinaire! Breathe. Breathe, breathe…omm, omm…

Bloody hell! Life is certainly difficile to the extreme. Why does he have to tell me this?! I feel my face dropping off in this extreme situation!

"Yes, Kittykat. Emma." And I just stared at him. And he stared back. Like we were a pair of staring things…that like to stare…on a Saturday night. La la la.

Ooh, I think I'm just about to reach breaking point. This strain of loonosity and Dave being an utter prat has finally got to me. Blimey O'Reilly.

5 minutes later – Still staring

Dave decided to break the tenseosity mood but I quite like sitting here in silence. It means we don't have to say anything. Which means Dave doesn't have to say anything else and mon rouge derriere will not reveal it's whatsit and I will not snog him and ohmygod I think I'm having a panic attack. Where is Jas le Spaz for a diversion when you need her?!

Anyway, back to Dave breaking the tenseosity mood.

"How do you feel about that?" Ooh, turning into Dave the Un-Laugh here. Not my favourite person in the world but y'know.

Hang on what did he just say?

How do I feel about it?

I'll bloody tell him how I feel about it.

So I said "Weeeeeell…I like tomatoes."

4 minutes later

It turns out Dave likes tomatoes too. Would you like to know how I found out? Well, after I completely shamed myself like a loon from Loonland Dave said he liked tomatoes too.

And he, er, might have, er, possibly said something else.

Ooohhh my God, alright then!

Jelloid knees, jelloid knees, loonerosity galore!

Dave the Laugh asked me to be his girlfriend!!!

He said it! Right to my face! He said he really liked me and he wanted me to drop the Handbag-Meister and become his one and only!!!

1 minute later

Blimey O'Reilly, is all I can really say.

1 minute later

I didn't even say no! I just sat there in shock, and then – oh the shame – squeaked! I was trying to say something to do with Masimo, my current one and only, but it came out as a squeak. Oh God I'm really losing it, okay, breathe, breathe, breathey breathe.

1 minute later

Dave has exited.

He just walked off.

After shrugging and saying 'Well, think about it, Kittykat.'

Well, I didn't need him to tell me that!

Bloody hell and also merde!

1 minute later

It wouldn't be too bad, being Dave's girlfriend.

He is pretty cool.

And pretty yummy scrumboes as well.

And he makes me laugh a lot.

More than Masimo anyway.

Oh my God, I need to speak to Jas!

12.56 a.m

Jas's house sipping hot choccy in her bedroom with Her Royal Twatness pretending to be asleep

"Jas?"

…

"Jas?"

"What?"

"Are you asleep?"

"Yes."

"You can't be asleep if you're talking to me."

"Well, I am."

"Jas. Shut up. I need to talk to you."

"I'm asleep."

"It's about Dave the Laugh. He asked me to drop Masimo and be his one and only."

Jas sat up in her bed and stared at me.

"Non! Blimey! What did you say?!"

Ha. I'm not as shallow as my dear pally.

"I thought you were asleep?" I crossed my arms smugly. She'd have to beg her way to Alaska to get me to tell her about Dave now, after the way she'd treated me. Honestly.

Jas threw a pillow at me.

"What did you say? Did you reveal your whatsit and say yes? I bet you did. That's _so _typical of you. You have no dignity and honour." Jas tutted. God she is _sooo_ annoying. I threw the pillow back at her, harder, and she fell off the bed. Hahahahaha.

"Shut up Jas. In actual fact, I didn't say yes."

2 minutes later

Ooh, Jas is interested now. She's not even in a huff because I threw something at her. In fact, she sat on my legs at the end of my 'bed' – which her lovely Mutti had got ready for me beforehand – and just stared at me, looking like a sad twat. Pft.

"So you said no?" Jas crossed her furry eyebrows, which made her look even more like a dumb twit of Twittington. Ho ho ho.

"Wouldn't you like to know, mon pally." I smirked.

"I'll give you Midget Jem." Jas widened her eyes.

"Jas, I'm not going to be swayed by a silly little bribe." I stared at her. "I want a whole pack."

Haha. Jas is thinking really hard.

"Fine. But tell me what you said first, because I don't know if it's worth it." Jas said 'slyly', she probably likes to think. Ooh, that is too pathetic for wordies.

"Jas you are so transparent. I will only tell you about Dave if I get a whole pack of Midge Jems." I demanded.

10 minutes and five Midge Jem packs later

"And then he said "Think about it" and walked off." I finished. Jas was, as she should be, suitably stunned.

"So he's finishing it with Emma and wants to go out with you?" Jas was positively bursting with excitement. I nodded. "Blimey." She said, for once making sense.

"I know. But I don't know what to do." I admitted.

"Blimey." She said again, and I threw a pillow at her.

"Jas. I need your help. Do I choose Masimo the Luuurve God or Dave the Hornmeister?"

"Dave the _Hornmeister?"_ Jas's mouth fell open

Oh bollocks.

**Saturday 6****th**** August**

2 p.m.

Moping about in Bedroom of Despair

Jas was actually quite nice about it, after she raved for about five hours about how I don't deserve Masimo and I was being unfaithful to him and whilst he was sipping coffee in Italy and not snogging Italian beauties I was gallivanting off with Dave the Laugh doing God knows what. But mostly revealing my whatsit and not eschewing him with a firm hand.

1 minute later

Mutti appeared round the door with two cups of coffee.

"Er, what are you doing?" I asked suspiciously. Since when has my dearest Mutti ever brought me up a coffee out of the goodness of her own heart?

"Oh, no reason, you just looked a bit miz when you came in earlier. Thought you could do with some cheering up." Mutti handed me the coffee and sat on the end of my bed where I was snuggled comfortably, but looking as if I'd win Miss Beautiful if we were all slugs.

"What's wrong, love?" she asked, looking all serious and concerned.

Merde.

3 minutes later

I broke down and told Mum about Dave. I didn't tell her absolutely everything, like I'd done in the tent with RoRo and Jools on the school trip, but enough for her to get the whole caboodle and picture.

1 minute later

Oh bollocking bollocks. Why the hell do I have to be such a prat?!

Hang on, no. Why does _Dave_ have to be such a prat!? I was pretty much fine with Masimo but then he waltzes along and snogs me to an inch of my life and nip libbles – LIP NIBBLES! – and breathes and then says he's going to break up with Emma and then asks if I'd be his one and only and basically he's just completely ruined everything.

"Oh, sweetheart," Mum rubbed my shoulder, which was actually quite nice, and made me forget about my runny nose and non-attractive, blubbering face. "Now, don't kill me for saying this, but…I think you really like Dave the Laugh. As in, you fancy him loads. But you also fancy Masimo."

Oh, well done. Because I hadn't figured that one out.

"But, you like him in a different way. What I mean is, Masimo is like a…a model. Or, a famous actor, or singer, y'know? He's gorgy looking and everything but that's the only reason you're going out with him. But with Dave, you fancy him but like him as well. You make each other laugh. You've got a relationship, like, you're friends and it's not just snogging each other."

Bloody hell.

Actually, I think I understand what Mutti's trying to say. Me and Dave have actually got…something. But with Masimo…merde, I think I'm agreeing with my own Elderly Loon here.

Blimey O'Reilly's undercrackers.

"So…what should I do?" I mumbled, still a bit sniffy.

"Well," Mutti was a bit more confident now, and she was sticking her basoomas out – which, trust me, isn't a good thing, as they nearly reached the opposite wall – and swishing her hair. Bloody hell, she's a prostitute if I ever saw one. "Well, I think you should dump Masimo, and take up Dave's offer."


	7. Masimo la risata

Boudoir of Poo-osity

10pm

Muttie has a point, it has to be said.

Oh I don't know. Great larks, je sais pas, as our dear amies across the pond might say.

The thing is – as any fool with half a brain might realise – I really like Masimo. Really really like him. He's vair sweet. A bit lacking in the hilariousnosity department (which is where D the L comes in – get out of my brain, Lachen Mann!!) but understandably, as he is Italian. Who knows, if I were Italian, I might realise he was the Italian Laughing Man. Masimo the Laugh. Masimo la risata. Sì sì.

Oh, in the name of Slim's elephantine and outsized pyjamas! I need some wisdomful advice!

Two minutes later

So why's am I on ze blower to Rosie?

"Ro Ro?"

"Oui, c'est moi, le grand sexpot du monde."

"Er…oui…I need your help, ami des amies."

"Spill all my jumping bean."

Ten minutes later

I did indeed spill all and Rosie is as agog as a gooseberry. Two in fact, two goosegog gooseberries.

"Mon pally, it appears you are in what one might call un dilemna. In fact, I had a dream about this."

"What – me and Dave?"

"Ah non. A dilmena. Y'see, I was in Svenland, drinking mead with my new husband and the like in this pub, when Hawkeye appeared and gave me a bad conduct mark for underage drinking."

"Oh…how…dilmena-istio…"

"But it doesn't stop there, Gee-Bug." What? "Hawkeye, after having a bit of Swedish mead to drink, actually began to break dance, but for the pièce de resistance she whipped off her nunga nunga holder and threw it into the audience. But guess who caught it?"

"Er – who?"

"None other than our Resident Lesbian and Official Girl Perv Mademoiselle Stamp."

"Non."

"Oui."

"But understandable."

"Très."

Bed

11pm

The nub and gist of it all is that Rosie thinks I should give it a week and then see how I feel, which is actually very wise words, in anyone's books. And if I'm still vair confused I have to ring up my supposed one and only and explain the whole fandango to him.

Hahaha.

Comme si.

Je ne suis pas un gros idiot.

Sunday

11am

Woken up by the crack of a whip. Peered through my bleary eyes to see Bibs smiling dementedly, waving that terrifying Pantalizer doll that she has now named Borris (or Borry) in my face. Enough to make jump a foot in the air, which it did. Not surprising, if you ask me.

5 minutes later

She actually has a whip.

2 minutes later

What sort of parents are mine to give their daughter a whip?

1 minute later

Well they are Official Loons of the Underworld and also original founders of the Parent Porn Brigade, campaigning to subject their teenage daughters to new, unacceptable heights of mental abuse.

2 minutes later

Bibs has just spotted Gordy in the garden and disappeared off to torture him. Fab, some snoozy time.

1 minute later

Phone, ring ring. Ho hum pig's bum, not my problemo. Snoozy snooze.

1 minute later

Why do I always do everything in this house?

Heaved self out of bed and fell down the stairs, looking like the long lost Mutti of the Prat Poodles i.e. loon-a-matic.

"Hello?"

"Gee, Sex-Kitty and beyond!"

_Merde_! Mega merde ands also mega merde with double knobs!

"Er…Dave…hahaha…" Attractive laughing, attempt of – but why am I laughing?! I should be crying! I haven't any make-up on and I could pass for a slug alien!

Although that could come in use one day. If ever the world was invaded by slug aliens and the human race needed someone who looked like a slug alien to go and convince my motley pals they have better things to do than –

SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP BRAIN!

"So how have you been Kittykat?" Funnily enough, Dave sounded a little nervous. But was playing it cool. G-g-great.

I could feel a hue of lemon come about me. In a nutshell, Ellen's divosity was about to rear it's ugly head.

"Erm, great, y'know. Doing…stuff…like, counting my shells…the usual…" Erm, _what_?!

"Oh, cool." Bet he regrets dumping Emma now! Hahaha…oh hang on, wait…" SO have you thought about it yet, Gee?"

HAD I THOUGHT ABOUT IT?!

Does the Queen wear bloomers?!

1 minute later

Does she?

1 minute later

"I, er…well…no, yeah – sort of." I mumbled. Dave did a little chuckle and I would have snogged him right away but there was a phone in the way. And I have a boyfriend! Crikey, I really am an unfaithful chat de chat of the first waters. And beyond.

"Okay then…"

"Dave, I can't just make a decision like that. I mean, I do like Masimo. It's not so simple." Cor blimey, deep words of wisdomosity.

"Of course." Ooh, D the L sounded a bit ice, ice, baby.

"Look…give me a week-" OH MY GOD, this is _exactly_ what Masimo did to me! And it was vair vair killing to my poor soul! "No!! I mean, 3 days, no, 2…just to figure out things."

"Sure." Wow, he sounded mighty cheesed off. Well, to be honest, Dave das Un-Lachen, I can't just chuck my sexy Italian boyfriend for you at the drop of a giraffe, and I am most definitely in what one might call _une situation_ right now.

"Don't be angry, Dave." I mumbled suddenly, surprising myself, because I'd been doing so well, all mature and full of Wise Wanda words, and then I ruined it by sounding like Sister Twit of the Moron Society.

"I'm not Kittykat." He said quietly. "I could never be angry at you."

In room

2 minutes later

What does that mean?! 'I could never be angry at you', what in the name of Miss Stamp's unnatural amount of facial hair is that supposed to _mean_?!

Oh my giddy God's pyjamas this is the same as the 'honoury bloke' and 'isn't it obvs' fiasco. E-V-E-R-Y-T-I-M-E I try and figure out this kerfuffle vis-à-vis Dave I end up either snogging him, or being utterly confused. But usually both. He just says something jaw-dropping and mooches off before I have time to regard my loins and distribute my nungas and have it out with him.

Buggeration and also Hitler's overgrown dressing gown.

What am I supposed to do?!

**G'day chaps, decided to restart, ah oui. This is a bit of a filler chappy, but it gets better, I have to promise. Verging into the Land of Gee and D, I must say, so if you're rootin' an' tootin' for MAZEEMO - well, gert owf moy land!**

**Adios, keep bangin'! And review, and read, and everything under the sun, please me lovelies!**


	8. Böses Mädchen!

Ace Gang meeting at RoRo's House

3pm

"And, like, he said, I mean, Dave, y'know, Dave the Laugh? Anyway, he said, well, 'I'm going to, y'know…with Emma'" said Ellen, Div Queen of the Universe.

"Erlack! Why would he tell you that!" Mabs said, quite wisely, and everyone agreed, quite wisely.

"Bit of a beast, telling you about his y'know, and wink wink." Rosie garbled on and Ellen went bright red. Ho ho.

"No – he, I mean, no he didn't say, y'know, he told me…" OOOOH my God, we will all be 204 by the time Ellen even figures out what she's trying to say, let alone say it. I could feel my face drooping and my hair thinning already. On that thought, Jas was looking a little grey…but no surprises there, as her and Tom have been married for 9 million years now, and they're practically Elderly Loons. "…and he said he'd, y'know, broken up with Emma."

If I hadn't of been pre-informed about this I would have sat bolt upright like a codpiece, without even thinking about it. But as this was yesterday's news hung out to dry I had to _pretend_ to sit bolt upright like a codpiece, as if I'd just heard the news, like all the others had done, which was a terrible effort let me tell you. And, for reasons I cannot think of, Rosie and Jas were not-so-subtly stare-glaring at me. In fact an antelope could have hopped out of Jas' eye she had them so wide. Funnily enough she looked like a nit-wit fringed version of Wet Lindsay i.e. non-attractive. Haha. I'll have to tell her that later.

"Blimey!" said Jools.

"Did he say why?" Jas asked me, but I think she meant Ellen, because, haha, what have I got to with any of this?

"Yeah, I mean, he said something like, y'know, he fancied someone else. I mean, y'know, what does that, like, mean?" She blinked like a twit of the first waters. Jas practically had a hernia and Rosie led the wise-nodding brigade.

Am I never to escape Dave the Laugh?!

Walking home

6pm

Hmmmm…

After many, er, hours, of pondering upon the situation regarding Dave the Laugh i.e. Dave my MATE, I have come to a conclusion.

Everytime I am with my BOYFRIEND and Sex God Beyond the Stars a.k.a Masimo, we _usually_ end up snogging.

Everytime I am with Dave the Laugh, my supposed mate but also occasional lip nibbling King and extraordinaire, we _always_ end up snogging.

1 minute later

That is what I think.

5 minutes later

Erlack, Mark Big Gob has appeared at the end of the road. Now why is he always lurking about like a…lurking…lip?

Buggeration, no chance of escape as he has spotted me. Merde and thrice again.

"Hello gorgeous. How are these two lovely ladies doing?" Ergh, he is so disgusting. I must ask Dave to-

Actually, let's just leave Dave out of this.

1 minute later

Erlack, Mark Big Gob has just launched himself at me! He pushed me up against a wall and stuck his dish-washer tongue in my mouth – erlack, double vomosity with knobs!

1 minute later

I am going to be sick, let go Mark Big Gob you prat of prats!

1 minute later

He is a big chap, it has to be said. I.e. Despite my attempts to try and push him off, he just pinned my hands down so I couldn't move! This is so wrong, I feel sick and utterly violated!

6 minutes later

I officially love Dave the Laugh.

Just as I was about to my knees into action – and about time too – Mark Big Gob suddenly went flying to my left, as if he'd been vair violently pushed.

"Au revoir, Mark my son." chuckled Dave, to my right, looking at Mark, who had landed on the floor, as if he was a poo. Which he is.

Then he took my hand and we walked off, just like that!

"Yeah, you watch out boy, I'll give you some next time!" Mark yelled from behind us, sounding very much like a Resident of Twit Street. I would know, Jas often visits there.

Anyways, Dave just turned round to look at him and laughed.

"Please, Mark. No more threats. I won't be able to sleep tonight." Vair amusante. But he had the cheek to slip his hand into my back jean pocket! There was no pincering action but I could practically feel his hand twitching. He is so naughty, he reeks naughtiness. Or, '_ow ze Français_ would say – 'ee smells of Eau de Naughtiere!

One minute later

I don't know either.

One minute later

"And I thought you were going to bin me last week, what happened to that?" Dave laughed, having a whale of a time, and even from where I was standing I could see Mark go red. Then he stomped off.

"Well Kittykat, no need to thank me." Dave winked, and then stopped.

"What?" He was staring at my neck, and he looked a bit funny, if we're splitting and telling all (oo-er).

"Dave, what is it?" I was getting a bit freaky-deakied out now, 'cos Dave wasn't saying anything.

"Well," He raised a Hornmeister eyebrow. "He certainly left his 'Mark' on you."

One minute later

It turns out Mark Big Gob gave me a lovebite!!

Poo-osity to the extreme!!

What a Prat beyond measure!!

One minute later

"Would you like me to duff him up for you Kittykat?" Dave said, full of kindnosity, but I knew he was trying to find a way to snog me.

"I'll have to wear a polo neck to school." I said, vair upset, understandably, at Mark Big Gob.

"Or you could just tell everyone it was me." Dave winked. I tutted but couldn't think of anything glacialosity enough to reply with.

One minute later

He just tweaked my bum!

I'd forgotten his hand was still there.

What the ultimate minx!

Three minutes later

In the park, on Dave's lap, on the bench.

One might say, i.e. Jas, for the girlfriend of a Luuurve God, I am snuggled up much too close to Dave, but I laugh in the face of their twittiness. It is not like anything naughty is going to happen, as I am, after all, eschewing him with a firm hand. I am just cold, is all.

_One minute later_

In August.

One minute later

Being snogged to within an inch of my life. He is a vair vair good snogger, it has to be said.

One minute later

Bad, bad Kittykat! Merde – at this rate even the lesbian convent won't accept me.

One minute later

Pulled away from Dave but the cheeky cat wasn't having it and simply started to snog me again, wrapping his arms round me so I couldn't move. Had a bit of dèja-vu whatsit as I realised this was quite Mark Big Gob-esque behaviour, but I didn't feel sick. Just très naughtiere.

One minute later

Managed to wriggle free of Dave's snoggy grips, oo-er. He smiled at me in a knee-jelloid-making away but I refused to give in. In fact, mon pally's, I'm proud to say that I actually got off his lap and sat at the end of the bench. All glacial, and the like. Bravo, Fraulein Eiskalt!

However, Dave just scooted up with a really irresistible grin, put his face right up to mine, and yelled "Böses Mädchen!" really loudly into my ear, so much that I jumped. He laugh a lot, and snuggled me into him. Oh merde, I haven't any energy to resist.

"What in the name of Slim's giganticus bloomers was that about?" Whoops, Dave gave me an 'are-you-mad?' look.

"Oh Gee, _you_ of all people should know. You are, of course, the German Sex Kitty that entices me no end." He put his arm round my waist and pulled me even closer, so I'd accidentally uneschewed him. Merde, I feel a nervy b coming on.

"Well, I don't, so what does it mean, Hornmeister?" I said in what I thought was a very casualostic manner.

"Tell me you want my kittens first." He said, with a vair naughty grin, but all the while pulling me a little closer. Blimey, his eyes had that pre-snogging hue about them that made me super jelloid and beyond. Sod it, I couldn't be bothered to hide my red-bottom, I'd fly it high with my flag.

"Fine, I want your kittykats." I said, but in a I-can't-believe-I'm-doing-this-but-whatever kind of way, sort of like Wet Lindsay but much much cooler. Or so I like to think. Dave smirked.

"Well Gee, in your beloved Lederhosen lingo, it means 'bad girl'." And that's when he licked my ear!! Not joking my copins and copains, he actually _licked_ my _ear_!!

But bloody Slim's elephantine pyjamas I nearly melted. It wasn't a Mark Big Gob wet willy type fiasco, it was a really jelloid-making, très gentle tracing of my ear lobe, really really lightly, and then he stopped, and I could feel him breathing on my neck, as if he'd fallen asleep right there and then. But I knew he hadn't because then he said this.

"Right Kittykat, do I have to wait another 5 days or will you say it now?"

"Say what?"

"Cheeky minx. You are of course going to bid arriverderci to your Italian could-I-be-a-lady? handbag entrepreneur and plight thy troth to this gorgeous beast." Blimey, he reeks sexosity. I mean, naughtyness. What a minx.

"Well…I…" Oh no, lost for words, never a good thing!

"Still a bit unsure Sex Kitty?" And he snogged me.

**Blimey, hands up who loves Gee and D!**


	9. Groove this Camel!

Prison for Prostitutes Ltd. i.e. My Room

12.46pm

Blimey.

1 minute later

Cor blimey.

1 minute later

And again, blimey.

1 minute later

I feel violated.

But strangely enough in a very nice way.

1 minute later

Do you know what German for nice is?

Nett.

I know, what ultimate fools. But that is the Spangleferkel folk for you. They get a perfectly fine word and think 'Oh, ja, ich bin ein relative to ze Koch family, zo I zink up crappy names for normal vurds, oh ja ja.'

Twitty McTwit if you ask me.

1 minute later

Yes I have lost it.

It's all Dave the Laugh's fault, as per usual.

2 minutes later

Well I always knew he liked to blow his horn, but still.

1 minute later

The shambledy do, my pals, is this:

Me and Dave got up to Number 8 on the snogging scale (!).

And to be honest with you chaps I'm in a bit of a tizz and to do.

3 minutes later

But I don't even feel dirty or anything. And Dave wasn't pervy at all, even though I know he's visited the Realms of Virtual 8 with me many times before.

2 minutes later

It's a bit of an erlack thing to say, but it was actually alright (okay, it was a LOT more than alright) and he was all gentle and careful and checked with me in case he'd, y'know, gone too far or anything like that.

Me, of course, being the ultimate Idiotin, just nodded like a tranquilized moose (which is what I felt like, moany moany, feeling quite dozy) and carried on snogging him. I didn't stop to say 'Hang on, currently I've got an Italian Stallion boyfriend, hold fire as my troth is already plighted mister.'

2 minutes later

I think I might really like Dave. Really. Even more than Masimo.

1 minute later

Am I mad?

1 minute later

Yes.

1 minute later

"GEORGIA NICOLSON IF I FIND OUT YOU'VE BEEN USING MY BLOODY RAZOR AGAIN THEN YOU WON'T SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY FOR THE NEXT FOURTY YEARS!" The Portly One startled me with his big yelling up the stairs act.

Oh rave on El Beardo I have bigger fish to fry than your stupid razor.

2 minutes later

It did do a tip-top job on the silky smooth legs department though.

1 minute later

Oh what larks my favourite Vati has banged down my door and is all red and huffy, glaring at me from the doorway.

"I swear to God-"

"Dad, this is my bedroom. Ergo, my private space. For all you know I could have been in the nuddy pants when you looned in here. Is that what you want? To see your teenage daughter in the nudey dude? Well, you have gone just too far."

7 minutes later

Whoops, wrong thing to say.

Apparently I am spawn of the devil.

Charming.

1 minute later

But back to this Dave business. After everything, erm, sort of slowed to a halt, and we stopped the whole Numero 6, 7 und, er, 8 fiasco, Dave just looked…guilty.

I kid you not.

Dave, tart of the underworld and mankind. Guilty-looking.

He was just staring into space, being his unlaughish self.

"Dave…" I said really quietly. He turned to look at me, and I got jelloidnosity to the extreme again. He really is blessed in the gorgey department.

"Kittykat." He said softly. Ooh, shivery knees, lips puckering up again. Down, lips, down! Lest I cut you off!

1 minute later

Oh, no, then I'd be deprived off all my snogging antics!

One minute later

Well, Dave has already found a way around that, hasn't he.

1 minute later

I was still trying to think of something to say, but he most rudely interrupted (oh I forgive him).

"I'll give you one more chance Gee." _What?!_ "One more chance to groove my camel, but after that, the game's up and you won't have any humps of sit on. No more quick snogs in the bushes Kittykat, 'cos you're either going to choose me, or Masimo, and that's that. Au revoir, sex maniac." And he ran off!

Well, he didn't run, Dave is much too cool for that. He sort of walked quickly, whilst I was still wondering what an earth he'd said.

1 minute later

Grooving his camel?!

Humps to sit on!?

1 minute later

No more snogs in the bushes!?

1 minute later

That was the worst bit!

1 minute later

SEX MANIAC?!

I don't put my hands down people's tops for a quick cop-about!

How can he do that, snog me to within an inch of my life so I am Mrs. Melt Woman and can barely breathe, let along speak, then put his hand down my top, before suddenly saying 'Oh no Kittykat no more snogs for you unless you become my one and only' before schnizzing off!

1 minute later

When has Dave ever been a molyga-wotsit?

1 minute later

Oh he is so getting the glacial shoulder now, and beyond.

1 minute later

After I find out what he meant when he raved on about camels.

Tuesday

2:47am

Two days since the Dave the Laugh incident and the cheeky cat has not got in contact with yours truly.

1 minute later

I'll show him what I think of that.

1 minute later

"Gee, c'est moi, ton Rosie! Le grand Sven hamburger !" She dribbled down the phone like the loon brigade.

"Bon le bon, I can see that."

"Ah, but can you?"

"Oui. I am all seeing and knowing."

"Obvs. Now Gee I have some vair and also sehr viel interessant Nachright."

"Nachright?"

"News."

Natürlich."

"Oui."

"And the news?"

"Caveman party, tonight, at mine."

"I see. Très bon Nachright."

"Oui. Pardon, ma petite toothbrush, about the short notice but you know what Sven is like when he hasn't been sponged."

"Er...Natürlich. Ist Herr Kamyer kommen?"

"You bilingual baby, of course! See you at 7, pip pip!"

1 minute later

Crabs on sticks, only 4 hours before the mad hen and her crazy Viking's parteeeee!

10 minutes later

Rang Jas.

"Jazzy Spazzy, c'est moi."

"Pardon?"

"What?"

"Who is this?" Ooh, she sounded on the brink of a nervy b, I must be as sweet as sugar. She is, after all, my bestest pally.

5 minutes later

Wrong.

1 minute later

Jas le Spaz won't let me stay at hers tonight because her and Hunky are going vole-dropping hunting in the morning and she has to wake up at 6. She is mucho ice woman, as I did a vair heart-breaking performance but this still didn't vibrate her heart strings, as it were. Well, rave on Vole Woman, you've stranded me on top of a maypole and I don't know how to get down!

3 minutes later

All is well. RoRo rung back to tell me everyone is staying at hers.

1 minute later

Including Dave the Laugh.

1 minute later

Don't know why she included that.

4.56pm

Crowded into Ellen's spazzy-like bedroom with Jools, Mabs, Honor and Sophs. They really are coming along nicely, I like to think. They were telling us how only yesterday they tripped up Wet Lindsay in Boots and did staring-at-her-fringe, which apparently had tip top results all round.

We have trained them well.

10 minutes later

Blimey, what to wear, what to wear!!

1 minute later

Hang on – why am I saying that?

Because for once I know what I am wearing!

Beast Woman rears her head!

I had my outfit ready an hour after speaking to Rosie. I found some leopard skin fur and cut two smallish strips out of it, one for my skirt, one for a nunga bandana type tom-foolery. It does look, though I say so myself, absolutely hilarious and quite Sex Kitty-ish.

5.56pm

Backcombed my hair, added some full of minxosity smoky eye make up, and I have to say I look a treat. Dave won't be able to keep his eyes off me.

1 minute later

MERDE!

What was_ that_ about?!

Dave, stay out of my brain!

1 minute later

OUT, damned spot! Out, I say!

1 minute later

Oui.

Three minutes later

Bloody Jesus' beard, I have only just remembered my love bite, courtesy of Mark Big Gob! For some unknown reason the rest of the loony lot have not noticed it. But it is on the side of my neck, and my hair is down, so I suppose you can't see it at all. So if I just keep my hair like this, and don't swing it about too madly, I should super fine.

One minute later

Hopefully.

RoRo's house

7.32pm

Cor, a crowd is kicking up here. Bon le bon. No sign of Dave, which is a bit of reliefosity.

7 minutes later

Oh Blimey, the Dame has wriggled up to me like a snake on stilts. He really is a prat of the first waters, and he isn't even dressed for the occasion, just wearing jeans and an admittedly quite groovy top, like your Average Loserish Joe.

One minute later

Erlack, forget about the formalities why don't you? He just lunged in right away with the snogging, and I had to duck backwards. But he kept on lunging forwards so I had to keep on ducking backwards.

One minute later

He is sniggering, obvs finding the whole thing somewhat hilarious.

Prize twit, if you ask me.

Two minutes later

Whoops, one duck too far. I have accidentally bumped into none other than Dave the Laugh. He looks quite gorgey, I have to admit, in just some ripped, ¾ length trousers and messy bed hair, like he's just woken up. And random bits of hair stuck all over his body that looks suspiciously like the theatrical fur me and Rosie had such a ball with.

But crikey, he is marvy looking.

"Kittykat! Great minds think alike – cave man _and_ woman!" He grinned naughtily but then spotted the Dame, who was looking a little frosty around the edges. "G'day chappy, have a biscuit." And he threw a wet chip at him, which for some reason he had been storing behind his ear. Worryingly Sven-like.

"'Scuse us Dave. Me and Georgia have some catching up to do." The Dame smirked, ignoring the chip, even though it hit him in the face with top notch hilariousnosity, and began to drag me away, which is when Dave…

Did nothing (!).

Literally.

Oh sorry, he shrugged and then returned to his group of worshipping tarts!

Why isn't he saving me from the Dame? Why isn't_ he_ dragging _me _away from the Dame, so we can mad dance and possibly snog?!

One minute later

On the other hand, he is watching us with a weird look, as the Dame dragged me outside. Failing in this supposed glacialosity routine.

Oh, whoops, that was my job, wasn't it?

Merde.

One minute later

The Dame stuck his hand on my bum and tried to snog me, but I said "Oh, whoops, I, er, forgot my duck." And ran off to find some help. Not D the L, who I am now eschewing with good reason, but someone who loves me.

Two minutes later

Which is not Jazzy Spazzy. Who is just that; a spaz beyond measure. Here is how our little convo went:

Moi: "Jas, Jas, grand news, I need your help oh Fringed one!"

Jas (who you would be forgiven for thinking might want to help her poor besty pally after she ditched her for her vole-committed boyfriend, which is completely against the Highway Code of Friendship): "Not now Gee, I really can't talk. Tom has just found this Greater Pus-Filled Toad and…" Or something along that loony vein, to which I responded with:

"Seriously Jas, my pal above all, this is très importanto-"

And SHE said:

"Oh it's always you you you isn't it! Don't be so horribly selfish!" And Mrs. Huffy-Knickers stalked off!

Leaving me!

On my own!

One minute later

As Jas shrugged off, and I pondered upon my not-so-besty pally's loony outburst, I heard someone else walk up to me. Oh merde, please not the Dame.

"Well well well Miss Sex Kitty." Dave sat next to me with a drink in his hand. It smelt, er, alcoholic, to say the least. But the cup was quite full, so he can't have drunk much of it.

Unless it was his second?

"I see you shook the Dame off then?"

I was vair tempted to tell him that was his job usually, but didn't, because he seemed to be in a bit of a strange mood.

So I didn't say anything.

One minute later

"Ignoring me Kittykat? Bad idea." And he moved a LOT closer. Quite similar to how close we were the other day. Ooh-er.

He didn't smell of alcohol, so I was quite relieved. But on the other hand, my lips were puckering up vair vair badly. Which is something Dave seemed to notice.

"Go on Kittykat. One for no and two for yes." He winked mischievously and my knees went mega jelloid. Bad boy, as Bibs might say. "Either way Gee, you've got to kiss me."

"What do you mean?" Ooh, I think I'm in dangerous territory. Not least because it has major potential to end up in heavy snogging.

"You know what I mean Kittykat." He looked very pre-snogging right now, and I was quite wondering why he wasn't actually doing anything.

Maybe he wanted me to make the first move?

Merde, that is what he means!

He means, if I snog him, then I have accepted his proposal to be his official snogging post and partner. If I don't, I am declining.

30 seconds later

This is the crappiest situation I've ever been in! What a pile of merde and Scheisse! The absolute minx!

He knows I want to snog him to within an inch of his life but I can't do that whilst I'm Masimo's handbag, but if I don't snog him now then I'll never snog him again!

One minute later

Do I want to snog him?

20 seconds later

You bet Uncle Eddy's Bald-o-gram I do!

Two minutes later

Hang on, he said one snog for no, two snogs for yes. So I can still snog him. But I want to carry on snogging him after the party, not just have one now and never again.

One minute later

Dave put a hand up to my neck and vair softly pushed my hair behind my shoulder.

"Still Mark's territory, eh, Kittykat?" He mused, and I nearly walloped him one.

"I am not Mark's territory!" I scared myself greatly as I thought I had suddenly reincarnated into the Great Knickered One herself, with my très huffy response.

"Y'know Gee, it looks a bit odd only having one on your neck. Do you want one on the other side to even it out?" And before I could stop him – though I don't know why he was snogging me because I was supposed to be making the life-changing decision here, and he was supposed to await on _my _snogs – he was sucking on the neck.

One minute later

Blimey that sounds super erlack doesn't it!

With Mark, it was a super slug-athon, and I hadn't even realised I'd got a lovebite because he'd been sliming all over my neck.

But with Dave it was sooo different and sooo nice, he was really gentle but kept changing pressure so it was quite hard, but then soft, and then flicky tongue, and then not, and Blimey O'Reilly's underpants I quite literally melted into him. He didn't seem to mind when my head sort of lolled onto his shoulder, quite like Gordy or Angus, but then he stopped, and my neck was throbbing something awful, and he gently steered my face so that I was looking directly into his eyes.

"One kiss or two Sex Kitty. Make your mind up quick."


	10. NOT A CHAPTER

Righty ho chaps I am waking up at the crack of dawn tomorrow to go camping and will not be back 'til Friday so R&R and I'll give you lots to think about when I retournir! Begging ya, please. Loadsa lurve xxx


	11. Go Fish!

10.13pm

Oh blimey.

Five minutes later

I have ruined everything between me and Dave.

One minute later

After he said "One kiss or two Sex Kitty. Make your mind up quick", I stared at him, and then I had a complete nervy b and a tizz and to do and also an f.t to end all f.t's and I scarpered.

I heard him yelling my name but for some reason unknown I kept running, into the house, into the toilets, splash water on face, breathe, breathe, ohm, is this really happening?!

One minute later

I cannot hate myself anymore than I do right now. I am Prize Bitch Numero Uno. Even more than her Octopusness – at least she has reason to not like me, as we are, after all, rivals in love and the like.

But I have just been an utterly, utterly horrible person.

One minute later

Merde.

Neither Masimo OR Dave deserve me.

Two minutes later

I really want to run back and hug Dave and kiss him and say yes and everything and oh my giddy God's pyjamas…

One minute later

I cannot believe I am going to say this but,

I have to dump Masimo.

And I will.

Tomorrow.

And I will plight my troth to Dave the Laugh, like he asked.

Three minutes later

Blimey O'Reilly, what sort of person am I to dump a Luuurve God?!

This is what Dave does to me!!

One minute later

Oh merde, Wet Lindsay will have a field day.

One minute later

Mind you, I won't be the dumpee, which is a plus. And she'll be having my cast-offs. Again!

One minute later

That's quite a good point actually.

Three minutes later

Crikey, just realised I've been crying like a hippo. Thank God no-one can see me. I hope there is no panda eyes at dawn type fiasco.

One minute later

Cor, I look like I've been duffed up by a mascara wand and it's muscly mates!

I must clear up this mess!

Two minutes later

The Ace Gang suddenly appeared, full of sympathy and nice stuff like that. I feel the suspicion of sniffles coming about me again.

Oh sod off tears. I am new Wise Woman (not Wanda). I am winning back Dave the Laugh and he does not deal with snivelling rabbit relations. That is le fact.

One minute later

"You look a state." Jas said. Cheers.

But I am still ignoring her after the 'you are so selfish' ultimate insult. Honestly, who deserts their bestest pally for a) her boyfriend (this has already been discussed) and b) wildlife. Particularly wildlife that secretes pus about its person. Erlack.

One minute later

Rosie has spat on a tissue – a LOT – and is dabbing at my face. I can smell the cheesy treats on her breathe but when I tried to swat her hand away, in a vair kind, appreciative manner, she just hit me on the head. Hard.

Has she been taking notes from Bibs?

Ten minutes later

After telling the Ace Gang about the situation with Dave – whilst ignoring Jas and Ellen, who looked as if she was on the verge of a heart attack – they got me ready for a big snogathon reconciliation i.e. making me look like a Sex Kitty again so Dave wouldn't be able to resist the call of the Specific Horn, no matter what.

Then we set off, all linky-arms, and having a bit of a giggle. Oh, the girls are back in town, beware Frauleins und Herrs!

One minute later

Hmmm, we're all looking for Dave but so far he's been Mr Mysterious…

Five minutes later

Back in toilets, blubbing like Yvonne the Whale.

One minute later

Shall I tell you why?

I shall tell you why.

We were all on the – _casual_ – lookout for Dave, and I was getting a bit desperados, because what if I couldn't find him, because he'd left, and he was really angry at me and never wanted to speak to me ever again?

Well, anyway, I spotted him, in the corner of the room.

With Emma.

Snogging.

There was also a lot more than snogging go on i.e. their hands were, quite literally, everywhere. I felt sick.

Dave looked sort of really angry, not like he was enjoying it, and Emma looked like she was trying to enjoy it, but was drowning instead.

And it really reminded me of the whole Mark Big Gob fandango. Dave looked like he was doing exactly the same.

To tell you the truth, I was scared.

Then, as if he could read my mind or something, Dave looked up and stared right at me, just before my eyeballs fell out. Which would have been a bit messy. And I wouldn't have been able to see. Mind you, that's probably a good thing because-

Shutpushutupshutup!

Anyway, he just looked really angry, and sort of upset.

And that was when I realised how much I'd hurt him, and I felt quite a lot like the anchor that drops when I visit Poo Bay. Which is most definitely where I am now, awash with poo and merde and Scheisse.

Then he shrugged and went back to eating Emma.

Two minutes later

So that is why I am shoved up in Rosie's loo, blubbing for England like a word-class fool.

He's not even my boyfriend!

One minute later

What makes it worse is that it is all my fault.

Two minutes later

Ace Gang trying to get me out

"Gee, please come out? I will give you my beard to cheer you up, and Sven has said he will do a special dance for you?" That was Rosie, although God knows why any of that would persuade me out.

"Georgia, you really are being silly and over-dramatic. There is a big queue for the toilet and everyone's getting annoyed, whilst you're holed up in there creating a drama out of nothing." That was Jas, ex-best pally.

One minute later

I came out of the toilet and threw the bog roll at her, right in the face. And it was extra funny because it was a bit wet on the sides (erlack).

One minute later

Phew, big tension-reliever, is duffing up Jas le Grand Twit.

Two minutes later

The Ace Gang have left me again, on false pretences of getting nibbles to cheer me up. Well, Jas and Rosie are actually by the snack table but I can quite clearly see Jools, Mabs, and Ellen snogging random blokes (well, Jools is snogging Rollo, otherwise there would be words).

One minute later

Blimey, the queue for the toilet is giving me the worst evils. I am sorry, but I am having what one might call a crisis. There is a garden, if you are so desperate.

Oh great, talking to myself again.

One minute later

Whoops, I have just walked into Emma, who is looking oddly giddy and excited.

"Oh, hi Georgia." She tried to smile at me, but the strange thing was it sort of worked, because she was so obviously happy about something. Rub it in why don't you.

God, this is sickening. She is so much prettier than me. She's one of those people that you have to look at twice in the street, that sort of pretty. It's really quite depressing. Her nose is really nice and normal and her smile is really pretty. And no, I'm not on the turn.

And she is so much more slimmer than me! No wonder Dave went out with her. But why an earth he'd ask me to be his One and Only over her I don't know. But I have said it before and I will say it again, boykind are a totaly mystery to Norma Normals like myself.

One minute later

"Listen, Georgia, I know we're not really close or anything…and there's been, well, stuff, between us…Dave, and all of that." Haha, you don't say! "But…well…y'know…can we, er, talk? For a bit? I mean, it won't take long or anything it's just I sort of need some advice, well, not advice, but…well, we're all girls here…" Clearly. "And…well, I just need to chat to someone. I'll be really quick, I promise."

Blimey she is putting Ellen to shame.

But what is she on about?

"Er, sure. Go ahead."

"Okay…"

"Okay."

"Okay…"

Okay already!!

One minute later

"Well…here's the thing…you and Masimo have been going out a while now…and, y'know, your boyfriend and girlfriend and stuff…a couple…" I never know how observant this Emma was. Really. It's like killing yourself slowly. "Okay, well…anyway…have you two ever…y'know…done it?"

Done what? Fishing? Hiking whilst maypole dancing with a llama, cutting Jas' fringe-

WHAT?!

DONE IT?!

"I mean, I wouldn't normally ask but…none of my friends are here and I thought you, of all people, would understand."

I _beg_ her pardon? Did she just very subtly call me a tart of Aphrodite? You of all people?! In the name of Slim's giganticus pyjamas, this is an outrage!

I would get Dave to duff her up but…well…y'know…

"…and me and Dave…we were on a break but then we got back together tonight and we're both ready, I mean, I am, and he is – and he's just gone to get the, er, y'know, stuff…" And she blushed REALLY red then. "But I was just wondering if you had any tips?"

Two minutes later

Any tips?!

10 minutes later

Emma skedaddled pretty quick after I told her me and Masimo had definitely not gone there.

Oh my God, but what if he wants to?

He is an older bloke after all.

Has he done it before?

What if I say no and he thinks I'm wet and pathetic and dumps me for Old Thongy who, in no uncertain terms, would run through the street naked for a Masimo Snog.

Two minutes later

Oh my God, what if Dave and Emma are doing it right now?

One minute later

Get out of my brain, Dave and Emma!

One minute later

Erlack!

One minute later

Why, in the name of Our Lord Sandra, would Emma ask _me_ for advice on _that_!

And what did she mean 'you of all people'??

Is she implying I am more likely than anyone else to have nipped it in the bud and … y'know…Number 10?!

One minute later

Is that what everyone thinks, that I am a tainted tart?

Oh my God.

Five minutes later

Rounded up the Ace Gang and told them about the situation I was now in. Apart from I left Jas to investigate the dead hedgehog she found outside (I wouldn't put it past her to consider giving it mouth to mouth) because, as from now, ex best pally's need not apply here.

"Crikey, Number 10?!" Jools practically yelled and I had to wallop her one.

"That's a bit nasty, asking you. I mean, everyone knows-" Mabs said, but then fell silent.

One minute later

What is this, Insult Georgia day?! Its coming from every angle, honestly! I need a protection suit of some sort. Like a hedgehog.

One minute later

Mind you, look where he ended up.

One minute later

"Everybody knows what?" I asked Mabs, who looked really uncomfortable. Serves her bloody right.

"Well…just that you and Dave had a thing before, and all. It's like her asking Ellen or something." But you could tell she didn't mean that. What she really meant was everybody knows you and Dave have got a thing going on right now.

But it's not exactly hard to miss, seeing as he snogs me at every given opportunity.

One minute later

Well, he used to.

"Do you want me and Sven to investigate, Gee? We can be super detectives." Ro Ro said, but I said no. Because, erm, well why would I say yes? I don't want details of Dave and Emma getting it on, thankyou very much!

Seven minutes later

Ace Gang conclusion is just to play it cool, as Emma is probably making it up to make me feel jealous, and act as if she's 'bagged the guy'. What she doesn't know is that five minutes before Dave was asking me to be his One and Only!

One minute later

Oh no, I'd just about forgotten about that.

12.12 am

To cheer me up, the Ace Gang (minus Jas, who had scuttled off home like the teacher botty kisser she is) did a brillopads rendition of the Viking Disco Inferno dance. Even without the horns it was hilarious, because there was a lot of botty wiggling and jumping on random people, and a bit of a scuffle broke out between two Foxwood lads who had got a bit too excited over Mabs, who was batting her eyelids like a fish. No pridenosity whatsoever.

The Dame almost ruined it when he slimed over and said, "Do you want some help with those?', looking at my nungas, but I just danced off, exuding glacialosity and tip top casualness. All his lardy mates did that naff 'You just got rejected!' thing and slapped him on the back and said 'Plenty more fish in the sea, mate!'

Très pathetico if you ask me.

One minute later

I can't see Dave or Emma.

Now is that a good thing or a bad thing?

One minute later

Merde, what if they are doing it right now?

I feel sick.

Two minutes later

To be honest, Dave can do whatever he wants with whoever he wants because I already have a boyfriend who luuuurves me and I luuurve him back, and every single girl in Italy and England and also Canada would duff me up just to look at him.

Why did I even consider dumping the Italian Stallion for Dave the Laugh?

Who doesn't even qualify in the Luuurve or Sex God Championships.

One minute later

He was a very close runner up though.

One minute later

Shut up brain! I will never be Kittykat again, and will ignorez-vous Dave good and proper.

He deserves it.

Ten minutes later

I do really like him though. And as a mate as well.

One minute later

Blimey, this emotional work is so tiring. I need a good snog. My lips are getting withdrawal symptoms.

Even though I've already been snogged once tonight.

When I shouldn't have been.

One minute later

Merde.

1.36 am

Oh what larks, Sven has decided to play Go Fish with a real fish. Yes, he actually bought a haddock. It stinks.

But we are also playing Sven's version of Go Fish. Which involves attacking people with the fish and, if they are Rosie, snogging them, with the fish.

I don't really want to know, personally.

One minute later

Erlack, he has shoved the haddock down the front of Ellen's top!

It is pretty hilarious though, she is jumping up and down like a loon and yelling at Sven and also Rosie, who is just wetting herself.

All you can see under her black vest is this odd bump that would be a really weird looking nunga, and the tail of the fish is just peeking out.

It's bloody funny, I can tell you that for free!

2.13 am

Yawn, I am sooo tired!

I have been dancing like a maniac since the dawn of man and I look a state, but we are all settling down for bobo's now. Hmmmm, nice and snugly in my sleeping bag. I managed to bagsy the sofa whilst the rest of the drunken loons have the floor. Teehee, top marks for geniosity!

One minute later

I'm still vair confused about Dave though.

Two minutes later

And Masimo, and Masimo.

2.27 am

Blimey, I really am tired to the max.

But I'll never be able to get to sleep because a) it stinks of fish and b) I'm having a little, sleepy nervy b about this whole Dave the Laugh situation. The whole ridiculous thing is I don't know whether I want to be his One and Only or not, which is ridiclyious to the extreme because he is a mate and a Laugh but not a boyfriend, which I already have, and who is very nice and yummy scrumboes thankyou.

One minute later

I am so jumbled up about it all, I'll never be able to get to…

One minute later

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…

3.56 am

Crikey!

It really is stifling in here, did I just wake up in a volcano?!

Bloody hell, I need to get out of this sleeping bag before I melt-

"I'm sorry Emma, really."

Hang on…

Was that...

"Dave, you've said you're sorry for the past 20 minutes. But you never told me why you did it, why you were acting like that." That was Emma.

Blimey, what I have woken up to?

I tried to sort of wriggle out of my sleeping bag whilst looking like I was just sleep-wriggling but I also had to listen in to their conversation. Which is a bit rude I know but this is tip-top information and also rather juicies.

Dave sighed, and my knees went wibbly wobbly. Crikey and beyond.

"It's difficult to explain Emma." God, I just wanted to get up and snog him right now!

No, down Red Bottomosity of the Wold! Back before me, and gird your loins! I am new, revamped, non-Sex Kitty. Unless Masimo is around.

Oui.

"Well if I'm your girlfriend surely you should be able to tell me." Emma sounded like she'd been blubbing. Oh my giddy god's pyjamas…

"I was just...I dont know, upset about something Emma, aright? Please, can we just leave it." Dave said in this really irritated voice, like she was getting on his nerves.

"So, because you were upset about something, it makes it alright for you...to do that...?" Crikey, what did he do to her?

"I didn't do anything Emma, you're making it sound a lot worse than it was."

"Dave!"

"I'm going to bed." I heard him get up, but Emma stopped him, and pulled him back down.

"It's Georgia, isn't it."

Dave stopped breathing. Well, no, I don't mean he literally stopped breathing because that would be a bit silly and he could possibly die because he wasn't breathing and-

Ooooooooooh silly brain conversations again, shut up brain shut up!

"What's Georgia got to do with anything?" He really was Dave the Un-Laugh now. His voice was all dangerous and sort of like a warning. Emma just started to cry again and ran out of the room.

Blimey O'Reilly's undercrackers.

One minute later

Dave actually looks super marvy. I sort of peeked over my sleeping bag and he was sat on the sofa, all moody and running his hands through his hair. He looked quite angry and, to be honest, it sort of gave me the Horn.

Sod it I can't be bothered to ignorez-vous my Red Bottomosity. I'm exhausted and it's too much bother.

One minute later

He stood up so I had to close my eyes again, in case he noticed.

One minute later

Bloody hell, he has just sat down next to me! Well, I'm sort of hogging the whole sofa but there's a little space in the middle and he sat there. What is he doing?!

One minute later

He is stroking my face. Oh, it feels so nice and marvy and he could carry on doing this for years. I wouldn't need food or water because he'd be stroking my face, all nice and strokey strokey.

I hope he doesn't do a Bibs and whack me on the head after a few seconds. That would be pretty scary.

One minute later

He's snogging me!

Not snogging, I mean, he gently kissed me on the lips and I had an absolute complete ditherspaz and accidentally snogged him back, in a sort of mini Number 4 way.

In my defence, I was just acting out of habit.

But I thought Dave was in a huff with me?

Obviously not, yummy snog, snog snog snog, I'm too tired to be doing this but I could snog for England. Wahey!

Dave was vair surprised but kept on snogging me and then it went into a Number 5 and it was beyond marvytastic, and he was sort of pressing me against the sofa and moaning a little bit, moany moan. Blimey!

But then he stopped and I had to pretend I was asleep again.

Oh what larks I really am an idiot of the first waters.

"I know you're awake Georgia."

Ooh, does he know?

½ a second later

Of course he does we just had a mini Snogathon!

"I was actually sleep snogging."

One minute later

Official loon, I know.

Why do I always make a fool out of myself?

One minute later

Dave kissed me again, very softly, on the lips, and I had a severe case of tip top melty knees but then he drew back and when I looked up at him he looked sort of angry.

Uh-oh.

One minute later

"I thought you'd made up your mind." He said, all confused-looking. Stop with the talking, more snogs!

"Er…well...the thing is-"

"Actually, you know what Gee, here's an idea. You just stick with your Handbag Entrepreneur and stop messing me about." And he huffed off!

One minute later

Oh my God.

One minute later

I've really upset him now.

One minute later

I hate myself, I really really hate myself. The lesbian nuns will take one look at me and say "No she's a royal tart and parades her Red Bottom around with gay abandon" and they will reject me from their silly convent just like I accidentally rejected Dave and merde merde merde why do I do this?!

One minute later

I am actually crying now.

One minute later

All on my owney, snivelling in my sleeping bag like a twit.

Everyone else is asleep.

Oh, I feel so alone.

One minute later

I wish Dave would come back.

And not just to snog me.

One minute later

If Dave comes back I promise to plight my troth to him and dump Masimo tomorrow. That is a promise.

4.30 am

Dave isn't coming back.

**Dave was a bit unlaughy in this chapter I know, but just hang in there chaps! please r and r cos you love it so!**


	12. Nungaframe

Thursday 11th August

1.14pm

Operation Sunbathe with Ace Gang in the park

"So Rollo had, y'know, drunk a bit, and he tried to, y'know…" Jools said, and we all did wise nodding. Apart from Jas, who had a mini spaz attack.

"He tried to do _that_?" She said, in this really pratty way, and Jools looked at her funny.

"Er, no, he was just like sticking his hands down my skirt. And, I mean, I wasn't having that, so I gave him the red card and walked off, like I should do, right?" Back to Wise Wanda of the Forest nodding. "So I decided after about half an hour I'd given him enough time and I go and find him and he's snogging one of those girls from Year 12 at Kings!"

Crikey.

Five minutes later

Official Ace Gang conclusion is that Rollo was drunk so he didn't mean it but Jools should still give him time out for a week because, obviously, getting off with another girl is sooo not acceptable. And for the pièce de resistance she can ignorez-vous him, until next Thursday, when she can snog the face off of him. But he needs to know that he is being snogged on Thursday in case he wanders off.

One minute later

Ho hum pig's bum, still does not sort out my problem vis-à-vis Dave the Laugh. And Emma.

I wonder if they actually have, y'know, done it?

One minute later

I don't know why but that makes me feel all upset and jealous-y like.

Even though I'm supposed to me giving Dave the glacial shoulder.

Even though after he'd snogged Emma and apparently she was now his girlfriend and they were planning to do it he still wanted to kiss me.

One minute later

Buggering Mary's, I totally ruined it by snogging back, didn't I? Why didn't I just let him have a gentle goodnight snog and enjoy him strokey stroking my face like Norma Normal and just enjoy the jelloids instead of snogging him back!

One minute later

Because I am not Norma Normal, that is le fact.

One minute later

"So, Georgia, what's going on with you and Dave?" Everyone looked at me. Stop staring you loons!

"Er…well, I dunno, cos we didn't really talk after I saw him with Emma." I mumbled, because for some reason I don't know why I didn't want to tell them about the whole snogs-in-the-morning fiasco, because it was doing my head in like a whale.

"Do you reckon they, y'know, actually…well, sort of, you know what I mean…did it?" Ellen prattled on for England and I had to fight the urge to attack her with sun cream. I was really too mizz to even think about moving.

"Well, if they did, it's really none of our business-" Jas started but Rosie took out the half-chewed biscuit from her mouth and threw it at her. Vair hilarious. Strangely enough, Jas took it flying, and just went into a huff. Blimey, if I'd have thrown it at her, the next ten years would have been spent with Jas lecturing us all about the pros and cons of flying biscuits and the damages they cause.

Sometimes, I really wonder if she deserves to be my besty.

"I don't think they did, because me and this bloke Jack were snogging right next to them for ages after you told us about what Emma said, and we were there for ages, but they never went." Mabs volunteered. It sort of made me feel better, but I still felt really like poo. Blimey, I wasn't supposed to get this upset over a bloke who wasn't even my boyfriend!

But I guess when Masimo gets back this'll all be over and I'll have my nice super fit boyfriend to keep me company, and snog me to bits, yay and also scrummy yumboes.

One minute later

But I still want Dave to snog me. And I no longer hide behind my girded nungas and so on and so forth, I say it outright with compassion and whatsit, and also joie de gadzooks.

One minute later

But if Dave is happy with Emma, then I'm happy with that, and we're all as happy as jumping beans on a jumping farm.

One minute later

Blimey, I really don't know either.

Ten minutes later

Oh crikey, and also Wilma Wallaby. Guess who's just been spotted on the horizon?

Dec, Ed, Rollo, Tom, Dave and Emma made their way over to us, and Dave had his arm round Emma, like he used to with me, and they looked really couple-y, and…I felt really awful then. Properly mizz.

But they're obviously just, y'know, showing off and everything. Like, 'Hey, I've got a boyfriend' (or girlfriend, and I haven't even any joie de whatsit to make a joke about that) and all us lot have to look properly pooed out that we're not all as happy and couple-y as them.

To be honest it just looks put on.

One minute later

But I guess they've worked things out since Tuesday night.

Marvy.

For them, I mean. And me. Cos Dave is my mate. And, er, he's obviously happy with his girlfriend.

One minute later

I just give up.

"Alright you gorgeous lot!" Dave winked at us all, apart from me. As in, he completely ignored me. Well if he's going to act like Mr Immature for the Prat Society I don't mind. No, honestly. I have better things to do than be friends with twits. Which begs the question, why am I still hanging around with Jas?

Everyone greeted each other and Rollo and Jools slinked off for some obvious snogging and Ed was chatting up Ellen, who was all giggly and red as a beetroot, and Dec was flirting with Mabs, who was loving it – the absolute tart – and Jas and Tom had also disappeared to go and hunt some cuckoo spit or something ridiculous like that.

But anyway, that left me, Dave, Emma and Rosie. How awkward could you get?

One minute later

Answer: we were very quite nearly verging into the Valley of Awkward Behinds.

Oui.

One minute later

"So did you two crazy kids enjoy the party?" Rosie said, and my head nearly fell off she sounded so normal.

"Oh yeah, it was really great, thanks for having us." Emma trilled, sounding like the ultimate resident of Twit Towers. I'm surprised her and Jas haven't become idiot friendies yet.

Then I looked back at Dave to see how well he was doing with this ignorez-vousing routine and he was staring at me!!

Bloody hell and also merde, talk about mixed signals and underpants! Which, by the way, I felt wobble. My underpants, that is.

He looked away really quickly, but I'd caught him out, ha!

One minute later

Crikey, he's gone all red! Oh my God he's blushing! In the name of Slim's elephantine proportions he looks even more gorgey than ever. He's deliberately staring at Emma really hard and its sooo obvious he's ignoring me.

"You know David," Rosie said suddenly, donning the beard. Emma looked quite freaked out, but I suppose she isn't used to Ro Ro's antics. Dave just looked amused. "I can see your monkey ears very clearly. You can pretend to like coconuts as long as you like but everyone knows monkeys luuurve bananas." And she took the beard off.

Emma and Dave just looked at her as if she was insane. Fair do's.

One minute later

The very said thing is, I understand what she is talking about.

One minute later

Clue: Dave is the monkey, I am the banana, and Emma is the coconut.

Two minutes later

I cannot stand this any longer.

Five minutes later

Walking home on my owney loney

I said bye to RoRo, Dave, and Emma. Rosie and Emma were fine but Dave just looked away and sort of grunted! I really hate him. I really really hate him. I mean, even if I did mean to choose Masimo over him, he has no right to go off in a huff like a little madam. He really is the limit over my nunga.

One minute later

Whhaaat?!

One minute later

"Georgia, wait!"

Oh brillopads, here he is, coming to apologise, and bow to my ultimate Sex-Kittyosity, and-

One minute later

Oh.

One minute later

It's Emma.

One minute later

"Georgia, hi." Blimey, she ran all that way and isn't even panting! I really do not like her. Much. Even though, technically, she's done nothing wrong.

Merde.

"Hi Emma." Ooh, this is embarrassing. Especially as I know she and Dave…well, y'know…oh crikey, not this again! Why did she ask_ me_ for advice?! To rub it in? That is not nice, that really isn't nice, and if she thinks I'm going to take it lying down, flat as a bargepole, then-

"Can I talk to you for a bit Georgia?" Not this again! The last time she asked a for a little chit chat and biscuits at dawn I ended up nearly melting and blowing my head off! And we are already talking, the silly goat, why does she need to _ask_, it's not like we were silent and then she had to ask permission to say a question, but then she would to ask permission to actually _ask_ permission but that wouldn't be possible because –

Shutupshutupshutup brain you are losing it and I am very nearly quite possibly verging into Loony Land!

"Alright then." I said, in what I like to think was a very sophis and I've-really-got-to-go-but-I'll-spare-you-a-minute-as-I'm-so-full-of-nice-osity-and-the-like.

So I like to think.

"Great. Well…here goes…"

Blimey, not this again.

My Bed

8pm

What an absolute prize bitch!

One minute later

She is almost up there with Wet Lindsay! And that is saying something.

One minute later

She asked me to leave Dave alone, even as mates, because I was a 'bad influence' on him (definite Slim-collaboration on that one) and they've 'only just got things back on track'.

Right.

He is the one who snogs me!

One minute later

And apparently I've really upset Dave, because I keep leading him on and then pulling away.

Well – and this is me being Wise Wanda the Wandering Wallaby, so pay attention – if a bloke is going to get upset by another girl 'leading him on', which I wasn't, perhaps it isn't your bestest idea to start going out for him, and I might even go as far as to say it might almost definitely guarantee a big trip to the Cake Shop of Agony! In fact, you won't even need one trolley for the trip, you'll need two, because there will be a lot of agony in that little fiasco.

Two minutes later

I told her this and that was when she lost her rag and also went ballisticimus, and was quite a lot like my Vati, which was why it was actually quite nearly verging on the Hamlet of Hilariousnosity. Apart from those few nasty insults she threw in.

One minute later

According to Emma, I am a "dirty slaggy tart who flirts like she breathes and leads boys on" and apparently Masimo does not deserve a cheating tart like myself.

One minute later

Mind you, I have been in a big deal of confusiosity about the last one, so I can't really argue with that.

One minute later

But there was a lot of unnecessary hostilities juicing up the whole fiasco.

Ten minutes later

She is lucky I'm such a kind, forgiving person.

8.33pm

She has also been made Public Enemy Number 2 (guess who slimes in at Number 1?)

11.38pm

I really miss Dave, already.

But he must have told her all that poo about me 'leading him on' and 'pulling away' because before then she didn't have a problem with me.

What an absolute rat of the underworld!

He is almost like Radio Jas, snitching to everyone behind my back!

One minute later

In the name of Jesus' pantyhose, I really hate it when he's angry at me. And I know he is, after all those filthy looks he was giving me on Tuesday night, and today, and what with the whole ignorez-vousing routine, I might cry.

One minute later

It actually makes me feel really awful.

One minute later

Oh well, it's always good to know you have a conscience. After what I did to Dave, I'd been vair worried it had gone walkabouts in Alaska.

Fifteen minutes later

Hang on!

One minute later

Why, in the name of Our Lord Sandra and his lipstick fetish, is Masimo _always _the last person I think of in these situations!

Merde.

Saturday

12.28pm

Great, I have been kindly reeled into a "family day". I laughed kindly when Mutti mentioned it for a 3rd time but she threatened to skip on the spendoolies for the shopping trip me and the Ace Gang have lined up this week and I really do need a new nunga holder. And some heels, as I'm running a bit low.

One minute later

Not as in the bottom of my foot, as that would be très silly and also slightly worrying. I mean, some Sex-Kitty-esque high heels, because, as everyone knows, the Italians luuurve footwear.

One minute later

And I luuurve my Italian boyfriend.

Who I might ring today, just to check how he's doing, y'know, sipping Italian coffee, hanging with his gorgey mates.

One minute later

Seeing as the Ace Gang are all busy, I had to give in to Mutti. As you know, I don't deal with pressure very well (oo-er).

2.38pm

Oh great, Libs has bounded into my room with Angus in her hands, who is angry and hissing because she squeezed him into her baby bonnet.

One minute later

He looks quite sweet actually.

Two minutes later

Buggering hell, scrap that!

I reached out to stroke him but our feline fiend scratched me! In the name of heavens and above it hurts like billio! Quite literally in the Valley of Aggers and beyond!

One minute later

Sneaky Angus used this diversion to claw his way out of Libby's grip - which is quite something – and she was yelling "Jesus Christ, bad boy! Get your arse back in here!" Blessed are we with a Vati who swears like a mongoose, because now Libby is putting that Osborne fellow to shame.

I was going to suggest throwing a brick at the half-Scottish wild cat but Bibs was already out the door after his tail.

One minute later

Poor Angus.

Three minutes later

Ah well, all the more peace and relaxy time for me. I might settle down for a little snooze…

One minute later

No such luck.

"Geeeeeeorgia!" Uncle Eddy ran into my room and all he was wearing was a pair of _really_ tight leather shorts. I kid you not, everything was, quite literally, on display. It took a lot of effort not to die right there and then, on the spot.

This most definitely counts as child abuse.

One minute later

Oh what larks my Vati has just joined his idiotic brother and he is not dressed much better, in this bright pink apron that has "Caution – heavy load!" across the nunga area.

I despair for their sanity.

Two minutes later

Thankfully, Vati hasn't come up here for a chat, and he pulled my bald uncle away whilst saying "Haha, don't waste your tricks on Gee, Connie and the girls have been hankering after you all week, my man. And bloody hell did you see the size of that Lydia's knockers?!"

Erlack!

One minute later

DOUBLE erlack with KNOBS!

Vati and Uncle Eddy left me in peace, but whilst they were walking down the hallway I could see Vati's big, huge, hairy, absolutely_ disgusting_ dèrriere!

One minute later

I think I might be sick!

Two minutes later

I think I need counselling, for that matter.

One minute later

If this is what they mean by a "family day" then, frankly, I don't want to know.

Two minutes later

I cannot get the image of Vati's horrible botty out of my brain. I feel sick and violated. Maybe this is one of those horrific experiences that scars you for life, and you literally stop growing, because you're in such shock. Slim was telling us about it once in assembly.

One minute later

Well, I don't actually need to grow any more, really.

I don't want to turn out like Mutti, after all.

Fifteen minutes later

Perhaps if I saw a _lot_ of horrible things I will start to shrink?

Blimey I don't want to turn into a little dwarf. And what if my nunga's don't shrink with the rest of my body? Then I will be 2ft tall with "knockers" the size of Canterbury.

Dave the Laugh would have a field day.

One minute later

Get out of my brain Dave the Laugh!

Two minutes later

He'd say "They are now quite literally knobs for me to pick you up with, Gee" and go off laughing.

One minute later

Out of brain, out of brain!

Three minutes later

I'd have to have a little moving shelf for them, so I don't topple over. Like, a Zimmerframe, but it would, obviously, be called a Nungaframe.

Two minutes later

I am being ridulcous.

One minute later

Of course my nungas would shrink with the rest of my body.


	13. Mad Catsss

5.45pm

The question is, do I dare go downstairs?

Five minutes later

I made it to the top of the staircase but then I heard some lady squeals, and an Uncle Eddy "You like that then, ladeeez?" and some more lady squeals, and I had to run back to my bedroom.

One minute later

I definitely feel violated now.

6pm

Uncle Eddy has finally looned off, taking Mum's giggly friends with him, which isn't even worth thinking about.

One minute later

I reckon it's all clear downstairs. And I am pretty hungry.

Two minutes later

Oh boy did I think wrong.

I accidentally walked into the living room, like any normal person should be able to do, and there was Mutti and Vati doing Number 6 on the sofa! Erlack!

One minute later

And right in front of Libby! No wonder she is mentally challenged and also a permanent resident of Abnormal City.

Crikey, if I stopped growing now, it wouldn't be much of a problem, but after all the horrific things Bibs has seen, she is well on her way to staying 3ft pretty much all her life.

One minute later

I need to lie down.

9pm

In bed

I have decided to write a list of everything that is wrong in my life.

1. I have a prostitute for a mother, a Hitler descendant who favours leather and crappy Robin Reliant's for a father, a half-naked bald egg for an uncle, and a crazy lunatic for a sister.

2. I have accidentally cheated on my Luuurve God-esque type boyfriend (more than once).

3. I am considering dumping my Luuuurve God-esque type boyfriend for the bloke I was cheating on him with.

4. The bloke I was cheating on him with hates me because I accidentally rejected him.

5. The bloke I was cheating on him with may well have slept with his prettier-and-slimmer-and-generally-better-at-me-at-everything-type girlfriend and okay I'm an insy bit jealous.

6. I think I might love him and not my Luuurve God-esque type boyfriend.

7. My hair is the original birds nest and I'm too ugly to be seen in public.

I have only just noticed number 7, actually, but blimey, no wonder Angus scratched me. I look like I'm an electrocuted version of Nauseating P. Green!

One minute later

Actually, that might be taking it too far.

Ten minutes later

I really hate life.

Two minutes later

Even the thought of a lesbian nun convent for an alternative doesn't cheer me up.

One minute later

But then again, why would it?

9.26pm

Blimey, Gordy just ran into my room, being chased by Angus, and he jumped onto my bed and then right out of the window into mid-air! Good grief!

Angus just stayed at the doorway, all smug-looking. Tough love, I get it.

One minute later

Hanging out the window

Gordy is having a brillopads time outside, hanging onto the tree and pretending to fall and then catching himself again, most definitely looking like the cross-eyed furry freak he is. He made a face at me and then, obviously not having enough fun trying to accidentally kill himself, scampered down the tree and disappeared into the garden.

Which is when I noticed Dave, who was standing by the garden wall and staring up at me.

One minute later

Oh merde oh merde, I am not, as such, in my tip-top pulling outfit. Eg, the electrocuted P. Green look, and Teletubbies PJ's (top marks for comfortnosity though).

One minute later

He hasn't said anything, he is just staring up at me. No wonder, I do look really really ugly. He is probably asking himself why he ever wanted me to be his One and Only.

One minute later

Its really quite freaky.

Blimey, I wonder how long he's been there for?

"Er…morning…" Oh brilliant. Fool of the first waters and beyond. All attempts at glacialosity have just been thrown out the window.

"Yeah, hi." Dave said back, all cool and sophis. Christ he's much better at me at this glacial routine. And he isn't even trying.

God help me.

One minute later

Just as I was trying to think of something cool and interesting to say ( i.e., not 'Nice night, isn't it?' or 'Have you seen my cat? He jumped out of the tree just now and he's cross-eyed and freaky') Dave decided now was the best time to up and leave! He didn't even say bye or anything, he just mooched off!

Fine then!

I can deal with that.

After all, I don't stand outside people's houses and stare into their open windows.

I must admit I nearly had a nervy b and fell out of the window when I saw him. It was really weird. And he never smiled.

Two minutes later

All snugly in bed but plagued by the Bubonic Worry Wart

I have come to the conclusion that if Dave is going to act like the ultimate prat I might as well try and work things with Masimo. Who knows, maybe this is a life-saving moment but I just don't realise. Like, Masimo really is my genuine One and Only, but Dave Spawn of the Devil has been confusing me, and is trying to make me think I want him rather than Masimo, and I've been all 'should I shouldn't I?' but even though I did everything still didn't turn out marvy so, obviously, Masimo is my real genuine equine.

Five minutes later

Yep, that's got to be it.

One minute later

Thank Buddha I'm not as dim as Ellen and it didn't take me a decade to realise that. Because, as we all know, world-renowned blustering idiots may very well take a decade just to realise they are alive.

One minute later

Thank Buddha I am not Ellen, come to that.

Two minutes later

Oh, and thankyou God, and Baby Jesus. I wasn't ignorez-vousing you, but Budda has been gathering dust lately, so to speak.

I love you all equally.

One minute later

Please, don't fight over my affections. That has already ruined my life enough, Thankyou very much.

One minute later

Hang on, I bet you're all laughing, in your little heavens, and Buddha-Boudoir's, as you smite me and Dave and Masimo.

Five minutes later

Not that Masimo knows he is being smited.

One minute later

And he never will.

One minute later

Hopefully.

Two minutes later

That is the plan.

Sunday 13th August

Another boring day holed in. I asked Mutti for five squids for spendoolies but she just said "Today is family day, you're not going out."

"Silly Mutti, _yesterday_ was Family Day. Now, please may I have my five squids and I'll be off." I said, in what I like to think was a kind and full of appreciate-nosity voice.

"Georgia don't be ridiculous. Yesterday we had Uncle Eddy and the girls over. How is that a family day?"

"Exactly what I was thinking Mutti. Especially with you and the Portly One snogging on the sofa again in the evening. I hope you realise that should be made illegal, at least when me and Bibs are in the house, because we could be scarred for life." And I explained my stunted growth routine to her.

Mum got in a huge strop then and said I was a horrible, selfish girl, and to go to my room. But she called me downstairs five minutes later to play Monopoly with her, Vati, and Libby.

I asked her if that's her idea of a family day, and she sent me back to my room.

I was just asking a polite question, and what do I get in return? Rudeness. Sometimes its like my family are tuned in to Radio Jas.

10 minutes later

"Georgia, get your arse down here!"

I would ask Vati to kindly stop taking my derrière's name in vain, especially as his is nothing to be proud of, but I really wanted that spending money, so I trotted down like a good girl. Hawkeye would have had a hernia.

"Oui?" I half-expected him to bring out the whip but instead he just said there was someone on the phone for me.

Oh, that's strange. I actually have friends.

"And don't spending forever and a day talking about lipstick and 'mass-a-ra', or whatever you call it, with your mates, because I refuse to pay the phone bill if …"

Oh rave on El Beardo.

It's mascara.

One minute later

"Georgia, my beautiful!" Oh blimey. Its Masimo. And I look like a drowned rat.

But for once I don't care. Because I just feel so awful about the whole Dave the Laugh situation.

"Oh, Masimo…" In the name of Slim's outlandish pyjamas, I could definitely win the Universal Twit award. Since when did talking to a Luuurve God become uninteresting? I sound like I have just walked into the Bummer twins. Right, start again, coolnosity but also excited-at-talking-to-my-boyfriend personified. "Ciao! It is _great_ to, er, y'know, hear you…how is your Italia land?"

Lacking in style, but the dog will take the bone, as Billy Shakespeare might have once said.

And the dog did take the bone. I.e. Masimo chuckled, and I had a mini jelloid moment. Crikey, he is so sexy, even on the phone.

"Bellisima, Italia is beautiful. I love my land. So you come soon? Because my beautiful Georgia I love to show you my homeland."

Merde and beyond! I had totally forgotten about the trip to Italy. I really am the crappest girlfriend ever!

But he can show me his homeland any time he wants (oo-er).

"Er, oui, I mean, sì…but, er, about that…" Crikey, how could I say no to Mr. Sex-on-Legs?

"You don't want to come?"

"No, of course I want to come! Sì, sì…très bon…no, I just mean my parents are being a bit Hitler-esque and saying I can't go, something silly about price, or expenses, er, crappy stuff like that."

"But Miss Georgia, you must meet my family!" Masimo said, all concerned. Oh stop making me feel so bad!

Then there was a bit of a kerfuffle on his side, and some rapido Pizza-a-gogo talk. It sounded very much like he was arguing with someone, and that someone sounded very much like woman.

Oh my God, what if it was his Georgina or whoever than ex-girlfriend was? Whatif she's the Italian Wet Lindsay and is trying to steal my boyfriend?!

"Signorina Georgia?" Bloody hell, I nearly dropped the phone! I hope to God that wasn't Masimo's Italian Wet Lindsay because whoever it was had a very deep voice and sounded quite a lot like Billy Goats Gruff and his motley crew!

"Er…sì…Georgia…that's me…" Full of casualosity, obvs. Pretending I hadn't jumped a foot into the air, and all the while letting my heart get back to normal pace. Who, in the name of Jas's mahoosive pantaloons, was I talking to?

"I am Signora Scarlotti, Masimo, how you say, mother."

!!

I am speaking to Masimo's Mutti. His MUTTI. Good heavens and lords above she sounded like a pitbull. How could someone so mad-sounding produce a Luuurve God like him?!

"Ah…I see…"

"I like to see you Signorina Georgia." She said, in this really thick, man-sounding accent that I could barely understand. I could also hear Masimo complaining in the background. Wow, he is normal after all.

"Er, sì, I am just getting the money…"

"No, I come to see you. Me and my son come to England now. He tell me you bad to come here so I come to you."

Five minutes later

The nub and gist of the wheel is that Masimo and his Mutti are coming over in two weeks, and she will go back after a week and he will stay here.

I very quite nearly had a heart attack.

Apparently he doesn't mind cutting his trip short, because he can fit everything else he wanted to do into those last 2 weeks, and he really really wants me to meet his mum. He is also sorry I could not meet his Vati.

7pm

Hyperventilating in Boudoir of Shock

Well, this is a, um, turn of events.

**Bit of a boring, quick chappy but it's a filler-y type frill so hey!! R&R pliz**


	14. Beaten by the Ugly Stick

Monday 14th August

Ace Gang meeting in Luigi's

2pm

"So the Italian Stallion's Mutti is coming to England? Just to see you?" Mabs said, and I nodded wisely.

"Wow, Rollo's never invited me to meet his parents. Sounds proper serious with knobs." Jools said, and I nodded wisely.

"She sounds mad." Rosie said, and I nodded wisely.

"Almost as mad as you." Jas said, and I hit her.

I'd split all and sundry to the Ace Gang vis-à-vis the Italian Situation. They were, to put it lightly, amazed. Even Ellen had something sensible to say.

"But what about Dave?" Whoops, I lie. About as sensible as hitting a blind donkey with a plastic leg. But, unfortunately, everyone stared at me after that, instead of sensibly ignoring her, like usual. Bugger.

"I, er, don't know what you mean." I said, full of casualosity and sophisticatedness.

"Georgia, at Rosie's party, you were crying in the toilets and saying you'd never go out again because your life was ruined." Cheers, Jas. I'd just about forgotten that.

"Well, actually, me and Dave are tip top now. We've sorted everything out and everything is groovy." Ooh, what a stinker. But at least it got them off my case.

"So what are you going to say to Masimo's Mutti?" Mabs said and I admit I was stumped. But Jas jumped in before I had a chance.

"Well, haha, you're obviously going to want to take some lessons in being normal, haha, so you don't scare her off." Oh, bloody hilarious.

Two minutes later

Hahahahahaha.

To pay back Jazzy Spazzy for her ultra moments of nastiness I threw my glass of water at her. Her impersonation of a goldfish went down particularly well.

"Georgia you are so immature and childish!" She spluttered like a loon, which just made me laugh even more. Oh what larks! She is such a drama queen though, she's barely even wet. But she does, haha, look like she's had an Elderly Loon moment, which is mega bucks in the hilariousnosity stakes.

One minute later

On the upside, she is ignoring me now.

Mooching round town

Mooching round town, all linky arms. Jas refused to go next to me which means she had to go on the end, like the Huffy Knickers she is. Hilarious.

Ten minutes later

Oh brilliant, we have just, quite literally, bumped into Wet Lindsay and Astonishingly Dim Monica.

We were all doing comedy hunchback impressions when we accidentally walked into her, and she had a bit of nervy spaz.

"Honestly, you lot are just so pathetic and immature." She sneered. Oh rave on Stick Insect of the Month. Then she turned to me. "God, I wonder when Masimo will get sick of your childish antics?" And then she did a really crap fake giggle, like the ones they do in an American high school movie, and the blonde 'queen bee' is having a right old bitch sesh. Anyway, it was really naff. "Oh, that's right, he already has. You can say goodbye to your boyfriend, Nicolson, because he is so crawling back to me."

What fresh hell?!

"So you and your loser mates-"

"VET LINDSAY!" Rosie yelled really loudly, making everyone jump. Old Thongy just looked at Rosie like she was a pile of poo. Actually, a poo that had a beard on, because Rosie had donned the theatrical fur again. "Vet Lindsay," RoRo continued, in this very crap German accent that was tip top hilarious. "Eet appears dat you haf lost your vore'ead." And then she whipped off her beard and handed it to Lindsay. "But I haf found eet! Gutten luck to you in life, thong-devotee of old!"

Five minutes later

Crikey, it was bloody marvy! I think I've finally stopped laughing…

One minute later

No, I have now.

Ten minutes later

Absolutely tip top comedic value all round! Wet Lindsay just stood there with the beard in her hand, gawping like the ultimate prat, whilst we all laughed like loons on loon tablets. Then she threw the beard on the floor and slimed off in a strop. Which just made it even funnier.

Rosie ran after, waving the beard, yelling "Your forehead, your forehead!" until Wet Lindsay threatened to strangle her. Rosie asked, really innocently, "What, with your extensions?" and Old Thong Meister went this really funny shade of red before storming off, with ADM running after her in a really pathetico way.

So all round, hilarious fun!

One minute later

But what did she mean, Masimo is crawling back to her?

Two minutes later

Crikey, I'm a bit scared now.

One minute later

No, obviously she is making it up. I mean, he is bringing his Mutti to come and see me! And you do not do that if you are 'crawling back' to a Stick Insect.

One minute later

Buggering marsupials I should have told her Masimo was bringing Signora Scarlotti to see me.

3.37pm

Oh what larks, can this day get any better?

One minute later

I don't know is the answer. Because Dave and Emma came right out of the park just as we were passing. Oh McCrappy with knobs. I could tell the whole Ace Gang was doing bulgy-eyes at me, after the whole 'Me and Dave are _cool'_ fiasco. Marvy.

Not.

One minute later

Emma was just giving me really crap evils, it honestly looks like she has a squint. I would laugh but I don't think its quite appropriate.

"Alright." Dave mumbled, all shuffly, and he reminded me of Mark Big Gob again! But this time when he came to apologise, after Dave had duffed him up.

Blimey, that was ages ago.

One minute later

When he still liked me.

Three minutes later

Dave and Emma mooched off, hand in hand, but this time they looked more couple-y. Poo.

One minute later

Just before they turned the corner I saw Dave whisper something into Emma's ear, and then he kissed her on the cheek. Then he looked back at me and saw me watching them. Oh God.

He sort of smiled, but not really – it was a sort of sad smile – and then they disappeared.

One minute later

What does that mean?!

One minute later

"So much for you and Dave being all 'groovy'." Jas said unkindly, which I didn't think was very nice, but I didn't have the energy to hit her. But she'd forgotten all about her ignorez-vousing routine so ha, une point to moi.

One minute later

After that run-in with Dave and Emma I feel a bit mizz.

Three minutes later

The rest of the Ace Gang went their own way so it was just me and Jas walking on our own. Oh, this is going to be great fun.

"You know, you were really horrible to me today Georgia." Miss Huffy Knickers broke the silence. A little hypocritical, to say the least. "I'm still wet in some places." Erlack, no thanks!

"I'm very sorry Jazzy. But you did say some very hurtful things." Haha. Touché, Oh Great Knickered One.

"I was just trying to help you." She seemed genuinely surprised, what a twit.

"Well, what about at Rosie's party? You broke the Number One Ace Gang Rule, never ditch a friend in need for a boyfriend indeed." Top marks on the improvisation side of things.

"You just made that up." Jas said crossly.

"Still, you ditched me for your boyfriend. I did not feel, as such, very loved. And you didn't even try and make me feel better when I was upset, which isn't very besty pally like." I said, in my best Hawkeye impression. But what larks it actually worked!

"I guess I did act sort of wrong…okay…" She said, in a quiet mousey voice. Haha.

"I'll only forgive you if you say 'I love you Georgia Nicolson, my absolute besty, and I will never ditch for you any boyfriend ever again." Teehee, I am very good at cheering myself up in such desperate times.

"But-"

"Say it!"

Jas looked really awkward, haha. That will teach her!

"Don't you love me Jazzy Spazzy?"

"Don't call me that."

"Fine. Don't you love me Po?"

"Yes but-"

"Then say it. It's the only road to forgiveness."

Jas sighed.

"I love you Georgia Nicolson, my absolute besty, and I will never ditch you for any boyfriend again." She mumbled, all awkward and the like.

Oh I am comedy genius!

8pm

Jas' bedroom, being stared at my freaky stuffed owls

Snuggled up in Jas' bed with hot choccy and biscuits (from her normal Mutti, who had them set out when we get back – now that's parenting) and various owls.

I have to admit, it is quite good to besties with Jas again.

"So what's _really_ going on with you and Dave the Laugh then?" She asked. Ooh, touchy territory. But she did prove her besty pally-ness (eventually) so I suppose it is my turn, and I do owe her.

"Well…"

Ten minutes later

Telling Jas everything

"…and now he's in a mega huff with me."

Jas looked like a lorry could fit through her mouth.

"You went to Number 8…with Dave…?" She said, and I could tell she was trying really hard not to have an absolutely nervy b. Even though, really, it's none of her business.

"Er, yeah." I said.

"As in, upper body fondling?" Jas' eyes drifted to my nungas (not as in her actual eyeballs, otherwise that would be, like, magnetic nungas, which would be mega comedic value but also slightly worrying) and I could tell exactly what she was thinking. I.e. 'Cor, he obviously copped a feel and a half from those jugs!'

"Stop perving Jas, you have your own." I said, quite truthfully. Jazzy Spazzy looked all embarrassed and it serves her right.

"But seeing as we're on the Snogging Scale, my petit pally, how far have you and Tom notched up to?"

Five minutes later

Interesting development on the Po and Hunky front. They've ventured into the Valley of Number 7 and apparently Tom is 'happy to take it further' but doesn't want to rush Jas into anything!

Well knock me over with a feather.

One minute later

Jas is worried about how far is respectable. Oh rave on Vole Bride.

One minute later

"I just don't want to anyone to think I'm a tart or anything." She said. That is laughable, that is. As if Jas could ever be called a tart.

But I didn't tell her that.

Ten minutes later

Somehow we have moved onto Robbie.

It's really weird how I don't get the jelloids anymore when I think about him.

"Tom said Robbie is thinking of moving out to New Zealand permanently." Jas said, painting her toenails this really ugly shade of orange. It looked like a mutilated version of Bibs' old friend Mr Cheese or whatever it was called.

"That sounds great for him." Jas looked up, all surprised and whatsit.

"Don't you care?" She blinked, looking a lot like Ellen. I swear sometimes they could be related.

"Of course I care Jas. But only as a friendy." I said pointedly and, amazingly, she realized we were in potential duffing up territory. Maybe her and Ellen aren't related after all. Although it is not normal for either of them to take a hint, even if you stick it in a microphone and put it on the news.

11.52pm

Jas' mum came up to check if we were all 'tucked up alright', and if we needed any more milky-pops.

And then she left.

One minute later

Amazing!

Wednesday 16th August

1.28pm

1 week and 4 days until Masimo and his Mutti land in Billy Shakespeare land. Blimey, I have to be a good ambassador for my country.

Two minutes later

Which means no chance of his Mutti meeting mine. Or my Vati.

One minute later

Especially not Vati.

One minute later

I know, I will pretend to be an orphan. If anything, it will make her pity me and like me.

And it can be my excuse for saying silly things, because that is bound to happen.

Five minutes later

Or perhaps she will think I am a mad nutcase who has rabies and refuse to let Masimo see me.

One minute later

She did seem quite Hitler-esque on the phone.

Two minutes later

Hmmm, what to wear when they land? Because Masimo asked me to be there at the airport Sunday afternoon.

One minute later

As everyone knows, the Italians are at the top of the fashion parade mountain, and also, often the Wet Lindsay's of the clothing world.

One minute later

Therefore, I must dress to impress.

Two minutes later

So, some snazzy footwear.

Leather knee-high boots?

Three minutes later

Oh my giddy God, they would look amazing with my slinky jeans and that black top I got ages ago. It's so nice; basically it's a clingy vest top but because its black, it doesn't emphasise my nungas so much, and has really pretty stitching.

Five minutes later

I have the outfit on and I look the definition of sophis. Add some Sex-Kitty-esque make up, put rollers in her, and I'll look stupéfier! Or, as our beloved Italian friends would say, stupore!

One minute later

Stupore, stupore!

One minute later

I just sound like I am saying 'stupor, stupor' as in 'I am in a stupor!' which is majorly mad, bad, and potentially…stupid.

Ten minutes later

Buggeration I have no jacket to wear!

Three minutes later

Ah, but Mutti has. Its this really nice leather jacket, and will deffo go perfectly.

One minute later

Eureka!

One minute later

Although I do look a bit black, with a hint of black, and leather.

One minute later

I'll change the top.

One minute later

Sophis V-neck that is sort of 'deep plum purple'?

One minute later

No no, my nungas look like Mountain Everest sticking out horizontal!

Why an earth did I buy a top like that?!

It is so going in the bin.

Two minutes later

Hang on, if it goes in the bin, Mutti might find, and start wearing it, and we don't want that.

One minute later

I'll give it to Gordy later. Or Angus. Or both.

Ten minutes later

I could change the boots?

No no! They are Sex-Kitty personified!

Alright, erm, how about the slightly frilly cream top?

One minute later

Hmmm, that doesn't look too bad…

One minute later

It's not too frilly, but looks absolutely marvy with the leather, it really looks gorgy.

One minute later

Yay, my outfit is actually sorted!

3.51pm

Went downstairs and had to do a double take, because Mutti was actually in the kitchen, with a frying pan, in her hand.

One minute later

I don't mean she was using it, or anything ridiculous like that, but she looked like she might be about to. And there was a packet of bacon on the side.

Oh God help us all.

One minute later

Sneaky sneaky out the room, she won't notice me because she's staring at the thing like it's a very mad…thing.

"Oh, Gee, is that you? Come in here a minute, sweetie."

Damn, she spotted me.

One minute later

Trudged into the kitchen. Things could only get worse.

She thrust the frying pan into my hands and said "Gee, how the hell do you turn this bloody thing on?"

4.28pm

Walking to the Clock Tower to meet Rosie

RoRo called soon after the frying pan incident and told me to meet her by the Clock Tower at half four. It was all very mysterious because she didn't say anything else, but just clicked off. Hmmm…

Two minutes later

Hiding in a bush

Hiding in a bush from Mark Big Gob and Blunder Boys. Thankfully I spotted them before they spotted me but unfortunately they decided to stop right by my bush for a quick fag, so I couldn't exactly escape. Cheers.

"So how's it going with you and that Sarah bird?" Mark asked one of his lardy mates, who hadn't just encountered the ugly stick, but been severely beaten with it at birth.

"Yeah, she's well up for it-" The boy coughed, after his first drag on the cigarette. Oh God what a loser. "And, y'know, she's like proper –cough- asking for it and –cough- everything. Like, practically on –cough- top of me, y'know, and everything."

They all slapped him on the back, which made him cough even more, and went "Well done my son!" and "Get in there!"

One minute later

What absolute prats of the first waters.

Five minutes later

Yawn, do they ever get bored of this? They are sooo obsessed with sex. I mean, I thought they just had a general, perhaps unhealthy interest. But no.

One minute later

Definitely not.

Two minutes later

This is worse than any Uncle Eddy Bald-o-gram fiasco, for sure.

One minute later

Poo, Rosie will be wondering where I am. If my Elderly Loons just let me have a mobile like any normal person I would be able to very quietly text her to say I am being hindered by Blunder Boys.

One minute later

Oh blimey.

Dave the Laugh has just appeared.

Thank God he can't see me.

"Alright Marky?" Dave said, sort of laughing, and you could tell 'Marky' didn't know whether to be all matey with him, after the whole shoving about thing before, or to be all cool and 'whatever', seeing as he was with his mates.

"Yeah, you?" He grunted, and Dave was practically wetting himself.

"I'm tip-top thanks." But he didn't sound it.

"So what's doing down with you and that Georgia chick?" Mark said suddenly, and I nearly fell over.

That Georgia chick?!

What does he know about me and Dave?!

"What do you mean?" Dave said, all sort of warning-y and Mark probably should have taken a hint. But he is as blind as a bat, and also stupider.

"I thought you two were, y'know, getting it on." Mark said, the dim twit. "Mind you, it's not that hard, 'cos, haha, I mean, she's pretty easy, haha." And he sniggered.

_Easy?!_

Two minutes later

Whoops, wrong thing to say apparently. Dave punched Mark in the nose and told them all to run along.

And they did.

Then he leant down into the bush and said to me "You're really crap at hiding Georgia."


	15. A Curious Kittykat

Wednesday 16th August

4.36pm

Apparently Dave could see me all along, and it's a wonder Blunder Boys didn't spot me as well.

"So what were you doing down there, Gee?" He said, all casual. As if he hadn't been ignoring me for the past forever.

"Er…hiding." I mumbled, and Dave laughed. God, it was so good to hear him laugh again. And to see him smile. And for him not to be ignorez-vousing me.

But still, something's not quite right.

One minute later

We were just mooching along, just chatting, like we used to, when he suddenly stopped, and I thought he was going to snog me, like he used to.

But he didn't.

Which to be honest is a bit of a shame because my lips had mega puckered up.

"Listen, Gee. I'm sorry I've been all of with you and that, but…well, you know I'm with Emma now, and, we're really trying to make a go of things." He said, all shuffly and awkward and being Dave the UnLaugh again. Merde. "So…me and you, y'know…we're just mates, alright? I mean, no more Tickly Bears or Kittykat business anymore…"

One minute later

_What_?!

One minute later

That is Secret Dave Code for no more secret snogs in the bushes and a big full stop to tip-top jelloidnosity!

Two minutes later

But that is the whole point of Dave the Laugh! If he's not being a cheeky cat and all flirty then…blimey…

One minute later

Anchor is definitely dropping in Poo Bay.

Two minutes later

No, no, no it's not! Because I am a full-time devotee to Masimo my _boyfriend_ and it's just super-great to be mates with Dave the Laugh again.

And that's not even a lie because I would prefer to be his mate than no mate.

"Er…yeah, that sounds…wizard…" Oh crikey, top award for Dithering Act of the Nation goes to, surprise surprise, Georgia Nicolson. Ellen Whatsit unfortunately lost her ten year reign to her Ace Gang besty which was somewhat of a surprise-

Ooooooh shut up brain!

One minute later

This emotional work is tiring, snog me already!

One minute later

I mean, down snogs! Behind thy…plate…

"So you're alright with that?" Dave said, sort of smiley, and I had a bit of melty knees. I nodded like one of those nodding dogs in a car and he gave me a funny look but then he bent down and kissed me on the cheek and said "S'later Kitty- er, Gee…" And we both had a bit of a mini nervy spaz and then he walked off.

One minute later

Blimey.

Three minutes later

Don't even get me started on the 'S'later' business. That just does my head in.

One minute later

I guess it's all, y'know, great and everything that we're friends. I mean, at least he's not ignoring me.

But…I can't help feeling like a massive piece of Scheisse.

I don't know why.

Five minutes later

Crikey and heaven's above I'm half an hour late for RoRo!

Running to Clock Tower

Christ, running is definitely not the sport invented for me, pant pant.

One minute later

Pant pant, must run, don't think of Dave the Laugh, pant pant.

Two minutes later

I can just imagine him looking at my nungas in that naughty way he has and saying "You should run more often Gee" with a Hornmeister wink.

Two minutes later

Oh. No, he wouldn't say that, not any more. Now it's Dave the Serious, who's all sombre at dawn and fishcakes and everything, and really un-rudey dudey because he's with Emma and, y'know, they're trying to make a go of things. Which is great because-

What in the name of Slim's giganticus arse is THAT?!

Back home

8.37pm

As it turns out, Rosie didn't mind me turning up late.

To her and Sven's practice wedding.

Two minutes later

What I had seen, mid-run, was a bright green flamingo outfit, with Sven's mad face poking out of it, and a foot-high mohican dyed pink. Bright pink.

One minute later

Rosie wasn't any better, in her mad, furry Viking outfit, and those ridiculous hairy boots.

I very quite nearly had a heart attack.

I was about to quietly slip off because, to be honest, I didn't want to be seen with a flamingo and his hairy fiancé, and also I really wasn't feeling up to their mad antics after that run-in with Dave the Laugh, but Rosie spotted me before I had the chance.

"Gee, you're finally here!" She screeched, and her and Sven ran towards me like an elephant to a peanut.

One minute later

The only thing to do, when a 6ft Viking dressed up as a fluorescent green flamingo is sprinting towards you looking crazy and very mad, is to run.

One minute later

And run I did.

Two minutes later

Sven, with Rosie on his back yelling at us both like Boudica or whatever that Scottish whatsit was called, had nearly caught up with me, but then he spotted something – probably a dog bone – down another street and despite Rosie hitting him with her boot, he chased after it. Leaving me, free from their nutty parade.

Bloody hell.

I ran the rest of the way home, not even caring about any potential nunga-overspillage action. Oscar No Mates was playing kicky uppy in his front garden but he stopped when he saw me.

"I could teach those two ladies a thing or two about control, if you like." He smirked, looking right at my nungas. Erlack! He is obviously a Mark Big Gob protégé or whatever, it really is disgusting. And they are both fascinated by my nungas. Ergh.

"Oscar, you are 12. Go and snog my cat." Haha.

Touché.

On the phone to RoRo

"But why did you run-off like that Gee? Me and Sven wanted you to be the ring-bearer." Rosie said down the blower.

"Rosie, a flamingo costume, a bright green flamingo costume with a pink mohican and his bonkers Viking girlfriend were running after me like loons." I said, in my kindest voice.

"Oh, yeah." Rosie sounded like she actually understood. What has she been eating? "I guess it could have been quite scary."

"Oui, ma petite Viking."

"But what made you so late?"

"I was hiding from Mark Big Gob and his mates."

"Ah non!"

"Oui. And then Dave came along and duffed Mark up."

"Pourqoi?"

"Because Mark said I was 'easy'."

"Non!"

"Mais oui. So he sent them all on their way and then he looked into the bush where I was and said 'You're really crap at hiding Georgia'."

"How did he know you were there?"

"Apparently I was in a really rubbish hiding place and he could see me all along."

"So why didn't Mark see you?"

"He is as thick as Ellen. Thicker."

"Naturellement. So what happened next?"

"He said he was sorry for ignorez-vousing me and he's trying to make things work with Emma."

"So it's official."

"Exactement."

"Ouch."

"Exactement."

My Room/Boudoir of Confusiosity

8pm

I have most definitely finished my gentle trek in the Valley of the Lighty Confused and full entered the Realms of What In The Name of Slim's Outsized Pyjamas Am I Going To Do??

Ten minutes later

No, actually, I know what I am going to do.

One minute later

Dave is working things out with Emma, so I will do the same with Masimo. That is le fact de la vie.

One minute later

Crikey, talking of Masimo, it is only 11 days until he touches down with his Mutti! Gadzooks.

How can I be Masimo's one and only if I'm getting all upset over Dave the Laugh?

Two minutes later

Ah, but I'm not. The Cake Shop of Aggers has strictly barred me from the shop because I am eating all the cakes and there are not many left for the rest of the customers.

Which must mean I am being silly over Dave and must stick to my one Masimo cakey and be happy and full of pleasednosity about that.

One minute later

Dave the Laugh is yesterday's…camel.

Merde.

Five minutes later

But in all seriousosity, I am leaving Dave behind. He is last week's snog and Number 8 (merde, forgotten about that!) and I am moving on and up!

One minute later

I cannot believe he and Emma might have…y'know…done it.

One minute later

I have to know if they did.

One minute later

Even though it's none of my business.

8.42pm

But I can't just leave it like that. Emma has included me now. And I'm just being a friend, looking out for them both.

Oh, who am I kidding.

Three minutes later

Dave would see right through, even in my best, full-of-casualosity-and-just-wondering routine.

He'd probably say something like "Why do you ask Sex Kitty? Are you offering? Well I am free all tomorrow."

Two minutes later

Whoops, no he wouldn't.

One minute later

He's probably only with her to make me jealous and all huffy, just because I accidentally rejected him.

One minute later

Well, it's not working. Ha, as if!

I am not as 'easy' as Mark Big Gob says I am, Oh Laughing One! My nungas are girdled and I am a full devotee to my Luuurve God and all time boyfriend Masimo.

One minute later

I could casually ask Jas, who casually ask Tom, who could casually ask Dave…

Who could casually tell Tom, who could casually tell Jas, who could casually tell me…

By which time the wolves in Tibet would have heard about it, via Radio Jas.

Two minutes later

In a swamp of sheer desperadoes here!

One minute later

"Gingey Gingey it's me!" Libs burst into my room, waving a lethal, new and improved version of Our Lord Sandra in my face.

One minute later

She has stuck him to a fork.

One minute later

Which is odd, because I wasn't aware we had any.

One minute later

First the frying pan, and now cutlery! Something is definitely up with Mutti.

One minute later

Say hello to Rocketman Gingey!" Bibs smiled at me in that mad way that she thinks is really attractive.

½ second later

It isn't.

Two minutes later

It turns out Our Lord Sandra is no more.

He is Rocketman.

One minute later

"He can do ticks!" Libby said. Aaaaw.

One minute later

Buggering hell!

One minute later

Turns out Rocketman's tricks involve beating my ear until its blue! I tried to make Libby stop but she just threatened me with the fork prongs!

I like to think she was joking.

Ten minutes later

Still vair vonfused vis-à-vis Dave the Laugh and co.

One minute later

Perhaps he is being the rubber band that Mutti's book 'Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus' waffles on about.

Five minutes later

Is he 'instinctively feeling an urge to pull away'?

To 'fulfil his need for independence'?

Two minutes later

No.

One minute later

Definitely not.

One minute later

Because he is with Emma now.

And I hurt him.

And accidentally said no to his camel.

One minute later

Even though I wanted to say yes.

One minute later

No no no that's not true! The only camel hump I want to board (oo-er) is Masimo's!

And that is le fact.

Now let's leave it there, and no more.

Fifteen minutes later

"Dave?"

"Georgia?"

One minute later

I am a bad Kittykat, I know.

But a curious Kittykat.

Miaow.

One minute later

Dave sounds like he is pretending to be unhappy that I phoned him, but secretly he is très delightedo.

Five minutes later

We are meeting for coffee tomorrow at 5 to 'properly' sort things out.

Oo-er.

Two minutes later

Which only gives me a day to plan my outfit.

One minute later

Blimey O'Reilly's undercrackers.

Two minutes later

"Jas?"

"Oui?"

"J'ai un dilemma of the big kind."

"What have you done now?"

That's not very nice.

"That's not very nice."

"Georgia, you are always the one that lands yourself into these problems. I'm just being realistic."

"Jas."

"What?"

"Shut up."

One minute later

"Jas?"

…

"Jas what are you doing?"

"Shutting up."

One minute later

Qu'est-ce que le point?

One minute later

"Jas I am meeting Dave tomorrow to sort things out properly."

"Do you want me to come along as well?"

"Why would I want that?"

"So you don't end up snogging him again."

She is soooo annoying. I swear her and Wet Lindsay have words.

One minute later

"Actually Jas, he is going out with Emma now."

Ergh, I can hear her sucking on her fringe.

"Since when has that stopped you?"

I put the phone down then.

6pm

Mutti crept into my room. I pretending to be asleep but she still sat down. Then she bent over to stroke my hair – why? – and I got a faceful of nunga! Erlack with knobs!

One minute later

I sat straight up like a jumping bean, which surprised her a bit. Well that will teach her to assault people with those beasts!

One minute later

Didn't Dave comment on her nungas once?

One minute later

Are you alright Gee?" Mutti said, looking concerned. Er, what? "You've been looking a bit mizz recently."

Well it's no surprise, what with my crappy life. Just as I finally get Masimo, Dave suddenly pops up and makes me go jelloid and then ruins everything!

One minute later

"Is it boy trouble?" Mutti said. Erlack, I do _not_ want to talk to you about boys! "Look, Gee, if it's about this trip to Italy, I'm sorry, but we just can't afford it."

Oh rave on Nunga Entrepreneur. That boat has already sailed and got blown over.

"I don't need to go to Italy any more, because Masimo is coming back in two weeks with his Mutti." Oh buggeration on high! I completely forgot I was supposed to keep Operation Italian Mutti secret. Now my own is going to have a field day.

"Ooh, to meet you?"

No, to fly an elephant.

Sometimes Mutti is sooo dim.

"Well blimey, we'll have to get you brushed up nicely! They are Italian, after all. Do you think you'll need some new clothes? I mean, you're representing the English nation. Perhaps some heels? You are running a bit low…"

Amazing!

Three minutes later

I showed Mutti my outfit (minus the leather jacket) and she said it looked tip top on the sophis side of things. And then she said what would make it even better was her leather jacket (!) and her Chanel handbag (!!)!

Five minutes later

I wonder if she has fever?

One minute later

Mind you, I can't ask her that, because any chance to visit Dr Clooney and she'll grab it like a biscuit.

Twenty minutes later

She is also helping me get an outfit ready for tomorrow. We have settled on:

Black trouser or jeans with flats (no heels, as there is no need for Sex Kitty-osity to be implied) and this gorgy top she had stashed down the bottom of her wardrobe. Basically its this marvy vest top that's all floral-y and floaty but definitely looks the bees knees.

Two minutes later

Crikey, this outfit looks amazing!

One minute later

I do love Mutti sometimes.

Bedroom

10pm

I am still a little confused over Dave and Masimo.

But tomorrow, me and Dave will hopefully sort everything out.

One minute later

Mind you, everytime we meet to 'sort things out' it just ends up in heavy snogging.

One minute later

Not this time it won't.

One minute later

Perhaps they could have a date-off?

One minute later

But that could end up not only with fisticuffs at dawn but also the non-existence of a boyfriend.

As Masimo is unaware of the whole Dave situation.

Five minutes later

Which is probably a good thing.

One minute later

Yes, it is.

Five minutes later

I can just imagine Dave and Masimo in a fisticuffs situation.

Dave would be yelling "Handbags at dawn, everybody! Hairbrushes at the ready!"

One minute later

He really is quite a laugh.

One minute later

God, life is so full of confusiosity.

Thursday 17th August

2 hours until Operation Dave

Crikey, what look am I going for?

One minute later

Which basically means, am I going for Masimo or Dave?

One minute later

Bloody marsupials I have already been through this. Masimo is the key to my heart, and so on. Forsooth and lack a day, as Old Bill would say.

And he is bringing his Mutti to come and see me.

One minute later

I really am a minx of the first waters.

½ hour later

Right, hair is in rollers for top-notch volume-nosity.

Five minutes later

Going for barely-there make-up, as I am leaving the Sex Kitty look for when Masimo returns, naturellement.

One minute later

So, just a hint of foundation, some concealer for any nasty lurker remains, a touch of mascara, and I'm ready to go.

One minute later

And eyeliner and blusher.

One minute later

And some strawberry lip gloss.

Two minutes later

Just to be prepared.

½ second later

I don't need to be prepared!

Quarter past four

Crikey, these jeans make my legs look like Slim's elephantine cousin!

Really, if you stood me next to the Jackie Bummer, she'd look like a stick insect at dawn.

One minute later

Actually, that might be taking it too far.

Three minutes later

Skirt?

One minute later

But it doesn't suit my shoes, bugger.

One minute later

On second thoughts, the jeans aren't too bad.

One minute later

The trousers look more sophis though. And they go with the shoes.

Two minutes later

But the skirt is really nice. It is a definite Sex Kitty skirt.

Two minutes later

Which is not the look I am going for.

So black trousers it is.

Quarter to five

Ready to Go

Okay, I'm wearing the skirt and top and some jazzy flip flops I found.

One minute later

"If you see my daughter please donate some money to her clothing fund. Currently she only has belts to wear." Said El Beardo as I went out the door.

Oh go and build a shed or something Elderly Loon of the Valley. Your life is already over!

Luigi's

5.02pm

Dave isn't here yet.

Is he going to stand me up?

One minute later

Is this skirt too much of a prostitute road sign?

I don't want to imply I am a tart of the first waters.

Especially after that Emma fiasco.

One minute later

Blimey, that just reminded me why I actually asked Dave here in the first place.

To ask about…y'know…with Emma…

One minute later

It really is none of my business.

Will he go ballisticimus?

5.06pm

Blimey, Dave has just arrived. He really is marvy looking.

One minute later

He sat down opposite me and smiled.

Ooh, Specific Horn personified.

Down, horn, behind me!

"So what's up Gee? Did you break a fingernail or something?" But he said it a kind, jokey way.

But it still didn't feel right. He should be saying "So what's up Gee? Did you fancy a snog? Don't worry, there's plenty of me to go round."

One minute later

Poo.

One minute later

"Er…so how are you and Emma going?" I asked, all full of nervyosity, and he spluttered into his coffee, which went everywhere.

Vair funny.

Especially as he now has that bunny-in-the-headlights look.

Aaw.

"Er, yeah, we're great thanks." He mumbled. Whoops, sensitive.

Two minutes later

I want Dave THE LAUGH back!

Not Dave Slugs-Are-More-Interesting-Than-This!

One minute later

"Tom said Masimo is coming back in a few days." Ooh, do I detect a hint of jealousy there?

Yep.

"Yeah. He's bringing his Mutti as well." Crikey, that sounded really bitchy didn't it? I said it in a sort of casualostic manner. But Dave still looked odd.

"Oh." He said, and he gave me a funny look. "So you're, like, getting serious then?"

"I guess." Dave just looked annoyed. Bugger, have to change the subject before he slimes off in another huffy mood.

One minute later

"Do you want to go for a walk?" he said suddenly. Obviously not in a sliming-off mood then.

Five minutes later

Walking through the park. Crikey, you could shine a light on the tension between us.

So I decided to nip it in the nub and whatsit and…er...go for it.

"Er…Dave…at the party, Emma…erm, well, it probably isn't any of my business, but…" Bloody hell, get the words out! Dave just looks confused. "Well, she said you and her were, y'know…going to…er...do stuff...like...it…"

Hand me a rock I want to die of embarrassment!

But at least I didn't mention anything about tomatoes.

One minute later

Blimey, Dave isn't going spazoid.

"Er…well, yeah, we were going to…" Dave muttered, all red and shuffly.

"You didn't?" He nodded and I don't know why but I feel so relieved.

Okay, that's a lie.

One minute later

I most definitely know why.

Two minutes later

"Why are you doing this Georgia?" Dave said suddenly, but he didn't look angry or anything. Just, sort of confused.

I just want to snog him.

"Doing what?"

Then he stopped. Oo-er, this is getting tension-y, to some degree.

One minute later

In fact, I do believe we are trampling heavily in the Hamlet of Awkwardnosity and Beyond.

One minute later

Dave sat us down on a bench, and he looked all frustrated and whatsit.

One minute later

Blimey, he is gorgey looking.

Almost up there with the Sex and Luuurve Gods of the world.

One minute later

Almost.

One minute later

"Georgia, I told you me and Emma are back together. And you should be worrying about your Handbag Devotee anyway. So why are you doing this, asking to meet up, asking about Emma?" Dave said finally.

To put it lightly, woah.

And then I acted a bit like Mrs Prat of the Kingdom of Utter Loonville.

"I missed you."

Oh crikey, there are so many things wrong with that. One, I sound like a baby personified, and I said it in this really weird, pathetico voice. Two, I am supposed to be sort of eschewing him. Three, it does not imply glacialosity-

One minute later

Being snogged to within an inch of my life by Dave the Laugh.

One minute later

Ooooh my Goooood!!

**Teehee, next chapter is D and G personified!! But it wont be up until tomorrow evening/afternoon cos Im busy tonight and tomorrow morn! And also I found out we have the Men are From Mars Women are From Venus book! Its the exact same one as they use in the movie! Hahaha.  
**


	16. Snog God

"Crap." Dave pulled away suddenly and just looked at me as if I had two heads or something. "Crap, I…I'm sorry, really, I…"

Eh?

Dave the Laugh is having a mini nervy b!

"It's…er, alright…"

"No, Kittykat-" And he stopped again, looking like a tortured monk or something. "Er, I mean…look, I was getting all angry at you and telling you me and Emma were having a go at things and then we're here and I do this…"

Blimey, he looks really guilty.

But honestly, if he just stopped apologising and got on with the snogging, all the elves in this world would be happy!

One minute later

Not that I am an elf, or anything.

"Dave, seriously, its okay-"

"It's not, Georgia, I'm just a total…" And he swore then, quite badly, and I realised he was having a proper spaz out. Crikey. It was so weird, I mean, usually he's glacial cool. What's going on?! "Look, I'm sorry Gee, I just think it's best if we don't, y'know, see each other, or anything, any more…"

What?!

"What?!" I squeaked.

"Well, we always end up doing this!" Dave said, getting all frustrated again and whatsit. Stop with the excuses!

"Erm…" Why is he doing this to me?! "But we can still be friends? 'Cos…I mean, we like each other and everything-"

Then he snogged me again!

What in arse's name is he doing?!

Talk about Mixed Signals City!

Crikey, it's a bloody good snog though.

Five minutes later

I think I'm melting!

Proper jelloid knees to the extreme!

One minute later

"Sod it, Georgia. Come back to my house." Dave said, suddenly stopping, and I nodded like a mongoose.

Five minutes later

Walking back to Dave's house. Actually, he is giving me a piggyback, and we don't even have to look out for Emma, because she is away for a few days visiting relatives. I looked at him when he said that and he winked at me!

One minute later

Yesssss, Dave the Laugh is back!

Two minutes later

He really is hilarious, it has to be said. He made up this game where everytime you see a car you have to wriggle your hips.

And as he's giving me a piggyback, it really is top-notch hilariousnosity!

Ten minutes later

Arrived at his house. He let us in, going in front of me and pretending we were in 'dangerous territory', doing that fake gun thing with his hands. He is so vair immature.

But funny.

One minute later

His house is really nice and normal, but it's weird thinking he actually lives here.

"Everyone's out at the moment so it's just you, me, and the Snogging Machine." Dave said, grinning really naughtily as he pulled me up the stairs. Oh blimey.

Two minutes later

Crikey and above, his room looks like it was attacked by Slim and her Elephantine Crew!

Quite literally, his - empty – wardrobe is flung wide open and all his clothes are lying on the floor, with lots of random bits and bobs and plates and mugs and stuff, so you can't actually see the carpet. Sort of disgusting, but typical teenage boy stuff, y'know? And for extra hilariousnosity, he is made a path to his bed, which is the only bit of carpet you can actually see. Quite funny if you think about it.

Ooh, his room is actually quite interesting. There are loads of posters, mostly music, like 'The Clash' (I recognised that from Vati's mad music collection – is Dave on the Elderly Loon turn?) and stuff I didn't know. And he has this big stereo, and a computer! The minx! Although it does look as old as my Grandvati and it has loads of dust on it.

I can also see loads of boxers all over the floor and they're actually pretty nice groovy ones.

One minute later

Whoops, I have just imagined Dave in only his boxers.

Crikey…

Red Bottom get down!

One minute later

I really have to work at this faithful Kittykat business.

Two minutes later

Dave is sitting on his bed looking at me look at his room like I'm a mad person.

"Are you going to stand there all year?" He raised his eyebrows at me, and I felt the red bottom creep up again, but I eschewed it again.

I made my way over to him but tripped on something and landed really badly on the bed. Bugger. Luckily, my botty huggers were not on display. But ouchy ouch, my ankle hurts like billio.

"You're proper comedic value, Gee." He said, grinning properly. It was sooo nice to have normal Dave back, all naughty and snoggy snoggy.

Er…

One minute later

But why did he bring me back to his house?

"Er…why did you bring me here again?" I said, and he laughed. Why?

"Honestly Gee, I'm not going to do anything." And then he looked at me, all melty-eyes and full on jelloidnosity and the like, and he had a bit of a naughty smile. "Not unless you want me to."

Oh my giddy God.

Five minutes later

After that we, er, pretty much got on with the snogging. Shameless tart, I know. But when you're dealing with Dave the Laugh, it's very difficult to resist (oo-er).

One minute later

I think we are making up for lost snogging as we are doing immense Number 6. He's sort of pressing me against his bed and his hand has already found its way up my top. Good Lord, the cheeky cat.

Three minutes later

His other hand is sort of stroking my hair and back and face and it is just tip top all round and we both did the sort of moany thing so we're both jelloid!

One minute later

Whoops, accidentally took Dave's shirt off. I really don't know what has come over me. He looked surprised but didn't mind at all.

One minute later

Oh blimey.

One minute later

He is, er, certainly blessed in the whole muscly torso department. Crikey.

I literally had to stop snogging and stare at it and Dave laughed.

Crikey, he'd been hiding these hidden talents from me for a very long time!

One minute later

Hidden talents?!

"Appreciate the fine art, Kittykat, appreciate the fine art." He teased, but I didn't have to be told twice.

Ten minutes later

Snogging again, tip-top! It's just so nice snogging him, half the time it's been better than when I'm with Masimo because, I don't know, it just felt…oh blimey, this is sooo confusing, I will just concentrate on the nice snoggyness that is me and Dave, er snogging.

I can sort of feel his, er, topless top half (shut it) sort of all pressing into me because I was against the wall next to his bed and I had a mini nervy b to end all mini nervy b's. But it was just a mini one, so I don't think he noticed.

Thirty minutes later

We have just been super-snogging for half an hour and beyond!! Whoopeeeee…!

And I'm also a bit breathless because I quite often forgot to breathe.

Dave is lying next to me pretending to me asleep. And he hasn't put his top back on.

What a beast.

One minute later

He pulled me into him and kissed me really softly on the lips. Ultimate crikey! Then he did again, and then all along my neck to my ear and then on my lips and again and then he did a quick lip nibble. Oooohhh mmyyyy Ggoooodddd! Absolutely beyond marvy I very nearly melted into him! But just as I was getting geared up (shut it) he stopped and fell back to pretendy sleep again. But he had me pulled quite tightly into him, so I decided to get free and snog him again, because his pretend sleeping was a bit boring a pongoes.

One minute later

I cannot get free! I am wriggling for England but I am quite literally his Kittykat prisoner!

Two minutes later

In all seriousnosity I cannot escape, no matter how much I try.

One minute later

Dave is pretend-sleep-laughing at me! He is sooo annoying.

Five minutes later

Plan B: Operation Sex Kitty.

Clue; it is a big opposite to ignorez-vousing and ice woman façade.

One minute later

Snogging Dave to within an inch of his life. He luuurves it, because he is doing little moany things, but he is still refusing to let go. Naughty minx.

Two minutes later

So I did a very bad thing.

Remember when me and Masimo were snogging at his flat, and he put his fingers very gently in my mouth, and it was quite literally Sensation City?

Well I did that to Dave and he must have got the big jelloids because he did let go of me. But then he pulled me, quite literally, on top of me and put his hands to good use (really, shut it) rubbing my back. He did, actually, once or twice, let his hands drift towards the derrière area, but it was very strictly over the skirt. But I had to remind myself to breathe again because it was absolutely tip top and beyond marvy and any snog I'd ever had before. He was definitely in my Top Snogs list now. Probably at Number One. Unfortunately, my boyfriend Masimo was lagging behind in Number Two, which is a shame, as he is my, erm, boyfriend.

Oh merde.

One minute later

Then he sort of pushed me gently back to the bed and propped himself on one lazy elbow and started to kiss my neck.

One minute later

Still kissing my giraffe scarf, cor, yummy scrumboes!

One minute later

Hang on!

"Er, no lovebite at dawn again!" I pulled away and Dave chuckled, which brought on another bout of the shiverosities. He really is quite groovy looking, it has to be said.

"Alright Kittykat. Especially as your Italian Handbag is coming home soon." But he sounded all happy, not jealous and moody like before. "And we don't want fisticuffs with the Homosexulist, do we?"

I was just about to give him the red card but he did tickly bears before I could argue and then it was a quick visit up to Number 5 & 6, before the lazy sod stopped and did pretendy-sleep thingy again. Très ennuyant, mes amis.

"Dave, why do you keep pretending to go to sleep. It is so very easy to see through."

"I'm tired Kittykat." He said, with one eye open, and he looked vair funny.

"It's 6 in the evening."

Dave was silent for a bit but then he gave me a funny look, half funny-weird and half funny-haha. I really cannot figure him out sometimes.

"Maybe I mean a different type of tired."

What?

Très mysterious.

Five minutes later

I am trying to find out what he meant but now he's ignorez-vousing me, and it's vair irritating. I even tried snogging him, but the lazy sod just let himself be snogged!

"Dave, what in the name of Spotty Norman's undercrackers did you mean?"

"What do _you_ know about Spotty Norman's undercrackers, Georgia Nicolson?"

"Er – I don't. I mean, just, er…"

"Have you been secretly snogging him, Sex Kitty? That makes me want to go to the wazzarium, honestly, he is almost as bad as Mark Big Gob."

I hit him on the arm, kindly. He just laughed again. What is it with all the laughing today?

One minute later

Well he isn't called Dave the Laugh for nothing.

Two minutes later

"Do you really want to know what I meant?"

Erm, yes!

"I suppose so." I said, vair casualle.

"Well, if you're not really interested…"

I hit him again.

"Dave I will confiscate your shirt if you don't tell me."

Where in the name of Buddha did that come from?!

Dave gave me mad-eye.

"And what, exactly, would that do?"

He's got me there.

"Well, you, er, wouldn't have a shirt."

Please, I know, I deserve to be banged up in the Elderly Loon home. This is bordering on Ridiculous Valley.

"I have plenty of other shirts."

"I will take all of those as well."

"And what will you do with all of them?"

"Give them to poor people."

Dave spluttered, doing mad laughing. What a loon.

"But then I won't have any shirts."

"You will have all your shirts if you tell me what you meant."

One minute later

We really are mad.

Two minutes later

He didn't say anything else but just snogged the living daylights out of me. I meant to say 'I don't think so, chum, you have already been served, now spill the beans or the cat gets it' but it just sort of came out as "Grng…"

Oh marvy, now he is looking at me like I am Queen Twittington of Stupid Land Towers. It also means he has stopped snogging which is a mahoosive shame!

"Grng?" Dave gave me a 'Are-you-mad?' look.

"Oh, yes…grng…everyone knows grng…" Oh hello, Loser Central? Yes, this is Georgia Nicolson, booking in for the Prat Penthouse Suite.

"Grng?" Dave said again, looking all gorgey and yummy scrumboes, even though he has no right to.

"Erm…its all the rage in Austria." Oh shoot me now, please.

"But what in the name of pants does it mean?" Dave did smiley-eyes at me. Oh stop with the Spanish 20 Questions and snog me!

"Well…it means…" Quick, think of something witty and full of Kittykat-osity!

"Snog me senseless?" Dave raised his eyebrows.

"Erm…possibly…" I stammered, really making a facsimile of a sham out of myself. Dave didn't seem to mind though.

"Or, does it mean I am having a super groovy time with a bloke who isn't my plighted troth," And then he leant really close so I could feel him breathe on me and the call of the Horn was very very loud, so to speak. "Even though he should be?"

Bloody hell. Dave really does do the twist with my emotions. He's such a pain in the bum oley sometimes.

I leant in to snog him but he pulled himself just out of reach. So I leant in a bit more but he pulled back even further, and he was laughing silently.

Ooh, the naughty minx, I will show him.

One minute later

…

One minute later

"Comedy genius, you are, Georgia." He chuckled but I did not agree, as such, seeing as I was being made a mockery of.

"Dave you are a beast." I said simply. Haha, touché. I don't know why though.

"A sexy beast, I know. You just can't get enough of me." He said lazily. He is sooo full of himself. It does sort of give me the Horn. Just a bit.

"Er, yes I can." Touché deux, ah oui. Dave did mad eye AGAIN.

"I don't think you can Sex Kitty." He smirked. So I put on the_ full _glacial routine then.

"Can." Maturiosity at all times, folks.

"Can't."

"Can."

"Can't."

"Can."

Dave sat up and put his face _really _close to mine again, and our lips were actually touching this time (!). Oh crikey! "Prove it." He said, and I could feel his mouth against mine when he talked. Oh my giddy God and Lord's pyjamas!

Buggering marsupials this is so unfair! He is got me in the most aggers and full-of-Horn position known to man!

Maybe one little nibble…

No! Glacial, Georgia, ignorez-vous the pain & torture.

Three minutes later

Lightbulb! If I close my eyes, all signs of the Red Bottom disappear! Well, not completely, but it is now so much very easier to tame and gird. Tee-hee, I am Wise Wanda of the Forest. _And_ I'm proving Dave wrong. Crikey, who knew I had this much self-control. It is most scary.

Then Dave said, "Well, if you're going to play dirty…" and he _licked my lips_!!

Oh my giddy God oh my GIDDY GOD and also bloody Elvis Atwood in heels, this is bloody Sensation City! How an earth can I not snog back?!

Self-control, self-control, be a monk of the forest, gird those loins and control those urges…

Then he did it again!!

I opened my eyes and said "That's cheating" but I only got to "Th-" because suddenly he was snogging me again and I had absolute melty knees to the extreme.

Ten minutes later

I think I have died and woken up in Snog Heaven, with a Snog God, snogging me.


	17. Perverted Peggy of the Forest

"Er…Dave…" He looked at me, all interested

"Er…Dave…" He looked at me, all interested. Oh no, he heard me. It sort of came out by accident, like my brain had taken control again. Blimey.

"Speak now or forever lose your PANTS." He raised an eyebrow. What in arse's name…?

"Oh, well, yes, that as well…" I mumbled. Crikey. Biggest. Idiot. Ever! Why did I open my big, Mark-esque gob? Do I not have a life I sort of need to live? Or am I like, y'know, intent on ruining it, or something? Maybe I should lie, make something up, like, 'Why, Dave, you…er…well, your boxers look particularly pink today…"

One minute later

Buggeration!

I said it out loud!

Dave is just staring at me, oh great. I know I know, I am a loser of the first waters. Honestly, I think perhaps Jas was right, maybe I do need some lessons in how to be normal before Masimo's Mutti lands.

One minute later

The maddest thing his boxers are not pink (otherwise I would have ran away by now). They're sort of dark blue with a band at the top that says 'Calvin Klein'.

One minute later

I like my men with style.

One minute later

Shut up brain!

"Well thanks. But to be honest I think there's some snogging to be getting on with." And he leant over and kissed me really gently on the lips. Then he did Number 4, and did all foreign-y varying pressure and everything and, well, blimey, to be frank!

Then he did Number 5 with a hint of 6, and there was even the reappearance of lip nibble! Oh crikey!!

Five minutes later

Ooh, there is a clock in the corner of the room, I can be a Jas-type twit and time how long we've been snogging. Starting from now!

Twenty-five minutes later

Goood grief and also Baby Jesus' manger, I think I have to marry Dave, just because he is so good at snogging. Although he has stopped now.

Erlack, but what about when we are Elderly Loons and such? Then we will be over 30 and snogging! And that is practically illegal!

One minute later

But how could I have a life without snogging? Because, le sad fact is I will be on this planet a lot longer than, say, 25 years, unless Miss Stamp's raving lesbianism kills me, or I get mown down by Dad's Robin reliant (maybe that will convince him to get rid of it?), and I cannot go all that time afterwards without snogging.

I mean, what will I do with half my time if I don't?!

One minute later

Oh no now I'm having a nervy spaz over the larks and what-not of over-age snogging, this is not good.

"What are you thinking about?" Dave said, and I realised he'd been watching me while I had an inner breakdown.

"Er…just, y'know…stuff…" I shrugged.

"You're not going to get away that easily, Kittykat. I bet you were thinking of me, weren't you, and how cool and groovy I am, and how you can't wait to dump your lady-bag for me." Dave smirked. What, what?!

But before I could argue, he started to tickle me! Oh no, tickly bears! Oh well, at least it would end up in heavy snogging, otherwise this would be torture beyond scrubbing Slim's chins for a living.

But he isn't stopping! What is this?! He is just chuckling like ye olde Merrie England and having a whale and also a goose of a time tickling me, and there is no snogging!

"I'll stop tickling you if you tell me what you were thinking about." He said suddenly. Ooohh poo and merde and Scheissehaus. That is so unfair, but I really hate him tickling me. I am, as Billy No Mates Shakespeare once said, 'Too tickleth, for my feathereth'.

Well, he didn't, but the point is I am very ticklish and whatsit and being tickled is not on my list of Great Things to Do Today.

"Alright, alright!" I spluttered, and Dave let go of me, grinning madly. Oh crikey, can I really tell him I was thinking of Elderly Loon snogging activities? He will just laugh at me and called me a Perverted Peggy of the Forest! And I would never live it down…

"This side of the moon Kittykat!" Dave said, all raised eyebrows, and he wiggled them about. I did laugh, cos it was actually vair funny, but then I remembered the fiasco.

Ahhhh well, live and let live, as they all said once. Basically, I will tell Dave, and he can make of it what he wants, and also I can snog him before he laughs at me.

But then he might laugh in my mouth when we snog.

Laugh-snogging…

Hmmmmm…

One minute later

No.

"Er, well…I was just…thinking…about Elderly Loon's engaged in snogging activities." I admitted, and Dave's eyes practically popped out.

"What, what?!" he looked at me all mad but not hairy, which is a relief. Well, he has hair, I don't mean he is Norma Bald and as shiny as Uncle Eddy's egghead, but, y'know, actually he has the perfect amount of hair-

Erlack erlack erlack! Stop with the hairy business!!

"No, I was just thinking about when we are older. Because, y'know, it's practically illegal for adults to snog 'cos it's so erlack a pongoes and whatsit, but I don't want to go a whole life without snogging antics."

One minute later

Dave is just staring at me.

I can't make out what he is thinking.

Two minutes later

"You are quite, quite sensationally mad." He said finally.

"Not as mad as you." I said back.

"No, madder. You are, in fact, almost verging into Rosie and Sven mad. But not quite."

What?!

"I am actually verging into as cool as a cucumber, much cooler than you. You are quite, quite sensationally…insane…" And I nodded, like one of those nodding Churchill's you get in people's cars. Jas' dad has one I think.

"Georgia, as you and everyone else on the planet knows, Dave the PANTSmeister is not only the coolest thing since baked bread, but he is also the almighty Vati of Cool, in terms of Coolness." He did wiggly eyebrows again. Really, he should stop that.

It does sort of give me the Horn though.

"And, if you want to, because I'm so sensationally nice like that, you can be the Mutti of Cool." Dave smirked, and I whacked him one. I don't know why.

And then I put my foot in it (not literally because there was nothing for my foot to go in. Apart from a shoe. But I had my shoes on already thankyou very much).

"But what about Emma?" I blurted out accidentally, and Dave stopped smiling and looked at me. Oh crikey and heaven's above. "Er…er…er…" And I couldn't get any more words out! I just 'Er…'d like an absolute twit of the first OCEAN!

"What about Masimo?" Dave said, but he wasn't all smiley and jokey, he was sort of tense, like when he was talking to Mark before he duffed him up. Oh blimey, I hoped he didn't resort to that.

"He…could…be the bridesmaid…." I said, again, accidentally. What in arse's name of big pantaloons and huffy Vati's was I on about?

Of course, I'd be the last to know.

But Dave actually sniggered, and then he snogged me again! Phew, Kittykat saves the day again.

Ten minutes later

Still snogging again. Yay yummy scrumboes!

Twenty minutes later

Dave took me downstairs after a bit of heavy snogging (deffo Number 6 and 7, but I gave him a sort-of red card – well it was more like amber – when he tried to venture into Number 8 again) and asked if I wanted to watch a movie. So I said yes, I mean, what else would I say? A movie implies 5 minutes of watching and the rest snogathon!!

Although why he had to watch a movie for that, because we'd been pretty happy just snogging upstairs if you know what I mean and I don't think you do.

You think I'm being rudey dudey don't you?

One minute later

I'm not.

Three minutes later

Dave is sooo transparent, it's ridiculous.

He has gotten out all the horror films. Honestly.

One minute later

I really hate horror films. Seriously. The rest of the Ace Gang, apart from Ellen and Jas (but they don't count) love them, particularly Rosie, but they are DISGUSTING. And WUBBISH. Why would you want to scare the pants off of yourself?!

I told Dave this but he just laughed. Cheers.

"Don't worry Kittykat, you will have me to protect you from the ghosties." And he jabbed me in the ribs. Well he is just lovely. I sat in a huff on the sofa but he just said "Don't you want to choose one Gee? Oh well, if you don't mind, I'll just choose the scariest one there is…hmmm, this one has lots of dead people…and lots of blood…oh look at those guts all spread out next to his body…"

I shot off the sofa then and punched him, kindly, in the arm but then I helped him choose a movie. I asked which one was the least scariest (he said something like 'Of course, we don't want any Elderly Loon moments again, do we?') and he picked one out that didn't look too awful and put it in the DVD thingy and we settled on the sofa.

Ooh, it was sooo nice, we were all cuddled up and everything, he put his arm around me and pulled me a lot closer, so I was practically sitting on him, the daft loon, but it was all nice and snugly and…I don't know, it just felt so…natural. I don't know. Just really lovely. And he pecked me on the cheek just before it started and said, with all seriousnosity, if it did get too scary then he'd turn it off. Aaw, he is so sweet-

What in the name of Slim's elephantine ankles is that?!

Oh my God oh my bloody God there is blood everywhere, erlack erlack, I think I'm going to be sick this is disgusting! This mad lunatic is chopping people up! It is horrible horrible and AAAARRRRGGGHHH this THING just appeared and its arms are like disgusting and oh my God it's just horrible. Horrible. I hate it.

Dave is shaking next to me but it is from laughter!

I have said it before and I will say it again, boys are an absolute mystery to me.

He could see I was having a bit of a nervy spaz and cuddled me into him and said "The scary bits will be over in a bit" and he kissed me on the head and started laughing again, but I couldn't see what it was about because I'd sort of tucked my head underneath his chin and closed my eyes and was suddenly away in Loonland.

Which was, so to speak, to do with him, and Emma, and Masimo.

Five minutes later

I am sooooooo camping out in the Valley of Absolute Unadulterated Confusementosity right now.

In fact, this particular camping trip is so much worse than the Stalag 14 one we had to endure. Crikey, I'd forgotten about that. That's sort of where the whole Dave fiasco began, properly, I mean.

And that's when he had said 'My trouser's need readjusting'.

I mean, what does that _mean_?

Oh no, we've gone through that already.

Two minutes later

Should I ask him?

One minute later

No. Don't even go there Georgia. Just leave it. Dave's trousers and also trousers snake are to be firmly eschewed at all times.

One minute later

It's a lot of hard work, eschewing. You wouldn't think it, but its true.

One minute later

Which is why I am so crappy McCrap at it.

Five minutes later

Back to this Dave fiasco.

I really am a top-notch minx, sitting here all cuddled up with Dave. He is worserer though. He is the Initiator of all these snogs. That sounds quite grand and groovy, doesn't it, the Initiator.

One minute later

Seriously, I wish I had a sort of Shut Up button, and or a Turn Off switch for my brain.

This is getting ridiculous.

Two minutes later

Dave has, quite literally, ruined everything, again. I mean, I was all girding my loins and getting used to being Masimo's faithful One and Only and, y'know, business like that, but then he ruins it by doing a complete turnaround, bringing me back to his house, and snogging the living daylights out of me!!

I'm sooo confused now. Because it just feels so nice being with him, especially right now. But then it feels groovy with Masimo as well. Not groovier, just the same amount of groovyness.

God this emotional work is so tiring.

One minute later

I think I might actually have to talk to him because this is getting really ridiculous.

Although he might get a bit shirty with me. Because, y'know, we were all happy snogging and everything but then I become the Gloom Queen and ruin everything.

Oh well, touché, he did the same thing. In actual fact, he is worse, because he actually proper ignorez-voused me and was a bit nasty nasty, and then he says 'Sod it, snog me'. I mean, hello, mixed signals and whatsit?! I am just simply going along with my Horn and Red Bottom, although that is never a good thing.

But, as I have already said, he is the Initiator. So, really, he is to blame for this big fiasco of a shambles.

One minute later

Right, time to, y'know, do it.

Shut it, you rude types.

Oh crikey, I don't want to upset him.

Oh well, I need to bite the bullet and whatsit, or whatever they say.

Although whoever came up with that crappy phrase deserves Angus' lynching squad because, as anyone knows, biting a bullet is never a good idea, unless you are a Wet Lindsay. Whatever fool decided to come up with such a stupid thing deserves to be sent to Elderly Loon Avenue and penned up in the Insane Home forever. And the key can be thrown away as well, for good measure.

Anyway, what was I saying before I rudely interrupted myself? Oh yes, grabbing the bull by its horns and mounting with joie de whatsit and stuff.

"Dave?"

Ooh, shivery knees, he looked at me, and he did smiley eyes and everything, and I practically melted. Never mind I was about to probably ruin everything, he was so gorgy looking.

**Okay this is a bit of crap chapter but I have no umph or whats the word inspiration sorrrreeee**


	18. I Don't Date Toddlers

Trudging home

8pm

Blubbing for England

I HATE Dave the laugh.

I hate him.

Hate hate him.

Really really hatey hate him, with every inch and ounce of everything.

He can sod off to Nowhere Place (ie Alaska) with his 'amazing' girlfriend for all I bloody care.

Five minutes later

When I get home I will make a wax effigy of him and stick in it everything that is sharp that I can find in our house (ie Rocketman, maybe some hair clips and…er…that's it).

One minute later

Actually, Bibs might adopt it as a new toy. So on second thoughts I will mentally make a wax effigy and mentally stick in it everything that is sharp that I can find in our house.

Two minutes later

Yep yep, that is very satisfying.

One minute later

I _really_ hate him.

I hate him I hate him, what do I do, I HATE him!!

"Oh, er, alright Gee?" I looked up half-blub to see Tom smiling at me, but he looked all nervous.

"Hi Tom." I said, ultra-glum and the like. "Why do you look all nervy and whatsit? Did Jas show you her pantaloon collection or something?"

How noble, even in the depths of despair at racks of luuurve I am able to make hilarious jokes.

But I didn't have the heart to laugh, to be honest.

"Actually, you were muttering under your breath and you looked really angry. It was scary with knobs."

Great.

One minute later

Now I am Manic Muttering Woman. No wonder people were giving me funny looks. I though my nose had just enlarged to a gigantibus size due to all the crying.

Five minutes later

Tom didn't ask what was wrong but said he was going to Jas' and did I want to come along, because I looked like I was in a bit of a state and perhaps they could try and help?

Bless him.

At least he likes me.

I was going to say no because, frankly, watching Jas alternate between snogging her owls, snogging Tom, and mooning about Tom like a real prat is not my favourite thing to do. But then I realised that even if Jas was a twit Tom was actually quite sensible and normal, boy-wise, and I could do with his advice. And it felt good to know I did have some chums who loved me, even if just a little bit.

Twenty minutes later

Wrong.

"You really are a tart, Georgia." Jas sniffed, and I fought back the urge to duff her up there and then. I think I have mentioned this before but she is definitely Ice Woman when it comes to helping out poor friendies in big soups of merde.

"Jas, you can shut up now." I said, and looked at Tom.

"I think you should do like he said, Gee, and sort of, y'know, keep out of his way for now. I mean I wasn't there but it sounds like he was pretty angry. And when that's the case it's best just to let him stew for a while." He said. There, that's what I wanted. Nice, normal, logical advice.

"Yes, I was thinking that too, I mean, he sounded proper shirty, didn't he, after what you did to him." Jas interrupted with that complete _crap_, and I threw the pillow at her, but it missed and she ignored me, looking at Tom like he was Thor God or something.

Basically, what had happened with me and Dave, was this. Somehow, I'd managed to bring up the topic of Emma and Masimo, and he got a bit tense then, and was all 'What about it?' So I said "Well, don't you think this is a bit, y'know, unfair on them?' and he had the cheek to say "You weren't complaining earlier" and I was going to argue back but then he really let rip and came out with all this bollocks about how I always get high and mighty after we've, y'know, snogged and everything, just so I don't get to miss out on the snogging etc, and how I just used him when I felt in need of a good Number 6 or whatever but I didn't actually give a flying birds nest about anyone else, namely him, and did I understand what I was putting him through, snogging him and then swanning after Masimo, and basically just mucking him around like Julias Caesar and Hadrian's Wall (yes, he did actually say that and I don't know what it means). So I was a bit shocked and everything, and spluttering like a loon, but I managed to say that's a bit unfair and he lost it then and said "Is it? Is it? You always do this Georgia you always mess me about it like I'm a…a shag machine or something (A SHAG MACHINE?!) and you think everyone's cool with it and you think its okay to mess people around and treat them like trouser-snakes."

He didn't actually say trouser-snakes, but you can pretty much guess what was there instead of that.

I got a bit annoyed after that because who was he to get all shirty about us snogging, after all, he initiated and everything, and I told him that, and I also told him if he didn't want to snog me and stay faithful to Emma then why had he brought me back to his house?

And Dave said "You just don't get it, do you? You don't get it."

So I said "Get what?"

"You reckon its pretty much fine to reject me after everything we've done, but if you really liked Masimo then you wouldn't sneak round behind his back with me, would you?"

"Dave you know I'm confused about the whole Masimo thing, and I don't know who to choose."

"Really. Really. That makes everything so much simpler then, you can sample each different boyfriend, a snog here, a snog there, maybe a bit of Robbie or Mark for when I'm busy and Masimo's still in Italy. You've got it all planned out haven't you Georgia?"

I told him that wasn't true and he was out of order – which he was – and then I said "You're the one who came back to snog me after getting all huffy with me and saying we should just stay friends, oh no actually, scrap that, we can't see each other, and you're the one who got all stroppy, and then came back to me and did this. And even if I did mean to reject you which I didn't but I did accidentally, well, then you can't get angry at me because it's my choice and I left you alone afterwards and you're just jealous because for once someone isn't completely in love with you and devoted to you and actually cares about someone else who is a bloke and a good looking one at that."

For a moment it went all silent because Dave was, to put it lightly, stunned. He just stared at me, looking all spaced out, like I'd hit him or something. Then he said, sort of quietly, but it was still horrible all the same "Unbelievable. You're a cold hearted user but you _still_ blame it on other people."

I felt like crying then because he said it in this was that was really nasty, but it wasn't like he was just saying it, you could tell he really meant it, and he really believed I was a bitch or something. But instead of trying to sort things out I said "You're cheating on Emma as well. It's not like I'm the only one who is lying."

Dave didn't get angry at that, surprisingly. He just said "I know. I know, but I thought if I didn't have a chance with you I might as well trying and make things up with her, because I'd really hurt her when I broke things off."

I just said "Really" because I couldn't think of anything else to say and to be honest I was annoyed that he was blaming me. And out of nowhere, seriously, I didn't even _think_ it before I said it, it literally flew out of my mouth like a mongoose, I looked him and said "What did you do to her at Rosie's party?" And he was like "What, nothing happened at Rosie's party blah blah dribble snot snot" so I said "Yes, you and Emma were arguing, she sounded really upset, it sounded like you hurt her" and he said "It's none of your business" and I said "Well, if you're going to blame me for making you really angry and attacking her or something then it is" and that is when he quite literally hit the roof and lost his rag and went completely completely ballisticimus.

First of all he said he didn't 'attack' her. Second of all it really is none of my business. Thirdly I couldn't talk to him about mistreating people anyway because I'm a bitch, a real bitch, and I thought he was going to hit me or something. And it took two seconds to write that but really it took him about five minutes to come out with all this _horrid_ stuff, I started to cry in front of him like a baby and that just made him even angrier, he said "Go on, have a good cry then, it's always good to know Georgia Nicolson has a conscience" (major déjà-vu, I realised later on) and he said a lot of really nasty stuff, a lot of swearing, that I can't write because half I have forgotten and half is too rude to put down, but I just remember feeling like a big pile of poo. Most of it wasn't true but at the time it seemed it was. Then he stopped after about twenty minutes of raging at me and went all quiet. I looked at him and I was shocked to see his eyes were actually a bit wet. He wasn't crying, but I knew he was sort of close. Then he said "Just leave me alone Georgia. Seriously, don't come after me, ever again, just leave me alone and go snog your stupid Italian boyfriend."

And he stormed upstairs and I let myself out. Crying for England.

"You know Georgia…I'm not on anyone's side or anything, but, as Dave's mate…" Tom said quietly, and I looked at him. Blimey, he was using tact. After all these years as Jas' mate I'd forgotten it existed. "Well, you did hurt him. A lot. He felt like you'd lead him on – I'm not saying you did or anything – but he felt like that because you never said no to him or anything and I think in the end he just sort of believed you'd eventually dump Masimo. But then you finally said no to his face and it really hurt him."

Great, Numero uno way to make me feel like the most horriblest person _ever_. I felt like blubbing again but, surprisingly, Jas put her arm round me and sort of gave me a hug, but she smelt suspiciously like a vole, or something pratty woodland creature like it.

"But he's the one who snogged me, after everything. It's not my fault he did that, after all he said." I said, and Jas and Tom exchanged glances. What, what? Did I say something? Or am I not in on some special secret or something? It wouldn't surprise me. I am supposed to be besties with Radio Jas but I always end up being the last to know, ironic as copper if you ask me.

"But, Georgia…" Tom started, then stopped, looking all nervy. What??

"What?" I was going to burst from suspense-osity here!

Then Her Royal Fringe took a swing at things and got all stuffy and full of self-importance. She definitely needs a peg or ten taken down.

"Dave loves you." She said, as if it was super obvious or something.

Two minutes later

Oh crap oh crap oh crap oh crap.

"What?" I stammered, and thankfully Tom made Jas be quiet (he had to clamp his hand over her mouth and at any other occasion I would have laughed, cos she squirmed at first, like a drowned rat, but then went all red and everything and giggled, making a real twit of herself) and took over.

"Dave really really likes you. Sort of more than he's liked anyone else ever before." He said, which was a bit easier to take in. "He hates you being with Masimo, but he can't make it obvious - " What, like he hasn't already? "And, he was really angry at you, Gee, but it still wasn't enough for him to, y'know, not to like you. Apparently he gets the 'Specific Horn' personified or something whenever he sees you." Then he had a bit of a tizz and a to do. "Oh, crap, don't tell him I said that, don't let him know I mentioned _any _ of that, crap, crap…"

One minute later

Oh my giddy God's pyjamas. Specific Horn personified. In basic speak, it meant he quite literally couldn't resist me.

Oh my God.

So Jas was actually sort of right?!

And that's what he meant, when he was all 'do you understand what you're putting me through?'

Oh God oh merde I've really hurt him, haven't I?

Damn damn damn! Damnity damn and also Mr Beaver's dam to the extreme!

Why am I such a prat?!

Walking home

I think I hate myself as much as a prune might a lemon.

Although what prunes could have against a lemon I really don't know.

I passed Oscar and Blunder Boys and when they saw me they tried to act all cool and then one of the funnier, less acne-personified types pulled Oscar's trousers down and you could see his stupid boxers, with palm trees and islands (why?), and they were all laughing, but I didn't, and I think you can see from that how upset I am.

"Yeah, yeah, er…" Oscar blundered on like a loserish type lobster, trying to act all cool whilst pulling his trousers up, and then he had a stab at trying to get a bit of 'respect!' from his loser mates. "Wanna shack up later? My place, tomorrow at seven, see you there babe."

All the older boys stopped laughing and gawped at him, and then at me, to see what I'd say. I couldn't ignore him cos then he'd think I was agreeing and I would see him later. But no way in PANTS land (oh no I've just thought of Dave!!) would that be happening so I just said "I don't date toddlers" and mooched off.

That made me feel slightly better, and all the Blunder Boys were wetting themselves having spaz attacks laughing, and Oscar tried to join in, like he wanted to be rejected or something. But I still felt super super awful.

Home

I walked in the front door but no-one noticed me. Typico.

I went up to my bedroom and sat on my bed and for once Libby wasn't there, or Angus or Gordy, so then I really let rip and cried.

Twenty minutes later

Still crying.

**A bit of a sad and also shorty chap today and intense and whatsit hopefully it'll lighten up cos I don't really know what direction I'm taking!**


	19. All Nerves A Kimbo

Saturday 26th August

Ie One Day Before Masimo Returns

12.36pm

I think I might just lie here forever until I get really old and wrinkly, and become Cobweb Woman, or something.

After the whole Dave fandango, which was over a week ago, I have done nothing but sit at home and mope about. Well, that's a lie. There was an Ace Gang meeting at Rosie's on Thursday to try and cheer me up, and save me from the depths of Sheer Desperadoes. It was actually really nice of them, and even Jas joined in the celebratory Viking Horn dance, but I just didn't feel the joie de whatsit. Even when Jools pulled Ellen's skirt down to her knees and Ellen trotted around going absolutely mental, yelling "But…ohmyGod..oh…what, oh, I'm stuck…ohmyGod…help…er…please?" and then she fell over, looking absolutely hilarious with her humongous botty huggers practically on a flag pole, waving for all those in Greenland to see.

Basically, because I feel really awful about Dave.

Phone ringing

1.13pm

I'll tell you this for free, whoever is ringing this house obviously has no consideration. I mean, I am trying to mope in peace here, but no, it's all me me me. No respect for anyone else, especially those who are on the rack of luuurve.

One minute later

No, no! Forsooth and lack a day, I am not on the rack of luuurve! I am not! After all, I have been barred entry, it would be plain rude to try and force my way in.

Dave is just, y'know, being a prat. And Masimo is my boyfriend.

Merde.

One minute later

To be honest, Dave was a bit out of order.

One minute later

But I was a lot out of order.

"Gee, phone for you! It's a boy!" Mutti called up. Oh wow, is she trying to get me cast out into the Valley of Ultra Loserville, where currently Nauseating P Green is the mayor?

Crikey, what if it's Dave?

What if it's Masimo?!

One minute later

Oh my God oh my God oh my God. It's Robbie.

"Hi Gee, you alright?" he said. Blimey, he sounds vair sexy. But, y'know, only in an ex sort of way. Like, crikey, that's my sexy ex and cast-off who I'm firm friendy friends with. Not as in, crikey, that's my sexy ex who I want to snog.

Definitely not.

"Yeah, erm, well, I'm sort of fine, y'know…sound…" Ergh, why am I so un-normal?!

Then I saw Mutti and Vati dancing in the kitchen, and he was tweaking her bum!

One minute later

That is why I am not normal.

Because I descend from two absolute prats.

Ten minutes later

He wants to meet up for a coffee later, at about 4.

What in arses's name does that mean?!

Is it, 'Let's meet up for a coffee and maybe throw in a bit of a just-for-old-times-sake snogging, and if we're feeling very jelloid perhaps a bit of Number 6'?

Or is it 'Let's meet up for a coffee and eschew the Horn with a well-practiced hand, and have a really boring chat about Wilma the Elephant who comes from Kiwi-a-gogo land?'

I really don't know.

But as he's not a potential snoggee, I only need an hour to plan my outfit.

Five minutes later

Blimey, phone ringing again! Scary bananas.

I don't know why though.

"Hello, hello, Hotel of the Big Prats, this is your resident twit Georgia Nicolson speaking, I may accidentally break your heart even though I didn't mean to but don't worry, I have been barred entry from the Cake Shop of Aggers so you're pretty much safe, for now." Oh my God. That doesn't even make sense!

Let's just hope Masimo isn't on the receiving end of that loony tomfoolery.

"Ciao, this is Miss Georgia?"

One minute later

Please, Lord, smite me now.

One minute later

It is tiring enough speaking to an ex-Sex God, but now I have a Luuurve God to content with! And all in the space of ten minutes!

Blimey, I really have booked into Hotel Sheer Desperadoes, which is neatly situated in the Valley of Madnosity and Lunatic-osity.

"Bellisima, Georgia, I am so very happy. I return tomorrow, and I see you, no? And you, cara, you are happy also?" he asked. B-l-i-m-e-y, am I happy?! What a question! When, in the name of Slim's gigantibus pyjamas, would I not be happy to see and also snog the living daylights out of a Luuurve God like him?!

One minute later

This is not the time to mention a certain bloke who is often prone to laughing.

"Oh, yes, I'm…as ripe as bananas, y'know." What, what?? Am I insane?! Do I have a death wish?! Quick, whilst he still thinks I am sane! "I mean, I'm very excited, sì, to the Valley of the Extreme. It will be, er, super!"

Honestly.

It's like someone has got my brain and wired it to Jas' or someone equally as stupid and beyond the Hamlet of the Insane.

"Ah, sì, cara." Crikey, I feel quite bad about this whole Dave situation. Masimo sounds really excited, and all happy and full of joie de vivre. "Bellisima, my flight will come at early morning, I think, 2 o'clock, sì?" Oh, yes, sì, sì! "So you cannot meet me at the aeroport, like I so asked you. But, you come in the evening, I cook dinner, and we all eat together. That is good for you?"

"Oh, absolutely, I mean, sì. You know, thumbs up…green light…absolute pronto…" Look, he is foreign, I am trying to get the message across, okay?

"Fantastico, cara! It is brilliant, no? Oh, and I also have other news. The Monday after I return, in two days, there is a big, how you say, gig? For the Stiff Dylans. You will come, cara, no?"

Abso-bloody-lutely!

Masimo had to go a bit after that but then, oh my God, he said it!

Oh my God oh my God oh my giddy God!

Just before he went, he said "And Bellisima, I want you to know. I very much love you."

And then he disappeared.

Buggering hell.

Five minutes later

He loves me!

Oh my God.

Ten minutes later

I truly am the crappest girlfriend to ever walk on this crappy planet.

One minute later

I suppose the upside to Dave being in a complete huff with me is that he cannot entice me back to my Kittykat ways.

But I really hate him being angry with me.

Especially after what Jas and Tom said.

Ten minutes later

Maybe I should ring him.

Just to, y'know, clear things up.

Five minutes later

Will he want to talk to me?

One minute later

Blimey, can I do it?

He did ask me to leave him alone, and Tom did say that was probably a good idea. But it's been a whole week. And he said it when he was really angry, and maybe he regrets it now, but feels too embarrassed and whatsit to ring me.

So it's my job to be the peacemaker and hold out the bit of olive bush or whatever.

Although what anyone could possibly want with a manky clipping of a stinky plant like that I'll never know.

By the phone again

Oh blimey, I'm all nervous a jumble now, and full of jelloidnosity to the extreme.

What if he hangs up? Or Emma is there, and she grabs the phone and says 'Loser double loser, Dave hates you now, na na, go and snog your Italian Handbag, na na ni na na!"

One minute later

No, I must be mature about this situation.

One minute later

Although, as some nasty types who will remain unnamed (but Jas) might go as far as saying, maturiosity is not exactly my middle name.

And if it was I'd be seriously worried about the mental state of my so-called parents.

Five minutes later

Okay, some Buddha-type breathing to calm the jittery nerves.

Phhheeewww, in, breathe, calm, relax-y, ohm, ohm, and…out…phhheewww….

One minute later

Okay, here goes.

One minute later

Sod it, I can't do it!

One minute later

Phone is ringing.

"Hello?" Wow, he sounded _really_ moody.

"Dave? It's Georgia, I-" But he put the phone down then.

In my Boudoir of Pratland

2pm

It's official.

Dave the Laugh hates me.

Ten minutes later

I pretty much deserve it though.

Well, I sort of do, but don't.

Twenty minutes later

Reasons why I deserve to be hated by Dave the Laugh

Whenever we snogged, I did not, as such, try and stop it. I did, in fact, often embrace my red bottomosity, it has to be said, and this might be considered as potential 'leading-on' behaviour.

Also, I did reject his offer to become his One and Only, even though I actually didn't mean to, and that, in everybody's books, is a definite green light for a bit of huffing about. But maybe not quite big hatred.

Reasons why I do not deserve to be hated by Dave the Laugh

Although it might be considered potential 'leading-on' behaviour, I never actually told Dave I would dump Masimo and plight my troth to him. And he was cheating on Emma as well, so we are all squares and fair, and he is not, so to speak, the only innocent mouse in Gordy's claw of life.

One minute later

So, it's about half and half.

Ten minutes later

Well, if we're being all technical and whatsit (which is never a good thing, in my book at least), I would say I am 60 deserving of Dave ploughing off in the Huffmobile (which was very generous of Jas to lend him, as she seems to spend half her twiggy life in that thing, ho ho), and 40 undeserving.

Quarter past 3

Hells bells, I only have ½ an hour to get ready for Robbie!

What is the world coming to!

Half three

Rollers in hair for maximum volume-osity, now for subtle make-up effect.

One minute later

Sooo, just a hint of eyeliner, mascara and some natural eye shadow to bring out the colour in my eyes (according to Mutti, but what would she know?), just a dash of foundation and concealer to even out my complexion, some blusher for the healthy, rosy rose look, and a touch of lippy gloss, to top it all off.

I do look pretty groovy, it has to be said.

Five minutes later

Now, what to wear, what to wear.

Hmmm, I'm thinking casual but sophis, just to remind Robbie that, although I am still at school, I am, emotionally, mature beyond my years.

That is what I like to think.

Sooo, ankle boots? And some groovy jeans, that sort of go all skinny at the bottom, but don't make my botty look absolute humongous. They are my saviour jeans, and are actually quite flattering, though I say so myself.

And they do look pretty marvy with the boots.

One minute later

Now, topwise.

First, don the nunga-protector. Alright, the two lads are safely strapped in (shut it), now I can proceed to tops and such like.

Two minutes later

Hmmm, I have just found a groovy looking off-the-shoulder top that looks really nice with the jeans. It looks really old and mature-looking, it has to be said.

Probably because it is Mutti's.

Although what she is doing in possession of such an article I don't know. It was not made to be worn by Elderly Loons who are on the verge of tipping into the pensioner side of life.

Five minutes later

Right, rollers out, quick application of lippy again, just to smooth things off, and voila! I'm ready to go!

I just need to hide under a jacket so when I go past Mutti she won't throw a hissy fit.

Honestly, I am doing her a favour. If the Fashion Police really did exist, she would be Number One on their Wanted list. I am simply saving her from social suicide.

One minute later

I know, I know, too good for this world, and all that jazz.

3.49pm

I sneaked out the door with a quick "Just popping out to the shops!", and pretended to ignore Mutti's unnecessary "With all that slap on?" and disappeared off down the road. Ooh, geniosoity to the extreme.

Five minutes later

It feels really odd, thinking I'm going to meet Robbie. I mean, I haven't seen him in ages, literally. It was ages ago since we last met, and that was when he said he'd always like me, even though I was a mad (but lovely) girl. And we both had a bout of the sniffles, and whatsit.

Three minutes later

I reached La Strada, and oh my God, wasn't this where we first went together? Oh, well, we've been here before, and it's full of all the groovy types that are older and cooler than me. Unless you count Wet Lindsay, who is one of those older but very sad types who are très pathetico. But we all knew that already.

Blimey, I can see Robbie. He is sitting facing the window, so I can just see the outline of his face, but he looks really gorgey porgey, even from here. When I reached him, I heard him humming something, a little tune, and it made me feel all wibbly. I don't know why, but I felt a tear in my eye.

Maybe I'm emotionally challenged?

"Oh, hi Gee." He turned round and was a bit surprised to see me standing there all sniffly. "Um, are you okay?"

I sat down and was about to wipe my eyes, but then I remembered I had mascara and eyeliner on, so it might end up in a panda eyes fiasco type thing, so I restrained myself.

"Oh, yes, yep, I'm…just fine…as fine as two…fines…" Robbie looked a bit confused, but smiled all the same. Phwoooar.

Nooo, restrain thyself! Red Bottom, behindeth me! You have already caused enough trouble, mate!

Ten minutes later

I ordered a hot choccy, because I really wasn't up to the whole coffee ordeal. Y'know, avoiding the moustache by doing hamster sips, and don't even get me started on the fact that I don't even like coffee anyway.

Then Robbie started talking about stuff, mainly New Zealand, and how he was really excited about going out there.

"So, you're definitely going then?" I asked, and blimey, it was a proper sentence!

"Yeah, next week."

One minute later

WHAT?!

"Next…week?" I repeated, reeling from _complete_ shockosity and nerves a kimbo. What, in the name of Wet Lindsay's extraordinarily naff hair extensions, did he mean by next week?!

One minute later

Not as in, next week next week, as in, within the next 7 days.

He couldn't mean that…could he?

"I leave on Wednesday, Gee." He said, sort of all apologetic, and I really felt tears then. I mean, I knew he was going, but, in four days?! Oh my giddy God!

"But…that's four days away…" I said, all stupid and blubbery.

"I know. But, there's nothing much to really stay round here for. And they need me out there, they've just started this project, they're saving some red-necked blah-di-blah's…" he rambled on, and I kind of tuned out, because I was still living in Daze Land. But then I heard him say, "…and so on Monday night, we're having this like 'good-bye' gig, I guess, and it's also sort of Masimo's proper initiation into the group, the Stiff Dylan's…so you'll be there, yeah?" I nodded, sort of on auto-pilot, and then I realised this must be the same gig Masimo was talking about.

But still, I couldn't believe he was going on Wednesday!

It made me feel really sort of sad, actually. I mean, he wasn't a potential snoggee any more, and I was (sort of) over him, but it just sort of seemed to really end everything. And I remembered when I first saw him, and thought he was, quite literally, Our Lord Sandra's pyjamas and everything that it encompasses. Ie he was really gorgey porgey and full of Phwoar!-factor. And then all that business with Wet Lindsay and him dumping her and going out with me, but wanting to keep it quiet because I was so young, and then him dumping me as well, and recommending Dave for a good laugh, and oh my God I've just thought of Dave.

I felt really sniffly then, and my eyes went properly watery, and Robbie noticed and stopped talking about rubbish.

"Gee? Are you…look, I know it's a bit sudden and everything, but I'll be back in a few months, just to visit, I mean, but I can see you then. It's not like I'm completely disappearing or anything." He took my hand and looked at me all full of seriosity and everything, but that sort of made it all worse and I hiccupped and sniffled a bit more.

"It's not that. Well, it is, but then everything else…" I mumbled, obviously completely making sense.

"Oh…this whole thing with Dave and Masimo?" I looked up then. How in arse's name did he know about that?!

He looked a bit funny, but I tried to ignore it.

"But…how do you know?" I spluttered. Had he been following me or something, like when I used to stalk him? Look, it's only cool when I do it. Sex God's do not stalk. They are stalked. There is a difference, even a ditherspaz like Ellen could understand that.

"Well, Jas told Tom, who told me."

One minute later

My so-called besty is sooooo dead.

She is deader than dead.

She is, quite literally, a walking skeleton.

Because, when I get my hands on her, before eating all her Midget Gems in front of her, just to rub it in, I will definitely duff her up and possibly kill her, because now, not only my ex but the official Sex God knows all about my troublesome visits to the oven of luuurve, and the rearing of my Red Bottom.

Ten minutes later

Robbie paid the bill and led me outside, and started walking, but in silence. I was all nerves a jumble, as you can imagine, because nothing had been said since he revealed the full extent of Radio Jas' vole-like activities.

He took my hand and walked round the park. Then he sat down on the bench (so did I – it is not like he sat down and I stayed standing up, whilst holding his hand, because that is the prat-like behaviour you would expect from dither queens Jas or Ellen, not Miss Cool and Sophis – me – who naturally exudes maturiosity and joie de whatsit – well, alright, on certain occasions) and he sighed.

"You know, you've really hurt Dave." He said, all serious and everything, and he looked into my eyes, which gave me the proper jelloids and everything. But, strangely enough, even though I wanted to snog him (it would be unnatural not to), I didn't feel the call of the Horn, so to speak. As in, I was alright without any snogging action.

Which was surprising a lot.

"I didn't mean to. Well, I mean, I…it was just so confusing." And that's when I properly lost it. My sanity, I mean, and any respect Robbie might possibly have had for me. "I mean, I don't know if I like Dave or Masimo or anyone and my Red Bottom is definitely making more than the usual daily appearance and I don't know if I'm just blowing my Horn or if I love Dave or if I love Masimo but even if I loved Dave it doesn't matter now because he hates me because I wouldn't ride his camel even though when I ran off I meant to say yes and Masimo doesn't know anything and he said he loves me so I feel really awful and I…I'm just the crappest girlfriend _ever_."

One minute later

Robbie just looks stunned.

He touched my arm and then I burst into tears, like the world class fool I am, and he cuddled me into him. He smelt really nice, sort of clean, but there was a definite linger of some yummy aftershave.

"I know its difficult Gee. I mean, I had the same thing with you and Lindsay." I stopped crying then. Trust him to bring up Old Thongy. I assume he is trying to make me feel better but mentioned Her Royal Naffness is never a good idea, not where I am concerned. "And I can't really help you much, because, I mean, I don't know what's going on in that mad head of yours. Not that anyone does. But, all I can say is, be honest with both of them, and don't string them along. You have to make a decision and stick to it. And Gee, don't go out with one of them just because you feel guilty. That would be the worst thing."

Oh pooo. You don't need to tell me that, mate.

"But I don't know which one I like more." I sniffled. And yes, I was very aware I sounded like a naff baby or something, but it felt really nice and friendly being all cuddled up into him. I wriggled closer, and his arm sort of tightened round me, pulling me into him. Oh blimey…oh this is the icing on the pyjamas that is my crap life, I can definitely feel the Horn now. But no, I'm going to eschew the original Sex God with my right and left hand, and also my feet, if need be. Even though they are a bit smelly, because these boots make my toots a bit stinky. And I can't imagine Robbie would like to be eschewed with stinky feet.

Oh my God shut up stupid brain. Get out before I throw a dead vole at you.

And that's when I saw Dave, who was watching me and Robbie from the other side of the park, where he was with his mates, with this really really horrible expression. He looked like he was about to cry or something.

One minute later

I think I have lost the will to live.

Home

5pm

After I realised Dave was watching us, I literally shot off Robbie (somehow I'd managed to accidentally sneak onto his lap) and he was all "What, what's wrong?" I explained Dave was over there, but I couldn't exactly go over there and tell him nothing was going on, because he'd just throw his football at me and mooch off to snog Emma, or something.

And then Robbie did possibly the nicest thing ever.

He said, "Well, do you want me to go over there and chat to him? I could tell him how you're feeling really confused and everything."

I would have snogged him right on the spot, if it weren't for everything else. I thought a hug would be perfectly fine, but then remembered Dave was probably still watching. So I just went mad and said "Oh, blimey, if you don't mind…but that would be really lovely…I mean, you don't have to, but…oh, if you don't mind…" and I said thankyou about a million times. Robbie laughed, and then said he'd see me on Monday, before walking over to Dave. I watched them chat for a bit, and everything seemed to be going smooth bananas, so I bounced off home.

5.29pm

Crikey, that's really nice of Robbie. And it seemed like Dave was taking it quite well and everything.

Should I call him?

Ten minutes later

No, definitely not. Not after that fiasco this morning.

I just hope everything sorts itself out.

6.28pm

I went downstairs and Mutti and Vati were snogging on the sofa. Erlack.

"Please, I am at an emotional point, poised on the brink of womanhood. Are you trying to scar me for life?"

Vati threw a pillow at me.

"You're so bloody cheeky." He grumbled. Oh rave on El Portaflab. I have bigger fish to fry than your disgusting snogging habits.

Then I went into the hallway and rung Jas, deciding I would be very light on the doling out of punishments to horrible, supposed best pally's, because I really did quite need her help vis-à-vis this shambley-do with Dave and Masimo.

"Jas?"

"Oui, c'est moi."

"Yes, I know it is you. And I am not very pleased that is you because, if we're being honest and as frank as baby Jesus wants us to, I am not in a very good mood with you."

"What, what have I done?"

"Why do you need to tell Tom _everything_ that happens in my life? Because Tom told Robbie about the whole fiasco concerning Dave and Masimo, and it could only have come from you. Best friendies are not supposed to spill all and sundry to their boyfriends."

I heard Jas go all shuffly then. Ho hum pig's bum. Those that are prats must pay the punishment, as Noah told Moses, or something along that vein.

"Er, well, it just sort of accidentally came out."

"Are you very very sorry and prepared to make it up to your lovely besty that you love to bits?"

"Er, yeah, I suppose."

"Wrong again Jas. You should be down on bended knees, after what you did."

I heard some shuffly, potentially fringe-related business going on then, and I got all suspci-whatsit.

"Jas, what are you doing?"

"Well, I'm down on bended knees."

One minute later

Qu'est-ce que le point?

Ten minutes later

The nub and gist of this fandango is I am staying over at Jas' tonight to calm my jumbly nerves, as Masimo is returning tomorrow.

Twenty minutes later

Back in Boudoir of Confusiosity

Blimey.

Robbie's advice really wasn't that useful. I mean, if I knew I fancied Masimo more than Dave, or the other way round, it would be super easy.

But it's not.

One minute later

Because I have now realised that I fancy the pants off Dave the Laugh as much as I have the Horn for the Italian Stallion.

**i have just realised that i went from masimo and gee on the verge of going out to suddenly being fully fledged one and onlies. so apologies for that mistake. but you'll get over it. much lurve! and also v sorry for the delay of updating, next chap will be up tomorrow sometime  
**


	20. Bison Horns Stored Here

Jas's room

10pm

Surrounded by a flock of mad-looking owls

"Jas, why do you have so many bloody owls? It is quite sensationally mad, and I think you might have to contact the local mental hospital. It is, as stated by the famous Winston Churchy-bug, 'not normal for one to engage in owl-snogging rituals'." I asked, nibbling on the Pop-Tart her lovely Mutti had made us. I really am quite hilarious sometimes, if I want to be.

Of course, as predictable as your average bunion, Jas went all huffy then.

"Georgia, I do not snog my owls. They are just cuddly toys in my room. And you're being really unreasonable. Just because you are heeding the call of the Red Bottom and everything, and finally getting in trouble for being a tart, I don't see why you should take it out on me." She droned on. Honestly. How can one person be so boring?

"Jas, Jas, please, I still have many years ahead of me. If you shut up now I might just make it through to see sixteen." Ho ho.

One minute later

Ouch, she just threw the maddest-looking owl at me!

"Jas, you are so violent." I said, reasonably enough. She just ignorez-voused me. How so vair immature.

I told her that.

"Jas, you are so vair immature."

Silent fringe twiddling. I swear she does that just to annoy me.

"Fine, ignorez-vous me all you like. But you won't hear my very quite interesting news."

More silent fringe twiddling. She is obviously bluffing it, thinking that if she stays silent long enough then I will crack like an egg and split all and sundry.

But alack, I am not as pratty as my supposed best friend.

"Is it is to do with Robbie and Masimo and Dave, and could potentially change the face of the earth as we know it." That last bit was something I heard at the end of a twiggy nature-y show Mutti and Vati had been watching last week, so touché, David Attaboy. "But, if you don't want to know, it's fine by me."

One minute later

Haha, I knew Radio Jas couldn't resist the lure of gossip. She is vair shallow.

"What is it then?" She flicked back her hair and pretended to be all casuelle, but I knew that really she was dying to hear what my news was.

But I couldn't be bothered to get all flappy about her annoyingness, because, if we're being frank, I did sort of want to tell her.

Five minutes later

I told her about meeting up with Robbie, and how he was leaving on Wednesday, and about the gig on Monday, and then when we were in the park and chatting how Dave saw us, and Robbie volunteering to go and chat to him, like the Sex God-esque superhero is. And then I threw in the news about Masimo inviting me for dinner tomorrow to meet his Mutti.

As she should be, Jas looked suitably stunned.

"No wonder Dave looked all cheesed off." She said finally, and I nearly slapped her.

"Jas, me and Robbie weren't snogging. You would have been proud of me; I was eschewing him with very firm hands. And don't comment on the firm hands bit."

Jas just looked all suspci-whatsit.

"Well, look at it from his point of view. You told him you were confused about snogging him and going out with Masimo, and you were trying to persuade him you weren't the biggest tart the world has ever seen, and then he sees you and Robbie snuggling up on a park bench. It is not exactly convincing." She said, raising one eyebrow, and you could just tell she thought she looked really cool like that.

One minute later

She didn't.

"Jas, why are you making a face like a constipated parsnip? It looks really naff."

Haha, she stopped making the face and went all red and flustery. Which meant she was about to have a proper rant about me for acting like a minx of the first waters.

Ten minutes later

I think I might take up a job as a psychic or something.

"…and really, the way you are acting you don't deserve any boyfriend at all, you are being completely out of order towards Masimo and Dave, and I bet you did snog Robbie, just because you can't keep your Red Bottom under control…"

Five minutes later

Blah blah, rave on El Twiggo.

One minute later

"Jas, you can shut up now."

She went all surly and badger-like then.

"I am just trying to help."

"Well don't."

"Well I won't."

"Great."

"Great."

"Fine."

"Fine."

"Jas."

"I'll shut up now."

"Shut up n-what?"

I glared at her. She looked all smug and smarmy, ergh.

Ten minutes later

So much for shutting up.

Jas is now telling me about how her and Hunky have matching transfer tats on their ankles, as some soppy declaration of their twiggy-type lurve.

"Is it a picture of two voles snogging?" I said ironically, but she didn't get it.

Two minutes later

Sadly, I wasn't far off the mark with my witty comment.

Jas' tattoo is of a vole carrying this bunch of flowers.

I kid you not.

One minute later

A Vole Bridesmaid for the Vole Bride herself.

Ten minutes later

"Jas, Jas, even though it is very soothing listening to you rave on about badgers and cuckoo spit and rabbit droppings, I am not, as such, rid of my jittery nerves vis-à-vis Masimo coming home tomorrow, and everything that comes with it." I said.

Jas looked a bit surly, and she just said "So?"

I sighed.

"I suggest severe Viking bison disco inferno dancing, minus the Horns, unless you have yours."

Five minutes later

Unbelievable.

Jas has just notched up another peg on the Absolute Loser scale, and I didn't even know that was possible.

One minute later

She has made a special box for her bison horns, decorated with glitter and hearts and pictures of bisons.

Why?

One minute later

It gets better (not).

On the front she has written "Bison Horns Stored Here. Approach With Caution."

What in arse's name…?

She put on the horns and when she saw me staring at her she said, "What, are they wonky?"

One minute later

I was sort of joking earlier, when I suggested she should visit a mental hospital.

But clearly Jas is definitely in need of psychiatric help.

"Jas, you have made a special box for your bison horns. Not only is that extraordinarily sad and vair vair naff, it is also a clear sign that you are residing in the Hamlet of Complete Bonkerdom, also known as Rosie and Sven Land. Ergo, this is a very serious situation."

Two minutes later

Good Lord she is violent.

My ankle has currently swelled up to the size of Nauseating P Green's pantaloons.

Which is not a pretty sight, trust me.

I would retaliate and duff her up a bit, just to show her who's boss (me), but I am very aware of the spiky horns on the top of her head, and the fact that she looks very surly right now.

I am not, as such, being cowardly custard, it is just common sense and also the oodles of wisdomosity I have been blessed with.

One minute later

I said sorry for making fun of her bison horn box (even though it's still naff) and she said sorry for telling Tom everything that I have ever said.

And then we got down to the Viking disco inferno!

Ten minutes later

Phew, I'm pooped, but on the upside of things, my nerves are basically all gone and I'm not a jittery-type bug anymore.

Midnight

Typico. Jas has fallen asleep before the fun has even attempted to start.

One minute later

Obviously, I am not going to drop off for aaaages yet, perhaps not until past 4 o'clock, because I will be too busy worrying about Masimo, and Dave…and bison horns…and vole bridesmaids…

One minute later

Zzzzzzz….

Sunday 27th August

Home

1pm

All nerves a kimbo again. Masimo said he would call me when he wants to me to come over for dinner at his flat. Apparently I could come by earlier but he wants to get his Mutti all settled in.

Fair enough.

1.20pm

My very own 'could-I-be-a-prostitute?' Mutti has just lolloped straight into my room, completely uninvited. Great, what about personal space? This is my room, for goodness sake.

"Ooh, Gee, Masimo is back today, isn't he?" She giggled, whilst adjusting her basoomas. It was horrifying to watch, so I didn't.

"Mutti, I'd appreciate it if you left me to have a ditherspaz in peace. Ie, shift." I said, in my kindest voice. She sniffed and went over to my dressing table, set a few things straight, adjusted her basoomas_ again,_ in the mirror, and trotted out, tutting.

Honestly.

2pm

The Ace Gang and Sven appeared on the doorstep. Crikey, this can't be good news. Especially as Sven has one of those comedy arrows on his head (y'know, where it looks like an arrow has gone through your head, but really it's just fake. Well, obviously).

"Right, Gee, we know you are going to be moping about like a sad duck on New Year's Eve whilst you wait for Masimo to call, so come to the park with your besty pallies and wait there instead." RoRo said. Although I didn't understand half of what she said – who would? – it was still vair vair touching.

"Yes, Rosie, but if I'm at the park when Masimo calls-" But I didn't have time to finish because Sven picked up with a big roar and marched down the road, yelling "Now, now! Ja, I got you now!" The Ace Gang trotted after him like an obedient puppy, and Jas kept on pointing out that my knickers were on display.

Yes, thankyou, Radio Jas, your job here is done.

Park

2.15pm

Jools is telling us how well things are going with her and Rollo, especially after she ignored him for a week. Apparently he came springing back like a giganticus walrus that had spotted Nauseating P Green and wanted a playmate.

Her words, not mine.

Then we saw Wet Lindsay, with Astonishingly Dim Monica and Louise the Loner (who is not exactly blessed in the looks department, and for extra comedic value, is the actual sister of Spotty Norman – but no surprises there) in tow. Old Thongy was flinging her extensions around with gay abandon, which is never a good thing. And it looked unsurprisingly crap. It only looks good when me or the Ace Gang do it.

Then the three of them sat down on this bench and Wet Lindsay got this little rectangle box out. By now all of the Ace Gang were watching, as agog as 6 gooses about to lay an egg (Sven had disappeared into the woods, yodelling to himself).

Then Lindsay took something out of the box, put it inbetween her fingers, put the box away, took out something else from her bag (a very bad fake Chanel, dontcha know) and put it up to the thing in her hands whilst flicking it.

One minute later

Oh my God! Wet Lindsay is smoking!

It looked sooo naff that we all started laughing like loons on extra concentrated loon tablets.

I said, "Blimey, I hope her extensions catch fire, like when it happened to you Rosie." And that set us all of again, even louder this time, which is when Old Thongy noticed us and stamped over.

"Oh look, if it isn't pathetic Nicolson and her loser mates." She sneered, still holding the fag. She really did look like a first prize twit.

"I see you have taken up smoking Lindsay. It really suits you, the whole I'm-a-really-naff-loser look."

One minute later

Wow!

That was me!

I actually said something witty! To Lindsay!

Everyone was spluttering and laughing and she went really purple, and got all angry and flustery and whatsit, before saying, "Look, you little sad excuse for a person, if you don't shut your mouth-"

But Rosie interrupted by saying "Pipe?" and brandishing her pipe – why she had it I don't know - in Lindsay's face.

Vair vair hilarious.

We were all laughing and Lindsay had gone this really funny shade of red, when Sven reappeared, yodelling for some Viking God or something, I don't know, and he swooped down, took the cigarette out of Lindsay's hand, and started smoking it!

Right in front of her!

He literally just stood there, grinning like the maniac he is, smoking!

Lindsay obviously didn't fancy her chances with him – who would? – and stomped off.

Crikey.

Rosie looked up at Sven adoringly and said, "I didn't know you smoked, Sven."

He just nodded, a lot, still smiling really madly, and said, "Ja, ja, I come from this leg, bite me!"

And Rosie, as if she completely understood what her mad boyfriend had just said, just went, "Oh, of course, silly me!" and snogged him.

They are quite, quite mad.

One minute later

Fortunately, she did take the cigarette out of his mouth, but still…

Shiver shiver.

Back Home

4pm

Masimo has still not called.

I am quite literally on the brink of Madnosity.

One minute later

Oh my giddy God the phone is ringing!

One minute later

False alarm. It is only the badger's cousin herself.

"Jas, what in arses's name do you want?"

"I was just checking to see if he called yet."

"Well he hasn't."

"Oh. Okay."

"But he might be calling now. But I wouldn't now, because I am currently using the phone, because you called me to ask some twitty question."

Jas put the phone down then.

Thank God, before I start to go grey.

5.26pm

He still has not called!!

Ten minutes later

I decided to have a quick bath, to calm my jittery nerves. I stole some of Mutti's strictly forbidden aromatherapy oils, which didn't really help.

Fifteen minutes later

"Bloody hell, Georgia, how long are you going to be stuck in that bloody bathroom? The rest of us need to wash in the next five years you know!" Vati yelled, banging on the door. Charming.

"You wouldn't have thought it, looking at you." I said back. Ho ho. Comedy genius.

"Don't be so bloody cheeky!" He practically exploded on the other side of the door. Erlack, I feel violated, because there is only a door between myself in the nuddy pants and my mad, possible descendant of a bull with a tremendously large conk type father.

"Vati, I am in the middle of a mid-life crisis. Please, just let me have a bath in peace."

He huffed off then, saying things like "No respect for their bloody elders…" and "In my day, no-one would have dared…"

Yes, El Porto, because 'your day' was the Stone Age.

One minute later

Ie, your day has passed, your life is practically over, just let me live mine without you barging in all trousery and whatsit, trying to ruin things.

Ten minutes later

Hmmm, soaky soak, breathing in the aromatherapy oils, smelling quite nice, bath going a little cold but ho hum pig's bum…

One minute later

"Gingey!"

Oh my God, Libby has wrenched the door open and flung herself bodily at me. And she landed on my nungas! Oh my God this is disgusting!

One minute later

Libby prodded my nunga and said "Wibbly poo, you have wibbly poo, hee hee!" And then she barked off.

Literally.

She was barking.

One minute later

And now the door is wide open for anyone else who wants to come and see me in the nuddy pants.

Marvy.

One minute later

I crept out of the bath and pulled my towel around me, before darting as quick as a badger into my room.

Phew, phew.

One minute later

Aaaaw, Angus and Gordy are snoozing on my bed looking all cutey.

One minute later

Correction. They were snoozing on my bed. As soon as I entered the room they jumped off and started dancing round my feet. If cats could laughing, they would be spluttering in the bushes by now. Honestly, they think it is a hilarious game.

It isn't.

"You bloody furry freaks, get off me, go and poo in Vati's tie drawer." I grabbed Angus and flung him out into the hallway. He brushed himself off, sat there for a second glaring at me, and then began to miaow really loudly.

Oh my God, now I have an emotionally-detached cat to content with. Not to mention his mad, one-eyed son who is still playing catch-the-mouse with my feet. Ouchy ouch buggering aggers!

One minute later

I grabbed Gordy, flung him out as well, and then slammed the door shut. Phew, peace at last. I can get dressed in peace.

Two minute later

The two feline fiends are now scratching at my door, whining. Loudly.

Ho hum, I don't give a flying pig's arse. I need to get ready.

If Masimo ever calls, that is.

I got my outfit all ready on the bed; my slinky jeans, the vest top, Mutti's leather jacket and Chanel bag, and boots.

One minute later

Mutti bounded into my room and I was only in my underwear! Oh my God this is so wrong. Why do I have such a perverted family?!

"Gee, oh my God, hurry up and get dressed sweetie, Masimo is at the door!"

Two minutes later

Oh my God oh my God oh my God!

One minute later

Oh my God!

One minute later

Oh my_ giddy_God!


End file.
